not a pretty girl

a new person with each new experience

Saturday, May 10, 2003

I just came home from a night of family guy at ches regans . . . . I have to say the young boy is catsy reincarnated . . .I'm surprised how much that show gets away with, this might be sac religious, but I think I like family guy more than the simpsons. There I said. My mind is a bit distracted, to the point where I have so many thoughts running through my head, but I can't seem to capture any of them :) although I didn't smoke, when I got there, the crew was involved in some hot box action and my lungs could not help but take part in the adventure . . .ok I did this personality test when I got home that I found when looking up lyrics to the Envogue song "Free your mind" here are the results:
You see yourself as bright, tacky, and unique.
Others see you as intelligent, fluid, and beautiful.
You think of sex as excitment, awe, and happiness.
You think of death as lightness, free, and dreamy.

putting grammer aside I think the results are really quite nice . . . ok language skills are not working with me right now, I going listen to music, do some art . . .

Friday, May 09, 2003

I know I just made a huge post but I can't resist adding these comments, I picked up a metro today and with in a few mins, I was laughing out lound on the bus, ripping articles from the paper, here a few that I liked:

- Rob Zombie is directing a sequal to House of 1000 corpses
- Playgirl Ontario was discribed as "someone who looked like the boy next door, but sexier. Someone clean cut, but not too clean cut, who difines what a MAN looks liek today, even thought tha's impossible" . . . he is a white faternity looking boy
- a poll on growing up showed the expected age for the trasition to fully growing up is as follows:
- 20.9 self-supporting
- 21.1 no longer living with parents
- 21.2 full time job
- 22.3 education complete
- 24.5 being able to support a family fanancially
- 25.7 married
- 26.2 having a child
- Bush and Blair wre nominated for the Noble Peace Prize yesterday
ok thats it for now, back to work :)
Friday morning, at school again, right after my third 7am shift this week. I have made it to work on time each of the days but yesterday and today have been close calls. Appartenly yesterday morning I turned off my alarm in my sleep and I woke up in a panic 15 mins later in a panic . . . I had fifteen mins to get to work . . . I biked with sals bike and made it just on time. Well today maybe the same thing happened or maybe I didn't set it the night before but once again my internal clock woke me up 15 mins before work started, this time I didn't have bike to use. I ran out my door just a cab did a u-turn and pulled up in front of me. I jumped in pointed and shouted "To the pool!" (ok maybe not exactly like that!!) I hate having to spend money on cabs, but the morning swimmers are scary and I'm not ready to handle there rath first thing in the morning, so spending $6 to get there on time was worth it...

Its seems that I have been lucky the past few days which is good since I seem to be doing many foolish things. For example yesterday after work (which I only got a few hours of sleep for) I locked Sal's bike outside and went upstairs to see the cute boy and get ready for Marikes departure. 3 hours later on a mission for low fat soy milk I opened my front to and to my surprise my bag was on the handle bars of Sals bike. DUDE 3 hours had pasted and my stuff was sitting out on Bloor st. I have to attribute the fact that it was still there to using basmati rice bag as my bag. I'm still kinda surprised no one was temped to take a bag of rice, but if they only know the treasure of a lifegaurd uniform and empty wallet that were inside :)

I've kinda been getting slack for not writing everyday . . . and basically I do . . . actually I wanted to write yesterday, I thought I would have to express my self in poem form, three poems later, I just wasn't happy with it . . . so all you crazy kids who read this stuff daily (and don't leave any comments) sorry for the delay ;)

Irony . . . I had an alergist appointment yesterday to find out what specifically happened a few weeks ago . . . they did many test to rule out any other alergy or condition that might have caused the reaction. In this two hour appointment they discovered that I'm not alergic to anything. They also took blood to rule out any blood related conditions, they nurse was having a hard tiem finding my viens, she stabed the neddle into my body, lucky I'm not scared of neddle and don't find the experience painful, cuz this women didn't look as calm as I did, she was moving the needle around in my arm, saying the vien moved. When she was done she contimplated taking more from the other arm since this was not all that successfull, but decided against it, since my viens it the other arm were not any clearer. Anyways the irony is I didn't react to any of the 60 of so things that they tested me for, but I did have a slight reaction to the bandaid they used!!

I have to go back next week for another appointment, this time they will put a small drop of amoxicillin under my tounge and then I have to sit in a room for 3 hours and wait to see if I have a reaction, I'm not worried about the reaction at all, but they don't try hard to make people that much better if they were worried. They say in case "don't worry we have adreniline shots and oxygen tanks if anything happens" (my mind flashes to the scene in pulp fiction with the needle in her chest plate) . . .but really I'm not worried about the reaction since they are giving me such a small amount, I might get a bit of a rash, take alergy medication and it will disapear. I think sitting in one room for 3 hours might get to me. I will have to bring a few things to entertain myself.

After my appointment it was time to get to the airport with Marike, and of course liek always something goes wrong. Getting her luggage throught the turnstyle at ossignton station she just a joke compared to what happened later. When she went to check in they looked at her ticket at the computer at the ticket again then up at us and said, this flight doesn't exist. Well that was kinda messy, Marike who is deathy afraid of flying had taken a few too many herbal tranqulizers (keeping to the straight edge!) and could not really deal with this type of information. We eventually were able to get her booked on flight that was leaving a few huors later, heading to London and then to Vienna. This was a bit much since that requires two take offs and two landings. Aswell they won't be able to give her any food since special meal orders, such as vegan have to be ordered 4 days ahead of time, I tried to see what I could do about that but they didn't really have amn y oprions to give me. But she got off safely, I have to phone her when I get home, but I assume she got home ok. :)

Ok a something else happened yesterday that I feel that I must write about, on my way to my alergist appointment I walked on to the subway sat on an empty set of seats and started to read. This guy in front of me was talking, at first I thought he was jsut talking to himself but then I realized he was lecturing this women (girlfriend). They were sitting accross the aile from each other, she was looking away down the car, he had his legs stretched out towards her sloched in his chair. He was talking about a night where she got drunk, how she was being a slut, how she would have let anyone fuck her if he wasn't there to pick her up. He continued to say but why would anyone want to fuck you , you are nothing you are a corpse. I was filled with disgust, empathy and fear. I wanted to say something, but I was scared of his reaction. I really didnt'know what to do. I felt like getting this women away from him. The sexist bullshit that was coming out of his mouth made me feel sick to my stomach. At Keele she suddenly got up to get off, my heart skipped a beat I was hoping she would get away but he got up calmly and followed her, still talking shit but following like a puppy dog. If this is how he treats her in public I'm really scared to know what happens when they get home. He was obvious dealing with power issues, if this womens actions upset him so much he coudl leave, instead he needed to put her down in order to make himself feel better. He was following her continueing the verbal abbuse, he needed to have someone he precieved as weaker close to him to feel strong and mighty. I felt tears coming to my eyes as they the doors closed seperating our lives. I hope that she is able to get out ok, that poeple in her life are stronger then I and say something, support this women to get away from this power hierichal abusive relationship.

Ok now I know why I have to post everyday because if I don't these posts become absurdly long and incongruent. I still didn't write about the subject of the three failed poems . . . I will have to try again later . . . .off to do the final editing of this paper . . .

Wednesday, May 07, 2003

i'm up editing this paper for the food security class, kinda scary that I've taken this on since grammer is deffinately not my strong point. This girl Liz is suppose to help out with the grammer part of it, lets hope that still happens. I just finished reading through the whole 25 page paper, and I was surprised how good it actually was. But I think I will have to do a bit of creative writing to make it flow. Its kinda hard to have a conhesive 25 page paper when nine different women have been invloved writing it. AND we don't have a conclusion yet, I suppose they expect me to have a brillant overall understanding as I complile all the work. Wish me luck!

Marike is leaving tomorrow, and I'm kinda sad, it has been great getting to know her this year and this past week while she has been staying here we have had so much fun. I wish I could spend more time with her today on her last day but I'm busy with this paper and I have two shifts at work. We talked about how much fun it would have been if she had moved in October when we needed a roommate. Really this house could have been the communal egalitarian place that yes I want and matt told me early on that we would never have. And having a fellow veganite in the house would have been fun too, oh the food we could have made. i say that since every time marike has come over for dinner we have the best meals. Anyways all everyone says hinsight is 20/20.

Ok here is something that I wrote at work yesterday . . .(tobie are you procratinating from having to come up with a brillant conclusion . . . yes!!)

An extententialsit challange

This guy Peter was guarding today when I showed up, he doesn't normally work here. Acually he thaught he would just be having a friendly game of chess with his friend, my boss Alex. Alex smooth talking and brillant smile convinced this boy to guard for two hours. he han't guarded in years and said that it was an extentialist challange, you don't do anything, you don't create anything. You are just here for the illution of safety adn maintaining order. I only partially agree with him. yes I am only here for an illusion of safelty and as someone to regulate bodies. BUT as creating nothing, is he serious? Guarding is meditating, the constandt movemtn of water and bodies puts me in such a creative space. Every shift I leave with my pockets filled with paper that I wote poems on, essay topic, event ideas, future plans. I wrote my first porn while guarding. i wrote a few poly article which I'm submitting to a journal on sexuality. And yes this rant comes from the hart house pool.

So some of you are problably wondering how this in done. Well first of all we never have public swim, only adults swimming laps. Secondly it is a small facility with only one guard adn only a few patrons in the pool. And you don't write continuously. Plus if you are tallented like me you can look at the pool and write at the same time (disifferring my work later can be tricky)

So you're asking Tobie if you are actally writing not passionalty watchign there very more, how are you providing an illusion fo safety. Even if you coudl hear or see a change in everyones swimming, how do they know that. WELL my answer to you is they are all zombies. You have to realize not only can the water be meditating to the guard, the swimmers enter a zen like state while swimming adn are aware of little else but their thoughts adn lanes.

WOW tobie this pool sounds magical . . . poerty, solvign life problems, meditating. Maybe I should come swimming . .. BUT NOT WHEN YOU ARE WORKING YOUR ZOMBIE FREAK!!!
I finished chatting with SK, not sleater kinney but that would have been cool too, but possibly not as exciting as the possiblities that came out of this conversation. It was SK's b-day, I almost forgot, actually I didn't think about is till SK said its my b-day, and I was all Oh my its the 6th of course happy b-day!!! Anyways, we were chatting which was so nice. And we started chatting about plans and such, which by the way are getting more and more exciting since Marike showed me this web site of a company that she works for back in Vienna that does soical research in english, they hired interantional interns. So I'm going to apply, not only will this organization look great on my resume, I will be able to hang out in Austria for a while with Marike and her feminist crew. And I'm getting better at counting in Italian so I can try to get a job in Palermo at a bar or something when I go to visit Sal. BACK to the SK conversation. Ok so sk is heading out to bc in july to pick up erynn(girlfriend) from tree planing . . . AND I was thinking about visiting my cousin amy who is moving to bc with her boyfriend. I was looking at the possiblitiy to taking the train, VIA rail has this opportunity to bring your bike, you are able to get off where ever you want and biking around, and get back on anywhere. You just have to plan it ahead of time. SO sk and I talked about the possibilty of bring our bikes, and taking our time getting to bc, and we would go our sperate ways while we got there, I would take the train home after visiting my cousin. Over all I have a great feeling about this, Sal on the other hand says that he feels like the friend in Jenny's movie, the one scene where she warning her friend about her ex girlfriend. WELL even in the movie the ex was like shes a big girl, let her make her own decisions. So yeah I seem to be doing so excellent in the stay good freinds with my ex catigory.Ok I got to go, Marike just got home and she brought a movie called the radical nature of drag!!! Right up my alley.

Monday, May 05, 2003

I have been thinking more and more about my future, these things tend to happen at the end of the school year, but this year the pressure is mounting since I am done univeristy and I still havn't figured out what I want, or need to do. I am conflicted over several things, one great things is though I'm not thinking what will I do next year, for once I am think what will I do in my life to maximise on my strenghts in order to make a difference in this world. The thing is there is so much I want to do, and so many things that I want to experience at the same time I want to make the greatest impact that I can. My philosophy has always been go with the flow, as long as you are doing things that you love then the opportunities will be there for you. Not that I want to sit back and wait for something to land at my feet. I want to work for what I get but only if I am happy doing it. Hense why I dropped out of math and programing early on adn started taking equity studies and sexual diveristy studies. I have loved so much of school the past few years, I have taken so many great courses that I ran home to do the readings, eagerly participated and wrote my papers with excitment. Big geek right, well yes, but only for these certain topics. I have never really cared that much before. I refused to get myself all axice over school, and as some of you know, I dont' do all nighters. I stop working at 11 weither my work is done or not, a girl needs to go out, and/or get some rest hehehe. Anyways, so I have been thinking about teaching, my hang up with teaching is that it is what people do when they don't know what else to do, which is why we have so many bad teachers out there. I refuse to go into it untill I know for sure it is what I want to do. I mean, I love teaching and according to friends family and acquantances I am an excellent teacher. (thanks to Sina who made my day today). The thing is I hate the way the school systme is run here. Marike was talking to me aobut how schools are run in Sweden and it sounds beautiful. I have been looking at alternative ways to teach no int he regular school system, Like the Wardolf school, (which I had to ditch when strange ideas were beign exposed like students are only allowed to create art with water colours and so on) alternative school (but as bri said they already have tons of grat teachers there, the regualr systme is were they need good teachers like us) and monosory school (problem is these schools are generally primary and I would like to teach kids that are a bit older). Teh one thing these three schools have in common is this idea of experienatal education, which I am a firm believer in. Teh studnets work together and help each other, the classes are not set up in rows with the teacher at the front lecturign and the studnet taking it all in. Instead they learn by trying things and helping each other, with encuragement fromt he teacher. Teh evalutaion is not based on marks, but on an indiviual report of how the studnet is doing, takign into consideration theri indivudual learing styles, situations etc. I coudl go on but basically I just want to say this type of education is what I want to be part of. This next year I will eather be in Dublin for grad school or traveling through Europe visting Marike, Sal and many other forgeign countries . . . during this time I will have to do more research and figure what do I want to do . . . ahhh the question of the century!!1

Sunday, May 04, 2003

Three days have passed since I have posted, strange how that happens. I actually wrote a huge rant on Friday in word but forgot to post it and now I feel that it was so long ago I don't really want to bother anymore. I will just give you the highlights:
my arch nemisis is back in my life momentarily, I have not thought of this women in years, but suddenly her bitchy, self centred uncaring personality seeped its way into my world. The past week doing to my anaphalictic shock and ear infection I had to cancel some swimming lessons that I was covering for a friend of mine. Well this evil women appartely has taken over the business while our mutual friend is out of town. She told me my behaviour was unacceptable and I made our friend and the company look bad. She said that our friend would deal with me in the week. Since the bitch is no longer my boss and has no effect in my life I was able to tell her off slightly. I still talked to her kindly, but I was very assertive and didn't take any of her shit. In my long verson of this rant I went into details about how this women had made my life hell for a few years. But really I'm beyond that right now, I'm just glad that she doesn't have the same power over me that she once did. I know that I let her have it in the past BUT I don't take shit anymore.

As if I didn't have enought assholes in my life and people who havce no concept of empathy, my roommate is at it again. As some of you read on Sal's blog, he was not going to let marike stay at our house for a few days, before she leaves for Germany. She had a really bad living situation and sal told her to come live with us for a few days. LIVE, that is the problimatic word, the evil roomate seeing it as living, even though , she has a plane ticket and leaving the country in a few days. He said to sal that he wasn't going to be a fasist so she could stay the night, but he expected her to be gone the next day, WELL, before she even got up, I went and talked to him. I was very diplomatic and asked to hear his side fo the story first. The quick version of the long story is that he said that she can stay!! hwo who!! Tobie does it again, this assertiveness thing is going well!!

My ear infection has not gone away, and it will be ten days tomorrow. Its so rediculous, every time you get sick they have you take antibiotics for ten days . . . I am ALWAYS better before the end, NOT this time thought, I will have to go see my doctor tomorrow. The other day I stayed over at the cute boys house. We walked over from my place and by the time I got to his place (ten min walk) I was shaking in pain, I ended up staying over, in the morning I was in so much pain I ran out with tears in my eyes, and this was after taking two advil.

Today I went to the ROM with my cousin, we say an exhibit on socialite fifties fashion, which I would recommned but today was the last day. I felt like I was taking a huge risk leaving my house for so long. The discounted ticket was $12, and I was only able to stay long enough for the one exhibit. They should have a special price for pregnat womena and their sick cousins :)

Last night I went to work for the first time in weeks. I wouldn't have given up this shift for the world, I was guarding what they called an Opera in the pool. It was called Kafka in Love. I wouldn't go as far as to say it was an Opera, but it was a fabullous performance. It was held at HArt House pool, the facility is just begging for shows like this to go on. It will filled with arches and stain glass windows, the bolcony and seets, are not what you see in a regualr pool, they are all wooden individually caved seats. The show consisted of a movie adn syncro. They progected a film on three of the walls, there was one actress on the deck and six sycronises swimmers. The lights, props and action were very complex, I sat there in my white silk robe non-discript for two performances and still didn't get to see everything. The best part was people were paying $65 to see the show, while I had the best seat in the house and got paid $65 to be there :)

Well hope all is well with everyone today, and you are enjoying the nice weather. Ahh I have a few more things to say. The next few days I will be editing, compling and contructing the conclusion fo the food securtiy paper. I know I han't been talking about it lately, and actually I have been out of the loop for a few weeks (as you all know) so I will be very busy the next fews days, but after Wed, I will be done my undergrad!! Oh yeah baby I ca see the end. Actually my grad photos came in a few days ago, I shoudl scan them and have people vote which one is the best, look out for that!!! AND I looked on ROSI, to look up my marks, and I got two, yes two 85's!!! Thats right ladies and gents, Tobie has become an A student in her last year at UofT. I have 4, half credits in the in the A catigory now, I thought that would never happen. Partially I say that it has to do with me starting to use accessibltiy services this year, but 2 of those classes I dint' use the services, and they were 400 level classes so I guess I jsut figured out how to work the system, too bad I'm leaving now :)

ok thats it for now, but I wrote a few poems last night that I might post here later . . .