not a pretty girl

a new person with each new experience

Saturday, February 28, 2004

reason vs emotion a false dichotomy

its the same old arguement that we have hearing since Plato and before. men are rational and women emotional and therefore less then men. What I want to argue here is that emotions and those seen as emotional are being extremely rational. When you say someone is emotional, it is often in responce to a stimuli. There is something that helps create this emotion. The reason I say it is rational is that when the stimuli is removed the emotional responce seeces. further when someone realizes they made a mistake about someone or something they are angry about they no longer feel this emotion of anger. So if emotions only occur when there is a reason for them and disappear when the reasons for them are gone, then are they not rational responces to stimuli?

I just wanted to throught that out there -I know it is a short tid bit of thoughts. I suppose it is in responce to my last few posts which have been emotional rants. The thing with these past posts is that my fever was a huge part of them and then I cna't agrue that they were complete rational responces to the events around me. Although I do see many parts of them as rational I also see how I can go off the deep end and have extreme responces at times when I am over tired and sick.

At times I wish I was more balanced, but really would I be me if I was more balanced. To get rid of my extreames would also mean getting rid of the bouncy energetic happy person that I am for huge chunks of time. To balance would be to get rid of the moments of craziness that make sence to others not at the time but afterwards.

So perhaps I need to work on the communication of these emotions in more effective ways. I know I need to get back swimming I am always happier, healthier and less likely to snap at things when I have my swimming buzz going on.

Friday, February 27, 2004

the second day of my mom being here and I don't see her at all, I woke up again with a horrible ear ache and feverish, somehow I managed to work for eight hours on my last day at work. Due to the fever I was wearing 2 tank tops, 1 t-shirt, 1 long sleave shirt, and 3 hoodies, thats right 3 hoodies, I couldn't put my jacket over all of that and had to take off a few layers to walk home. I was suppose to go out with my mom and james for dinner tonight but it didn't happen. instead I let the fever and homesickness take over. james came over - and I some how constructed him as a horrible boyfriend as I sat there shaking and delutional from the pain and fever. basically he want to chill with me then go to this party we were both suppose to be at. I wanted someone to stay with me - he leaves to go to party and I feel like I'm going to fall apart.

This insane dependance can be better understood in the context of the day. First of all last night I had my first real nightmere. and instead of beign estatically happy that my mom is here, it is reminding me of all the things I miss from back home and am am suddenly crazy homesick. I quit my job and feel slightly out of sorts. I want to go have fun at the party but I have such an ear ache and can't get up. All of this leaves me vulerable, weak, lonely.

there was nothing that james or anyone else for that matter could do to make me feel better today - but I convinced my self that if james has stayed a bit longer, if we had ordered food like we said we would, if if if if I would be able to be happy to enjoy tonight, and not feel so shitty.

I look for an escape to this madness, I want to be with someone who knows me through and through. I don't want to have to put so much pressure on james. He can't be everything, it is unfair to him. Yet spending so much time with him, I am acting like he is my boyfriend, lover, best friend confidant, and so on. He is great and I love him, but he can't be everything. jsut as my mom can only be so much and she can't be part of many parts of my world and I have to just realize that our relationship has it limits. James and my relationship too has its limits, I just have to get more friends or a councilor. actually I think a councillor is the best idea, because I do have friends here but I want to enjoy my time with them and not become a burden with all my shit and the negative way I deal with it.

Plus I need a break, this past month has been insane and it not looking any easier. We have a three week break now - the first week I am spending with my mom, the second week I was going to spend with claire but she was unable to get a birth certificate for elise and it fell apart. I started to look up flight costs to go home or to go visit salvo. strangly enough they are compairable costs. both about 7-8 hundred canandian.

How I would love to see a friendly face and have a great discussion on everything and nothing.

The problem I think im feeling now is that neither james or my mom is good to talk to aobut feelings and all that jazz. so what I was missing from him was further highlighted when I was also not getting that from my mom. Suddenly today I had a huge urge to talk to kim, sal, regan. strangly enough not regan as much, perhaps even more then the other two but we talk better in person then the phone and in the past when I wanted to talk to her we would get off the phone quickly and meet up for a drink. with kim and sal on the other hand I have had many a conversations on the phone and therefore were more inclined to chat with them.

So flights - where to go? going to toronto may be too stressful. although I have a great need to have wonderful converstations with close mates, I also have a need to escape from everything and just relax. Going to Toronto would mean seeing everyone and not nessissarily having much time to catch up on school work, sleep and sanity. Now going to sanfran means spending much time allone since sal is working full time.

can I afford the trips? can I afford not to take them?

ok side note, my nightmere;

ok it started off in the arts block of trinity college but it was UCD, the UCD student newspaper jsut came out and as all of us were fliping through I say a picture of me, a picture that was from grade nine. I was standing there all skinny in my kilt that was supper long the first week or so, before I joined the masses and rolled it up. I had long hair and was standing by the track. Seeing this pic mortified me, I didn't want anyone to see it. But I couldn't find it again, I was sure everyone else coudl see it but it had disappeared.

then we were at this party on the roof top,similar to muds roof top, people were chatting and dancing. I noticed this girl who I scored at pink training, she was really drunk and falling all over the place. I started to talk to her and she went on how her girl friend broke up with her, suddenly it was only the two of us up there. She was all messy and started to come on to me. I pushed her away - somehow the topic of me dating james came up and she freaked out. (not that I was dating someone but that it was a boy) my phone rang and she disappeared. It was some guy named ben or something similar and I could barly hear him. He was askign me questions but I just wanted to go to bed and for somereason I told him that I was studying. Then this guy bernard came up to me in a panic, he said that someone phoned him and we were being sued. He asked if I had received a phone call. We heard noises and looked outside, the house was surrounded by the lord of the rings orges(can't remember there names -the ugly bad guys). they all had metal arrows pointed at the house and were prepared to shoot us.

everyone screamed and paniced. my mate clare and I ran up the stairs into this bed room, were about to climb out the window on to the roof but the orges were out there with there arrows ready to kill us. I suggested hiding under the bed but she said no thats how they always get people, I say no better solution at the time since we were stuck on the top floor but had this image of claire and i under the bed and eight orges poinitng there arrows at us from all sides.

I knew that I was about to die.

and then I woke up - damn the things a fever can do to you. I have never before in a dream felt like I was about to die, I don't know if I have ever felt so scared.

me and my ear ache are going to go to bed now and hope that my fever has left me and I can have nice dreams of kitty cats and balloons.

Thursday, February 26, 2004

intense emotions

It has been six months since I have seen my mom, today broke that pattern when she arrived at dublin airport and gave me a hug that may have never ended except for that I can only take so much :) The morning leading up to her arriving was very intense and not in a way I could have fully predicted. First of all at 5:30 am I had such a soar throat and headache that it woke me up. I finally got back asleep in time to miss my alarm. Waking up late brought me back to a very strange place. I felt that by being late meeting my mom and her friend at the airport would have put a reflection on my level of responsiblity that I felt was not reflective. Yet the last time they say me was six months ago during the whole passport scherades so it leaves a pattern of irresponsiblity that I can not shake. Not to mention that I have always felt around Janet that what ever I was doing was not up to par, being late meeting her would just add to that feeling. You would think as adults we could get beyond these things, but everyone still plays into. I still don't want to disappoint them, and want to show that I am fine on my own. And they still treat me like the child that they can patrinise.

In reality it was not a problem at all, after paying way to much to get on an airport express bus after taking a regular bus in to the city, they had only been waiting a few mins. But as I sat on the bed looking like "a fourteen year old on their way to see radiohead", feeling like I wanted to cry and wishing I could disappear - reality was not a strong force at all.

The day was lovely and the three of us had a good time walking and talking and eating :) there were pockets of moments were I felt sad thinking I will never have what my mom has with her friends, she has known janet since highschool, they have a huge history and are deep rooted friends. I will never have that, I lost that chance when I went through my depression/suicide part of my life and the coming out process. Its too bad, I see other friends who stil have these great friends from primary and secondary school, but all my ties have been cut, although not fully, enough that I cna't get back to that place of intense closeness. We have all moved on and did our own things.

I know this is a moony post but I have to vent, this day I had with my mom, 12 hours or so of laughs, hugs and stories ended on a disappointed note. BAsically my mom is still unease about the whole queer thing and more specifically I believe anything that is gender queer. Hos this plays out is that she is willing to come to a house party out of the way tomorrow night and drink cans with my mates at a party, wether she ends up doing it or not is not the point. Th fact is she is willing to consider entering a strange enviroment and hang out with a bunch of random drunken strangers to have a better understanding of my life here. BUT tonight there was this drag queen event going on in the city centre, in a building that we were walking by. With a group of people I consider my friends. I menitoned the event to her hours earlier and she dismissed it. She brought it up later, mentioning that she is not interested in going to a place like that, it would make her uncomfortable.

The fact that it was filled with friends, filled with so much of what is part of my life here, but she is not interested in that part of my life. She dosn't want to meet those friends. She is still uneasy about gender and sexual diversity even though her sister has been out for a good thirty years or so and I have been out for four or five. yet she still wants to pretend that it doesnt exist.

There is nothing I can do to change her comfort levels. But it does make me sad tha blanet difference in interaction she has in my life in terms of anything queer and anything straight.

Tomorrow will be a new day, lets hope my energy levels come back, I'll sure they will as I leave work tomorrow for the last time. Leaving that job will do wonders for my mental health.

Monday, February 23, 2004

free time, whats that again?

firsts that occured this week:

- went on the radio
- told newspapers that I would not answer questions and would respond in writing
- wrote a press release
- went to a confrence and debated motions

best parts of it all
- realized the radio is not all that scary
- realized that I can debate in front of groups
- got trans and queer added to the national LGBTQ rights officer name, working group!!! or this was not just me at all, but I was part of it.

this past weekend was standing confrence were colleges around the country come together to being forward motions and determine who and what the LGBRO and LBG working group will be and do next year. The conference was held at UCD and I was one of the five delegates from UCD. What this ment was myself and other studnets had to propose one of the 5 motions that each college brought forth and speak for and against the motions. The past three years they have tried to bring trans into the mandate but had much hostility.

So for the forth year in a row there was a motion asking the name to change and include trans aswell as including trans issues and not just placign lip service to trans issues. And for the first time ever there was a motion to add queer to the name. People were scaried to ever present it, and even myself didn't believe it would go through.

The LGB rights officers for USI (national union) and this guy from my college made an amendment to our motion to take the piss and deflect from the arguement. they asked to the motion to read "we mandate the LGBRO and LGB working group to change its name to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transexual, transgender, tranvestite, intersexed, asexual, non gender defined, genderqueer, questioning, curious, queer," the list went on and on. basically they were coming iwth the arguement that if we added this in what would we have next the a-z rights officer and working group. I hate that arguement with a passion. that arguement has been used from the get go to keep bisexual, transgendered and so on from being represented.

But we fought it and won with an overwhelming majority.

there were cheers when both trans and queer were added, smiles and possibly even tears followed as we hugged each other. yeah!!!

ok got to go off to my first ever table quiz that seems to be the main form of fundraiser event.