the second day of my mom being here and I don't see her at all, I woke up again with a horrible ear ache and feverish, somehow I managed to work for eight hours on my last day at work. Due to the fever I was wearing 2 tank tops, 1 t-shirt, 1 long sleave shirt, and 3 hoodies, thats right 3 hoodies, I couldn't put my jacket over all of that and had to take off a few layers to walk home. I was suppose to go out with my mom and james for dinner tonight but it didn't happen. instead I let the fever and homesickness take over. james came over - and I some how constructed him as a horrible boyfriend as I sat there shaking and delutional from the pain and fever. basically he want to chill with me then go to this party we were both suppose to be at. I wanted someone to stay with me - he leaves to go to party and I feel like I'm going to fall apart.
This insane dependance can be better understood in the context of the day. First of all last night I had my first real nightmere. and instead of beign estatically happy that my mom is here, it is reminding me of all the things I miss from back home and am am suddenly crazy homesick. I quit my job and feel slightly out of sorts. I want to go have fun at the party but I have such an ear ache and can't get up. All of this leaves me vulerable, weak, lonely.
there was nothing that james or anyone else for that matter could do to make me feel better today - but I convinced my self that if james has stayed a bit longer, if we had ordered food like we said we would, if if if if I would be able to be happy to enjoy tonight, and not feel so shitty.
I look for an escape to this madness, I want to be with someone who knows me through and through. I don't want to have to put so much pressure on james. He can't be everything, it is unfair to him. Yet spending so much time with him, I am acting like he is my boyfriend, lover, best friend confidant, and so on. He is great and I love him, but he can't be everything. jsut as my mom can only be so much and she can't be part of many parts of my world and I have to just realize that our relationship has it limits. James and my relationship too has its limits, I just have to get more friends or a councilor. actually I think a councillor is the best idea, because I do have friends here but I want to enjoy my time with them and not become a burden with all my shit and the negative way I deal with it.
Plus I need a break, this past month has been insane and it not looking any easier. We have a three week break now - the first week I am spending with my mom, the second week I was going to spend with claire but she was unable to get a birth certificate for elise and it fell apart. I started to look up flight costs to go home or to go visit salvo. strangly enough they are compairable costs. both about 7-8 hundred canandian.
How I would love to see a friendly face and have a great discussion on everything and nothing.
The problem I think im feeling now is that neither james or my mom is good to talk to aobut feelings and all that jazz. so what I was missing from him was further highlighted when I was also not getting that from my mom. Suddenly today I had a huge urge to talk to kim, sal, regan. strangly enough not regan as much, perhaps even more then the other two but we talk better in person then the phone and in the past when I wanted to talk to her we would get off the phone quickly and meet up for a drink. with kim and sal on the other hand I have had many a conversations on the phone and therefore were more inclined to chat with them.
So flights - where to go? going to toronto may be too stressful. although I have a great need to have wonderful converstations with close mates, I also have a need to escape from everything and just relax. Going to Toronto would mean seeing everyone and not nessissarily having much time to catch up on school work, sleep and sanity. Now going to sanfran means spending much time allone since sal is working full time.
can I afford the trips? can I afford not to take them?
ok side note, my nightmere;
ok it started off in the arts block of trinity college but it was UCD, the UCD student newspaper jsut came out and as all of us were fliping through I say a picture of me, a picture that was from grade nine. I was standing there all skinny in my kilt that was supper long the first week or so, before I joined the masses and rolled it up. I had long hair and was standing by the track. Seeing this pic mortified me, I didn't want anyone to see it. But I couldn't find it again, I was sure everyone else coudl see it but it had disappeared.
then we were at this party on the roof top,similar to muds roof top, people were chatting and dancing. I noticed this girl who I scored at pink training, she was really drunk and falling all over the place. I started to talk to her and she went on how her girl friend broke up with her, suddenly it was only the two of us up there. She was all messy and started to come on to me. I pushed her away - somehow the topic of me dating james came up and she freaked out. (not that I was dating someone but that it was a boy) my phone rang and she disappeared. It was some guy named ben or something similar and I could barly hear him. He was askign me questions but I just wanted to go to bed and for somereason I told him that I was studying. Then this guy bernard came up to me in a panic, he said that someone phoned him and we were being sued. He asked if I had received a phone call. We heard noises and looked outside, the house was surrounded by the lord of the rings orges(can't remember there names -the ugly bad guys). they all had metal arrows pointed at the house and were prepared to shoot us.
everyone screamed and paniced. my mate clare and I ran up the stairs into this bed room, were about to climb out the window on to the roof but the orges were out there with there arrows ready to kill us. I suggested hiding under the bed but she said no thats how they always get people, I say no better solution at the time since we were stuck on the top floor but had this image of claire and i under the bed and eight orges poinitng there arrows at us from all sides.
I knew that I was about to die.
and then I woke up - damn the things a fever can do to you. I have never before in a dream felt like I was about to die, I don't know if I have ever felt so scared.
me and my ear ache are going to go to bed now and hope that my fever has left me and I can have nice dreams of kitty cats and balloons.