not a pretty girl

a new person with each new experience

Saturday, April 05, 2003

Its 9:40 on friday night and I'm still at school!! It is clearly getting near the end of term . . .Down the equity office, (steph I don't smell dog) I have started to recieve phone calls, msn messages, as if I live here. I suppose I could, the guy at the porters deck told me that aslong as I bring the key back before 8am I'm in the clear! We have food, music, a phone, the internet, really what else could a girl ask for. Today when I was talking to Kim, she said that I was a pretty girl. She knows that I'm making a political statement and all that jazz but really I'm not a pretty girl, its not what I do, I'm no damsel in distress I don't need to be rescued . . . ok maybe I should just go home now and listen to some ani :)

Friday, April 04, 2003

Stranger than snow in April:
today on the bus home I ran into this guy that I havn't seen in years. we chatted for a bit and then he asked me if I identified as transgendered . . umm NO!! Its not that I identify completely as a women. I do love to play with gender and question it at all times. Really gender fucking is one of my favorite past times. BUT thats not what he was referring to. He said he heard that I identified as a male. It's interesting the assumptions people make when you change your name. I think this is a perfect example of broken telephone. The best part was I have the most effeminat hair cut that I have had in years. Last time I say this guy I tried to pass as a boy, I had short spiky hair and wore baggy clothes. Even thought some days I do bound my breast, pack, wear ties, old man suit jackets, suspenders etc. I feel that I look more feminine today than I have in a long time. I love my girl body!!!

Thursday, April 03, 2003

I think we have a bird in our heating pipes . . . really I heard all this chirping while I was in the bathroom (not from cali) it was coming from the heat vent. There is nothing I can really do about it, b/c the heating vents don't open up enough to allow a bird to come out. I just I'll wait till the roommates come home and see if they hear it aswell.
*dreamy tobie*

sometimes things happen exactly when you need them too, and how you want them too:
This cute boy I use to work with, and actually liked, which was rare since I hated most people at my work, is living in my neighborhood. We have run into each other a few times. And last week he left a note on my front door with his number. As he was leaving it, Sal came by and gave him our number. For over a week I didn't call, even those he has these beautiful blue eyes, works with OCAP and is my kinda cute. Then he called me(hmm) when we finally got a hold of each other we decided we should go out. We headed down to the local bar, and they were doing karaoke. I felt like we invaded a secret club, there was Jon's table and the guy with the red sunglass, and the Spanish table. Everyone knew each other and they were all hilarious. This one boy did "I'm too sexy" then "Barbie girl" you don’t' even know how good that is until you see it. And there was Bohemian Rhapsody, which is always interesting as karaoke. But I would have to say the highlight of the night was "FAME" every one got into it, they were singing and dancing, flying and jumping, and the wild guy with the red sunglasses jumped on a chair and slid away from him and he feel back on the floor. Over all a great night. The wild guy had a digital camera and he took our photo many times over, mostly when we were not prepared at all :) always the best photos :) He said he will send them, if he does I will post it and you can see the cute boy with the blue eyes. YES tobie is into a boy, at this point really what do I have to lose . .
7 pm such a strange time:
I try to cross the street, cars keep coming, flahing, driving by
leaving no space for the walkers to move forward.
One cyclist, high on life, makes small talk through a moving cars window,
She broke down the regulated space
He doesn't know what to make of her smile

Subway packed with vaccent stares
One man leans against the door pulling himself away from the crowds
He gazes towards me as I write, admiring, my youthful utopian persona
too tired to feel anything

Missed the west bound and then the south
doors close, the train pulls away as my hair waves goodbye
The wistle laughs at my attempt to do to many things at once
an attempt to deregulate me

I see someone I know
do I go over and socialize?
Not my favorite person
but I'm trying to get over my snobbery my elitism
and just be nice . . . or am I?
He must have seen me by now but he won't come by,
the last thing he needs is an anti-war feminist in his world

We go our seperate ways
I say nothing
so typical, I defend my position to myself with the memeory of our last three conversations
exposing him as another conservative white rich gay boy
too much priviledge to see his oppression

7:30 what a stranger time

I see this old man who has a shop on Harbourd. I say hello unsure if he will remember me since he has alzimers (see I'm not a complete anti-soical snob!)He remembers me, as we are chatting he is trying to read my open journal. I feel so uncomfortable and I close it. That action puts up a barrier of distrust. Him there at that moment reading my thoughts was creepy. I know I share my thoughts here but there is a distnace . . .. anyways I told him that I got into a bike accident with the bike he gave me, two weeks after having it. He seemed distantly unconcerned. He goes down memoory lane; where he got the bike, how he worked on it etc. He asked me if I kept the parts, I told him that I sold them. It didn't occur to me at the time to return the parts to him. I had bought new tires and basically the rest was destroyed. But at the moment I wish I had returned the bike.
He looked older than I remembered, more tired and dirtier. I remember he told me he loves patato and leek soup, maybe I will make him some . .. .

Wednesday, April 02, 2003

So many things to talk about that I feel I can only do it in a list format:
* I attended the Equity Studies Advisory meeting today - surrounded by accedemics- I was sure I would be silenced, But I was able to talk and gave a few suggestions
that made there eyes light up!!
* I ran into the gross guy from the bar the other night, the one who was pro-war, pro-
capitalistm and asked if Regan and I were lesbians
* It snowed hahaha good april fools day joke mother nature
* I had a dream last night that my friend Michelle and I got 100% on this assignment we did
together, so when we got it back and it was 85% I was honestly disappointed
(normally I jump for joy with anything above an 80)
* I can now count the number of days left in my undergrad on both hands and feet
* I was mentioned in Stephanies blog a few times today and that makes me happy:)
* I have been thinking about jobs for the summer, here is a list that have come up so far:
~ mail deliverer
~ window washer
~ landscaper
~ dog sitter for yuppies
~ vegan newsletter developer
~ mini buddha and bycicle seat maker
~ tree planter
~ outward bounder leader
~ food bank event coordinator
~ clown
~ study case for the clark or the mental institute

* some times people just suck, sometimes I am one of those people ~ but not today

Monday, March 31, 2003

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sal has been letting me for weeks that he was getting a surprise for me, he even told poeple so they could all be like "oh your getting a surprise", I hate not knowing but it was worth it!. today it came, I could tell by the look on salvo's face, I was brushing my teeth still half asleep, thinking ok he is so excited about this I have to be every happy[even thought I was feelign like shit] So he handed me the package, straight from e-bay. I reached in and pulled out 3 CDs AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I started to jump and scream and hug him and jump and scream. He got me 3 Bikini Kill CD's. Reject all Americian, The C.D. version of the first two records, and The Singles. I already own the singles, but one day when Marike was over in December, when we were planning our trip of Chicago, I rolled my chair over it and crushed the CD. I was so sad. Its not like I can just go to the local cd store and pick it up, they dont' even make them anymore. I love sal, I love sal, I love bikini kill, ilove bikini kill!!!!!!!!!!! There is nothing that could have been better at this time, nothing, he rocks my world. Thanks to everyone who kept this a secret form me, it was worth it!!!!
I forgot to mention about my swim meet. It was my first swim meet since highschool, which is actually so long a go now, that I don't really want to talk about it;) I love swim meets, the energy is great and I get to win at something!! After doing my undergrad at UofT and dealing with the compition and elitest attitudes. It is really nice to do something, try your best and get recognized for it. I mean they gave us certificates!! I got 6 certificates to put up on my wall. You know how cool is that. Forget about my graduation certificate, this 100 free tiem is brillant:) I went out with the swim team after the meet to a local pub. I hadn't been there in over a year. Not since after an exam last december, where our prof, drank a bit too much and started telling us the departments gossip. Man that was good times. I had great stories to tell people for months. actually it was kinda strange because he told us this story about antoher prof of mine who had been gay bashed after beign accused of plagerism. This story was all hush hush at the time, but the ten of us who showed up to the bar knew the deal. The just this past month I went to a conference and we got into small groups are were talking about safety in the classroom, specifically around ideas of sexualityand I heard from the prof that was attacked a first hand acount of what happened. It was an odd moment, first of all since the rest of the room was shocked and I didn't feel thatI had the appropriate reaction cause I was thinking "wow we got the whole true story, ***** wasn't kidding at all"

Last night when I was walking home form Clintons with kim. we foudn a HUGE clear cookie jar filled with animal crakers. It was still sealled and someone had written on it "cookie still good". I havn't tried the cookies yet, but dude I have always wanted a cookie jar this is so cool. I love toronto and finding random things on the street. Just last week walking home from Sarah's I found, a twead jacket, a mirror, two picture frames, platic plates and an bowl, a old metel light switch plate, two vases that say "In every language NSA says beautiful water" then in fifteen languages it says "beautiful water"!!!! and finlly a milk crate to carry it all home in. Spring cleaning time is here and Tobie is happy!! So many good good finds . .

Sunday, March 30, 2003

I met this boy last night who was all into astrology, so I decided to look of my chart, here it is everyone:
~if you don't have time to read it all it can be summerized with the one line "gracious, sweet and gay" . . .
other highlights include: Weak point: the kidneys, She needs to be dominated, and She cannot hide her love, but needs legal recognition. She wants all the marriage rites . . . I guess they missed my essay on my veiws of marriage :)

I decided to take off the results, they were invading my page and taking over. Really, the kept getting longer and longer and pushing other thing off. Really!!

are you anti-war? your anti-war right? you look like you're anti-war, ------apartantly I look anti-war and conveniantly I am!! It seems like the are you anti-war is the new pick up line. Sorry Boys its not working;)