not a pretty girl

a new person with each new experience

Saturday, April 26, 2003

Some times I wonder who I am writing for, I could be insightful and say it is for myself, but how would I explain the piles of poetry that I don't add here?
I could say it is for random people to read, but with catsy site being the site of choice by random strangers then I suppose not
I could say it is for my friends, but really no one comments, and I end up telling them half these things in person anyways
I still wonder why oh why does this blog exist, who is the intented audience,
I am still wondering if I should keep my comment section up, cause really when ever I write a poem or somethign contraversal I don't get any comments and honestly thats when I woudl like to get some, so instead of going compleatly insane checking to see if anyone as been prevoked I could wait until I talk to my friends and see what they have to say then. . . .
counter point, well sal moves I want him to be able to comment(he is my main commenter now, kinda silly since we live next door, but once he is gone those comments will be so much fun!!)Oh well regardless who is reading this my final discussion is I write to get it out there, this blog is an opportunity to have a shy post a poem or two, it is a chance for an active mind to rant when needed. When school is done and I won't have the same space and opportunity of contraversial discussions but I will still have this space. When the essay itch comes, I can post them here (best part no red pen marks) . . .Ok so I have convinced myself, the "I'm not a pretty girl" blog is much needed for me, I just hope that the people out there are enjoying it . . . .

Friday, April 25, 2003

hey bois and grrls, there nothing like a new haircut to make you feel a bit better!!

a night of adventures,
oh what a fool I was to think I might be able to go out
swing dancing a bust, no line dancing in my world
need to sit down, sip on my beer
a pool game or two, boy that tired me out
wet t-shirt contest --- too smoky for me
a little bovine action --- I will have to pass
pizza for all --- except for the girl coughing in the corner
a taxi home--- yeah the sleeping girls alright
all by 11 pm, straight to bed for me until another day

Wednesday, April 23, 2003

the day in the life of a SARS patient
I wake sweating at 6 am and have a bath to wash the fever away . . .I then fall back asleep . . .I hide in my room until the roommate is in the washroom, he thinks that I have SARS, and I don't want to have to deal with him hiding from me . . .I just miss the bus, good thing, cuz I don’t' want to have to hold my breath the whole. . . I take a cab, and hold my breath anyways, I don’t' want the cabby to say anything. Through my three hour exam, I cough cough away, when I'm leaving I hand the Procter the exam, she looks at it, then at me and looks up and says "was that you coughing?" I say yes but I don't have SARS . . .she has been so nice to me in the past but today, she doesn’t want to touch my exam and starts asking me about my temperature . . .I leave with out saying a word. I get on the subway to get to the SARS clinic; they will deal with this once and for all.
On the subway I cough a bit and everyone looks at me, no one moves way and I'm actually surprised. At the subway waiting for the bus, I think making a phone call, but I don’t' want to touch anything. The final bus is really bad, I feel that everyone knows where I'm going and they really just want to go shopping across the street from the hospital and not deal with me at all . ..
The SARS clinic is straight out of "OUTBREAK", a man fully covered from head to toe lets me in on glass door that only he can open, there I have to put on a mask, wash my hands and wait for the nurse. She comes and asks me a few questions; she too is covered from head to toe. I am then escorted into the main area, where they take my health card. I have to basically scream to get through the mask. They take my temperature (its a few degrees high, but nothing to worry about) and send me to another room. I sit on a chair covered by a cloth and wait. I know they know I'm there my coughing is continuous and very loud . . .finally the doctor shows up our session is short and sweet, I don't have SARS, but the women who watched us, has me sign a form that says I wont go outside for two days, and if my symptoms don’t' go away I have to call them for more info . . . I am escorted out and told to take my mask off and wash my hands once again. My ride home was a bit less stressful, since I had proof that I dint' have SARS, but people looked at me the same way. I though about wearing it around my neck, if they are going to be staring they mise well feel better about me being there. When I get home I put the paper on our kitchen board for the roommate to see, he doesn’t have to worry anymore, I won’t give him SARS . . .

Tuesday, April 22, 2003

Relating to a year to the day

The rain falls down, calms my soul, like the dancer in the dark
The glass house plays, creating the same airy contentness
On a cloud, distant from the world, from rational beings
Spinning, flying, beauty in death and disease
Beauty is everywhere
While the masses cry, I smile, content, enjoying the calmness of death
Dancing, softly
My arms are lifted from the sides of my body, as if a pressure has suddenly been released
I may never need to talk again other than to say
It is all so beautiful

My heart is open, exposed in my floating hands
It wants to really feel, to experience, to love
It leads me with my eyes closed to the stars of possibility
I place it down and walk away
We are no longer attached
My love is out there for the world to see
My body does not exist anymore

A body without organs
Living in continuous intensity
I have no empty space that need to be filled
Just experiences I need to share
I have reached a plateau
Come share with me
Our energies with manifest between the airs that we created
I just experienced the stigma and paranoia that comes with disease. My roommate came to my door and asked what symptoms I had, he was implying that I might have SARS, and he suggested I go check it out. This was valid, considering what is happening right now, but with his questions and the way he talked to me, made me feel stigmatized, suddenly I felt dirty, and I feel uncomfortable to leave my room or touch anything in our house. I know his behavior comes from fear, I wish I could say that it came from concern, but his next comments cleared that as a possibility. He sad "cuz if you have it I don't know how my system will handle it." So not only did he with a few short sentences, make me feel that I am diseased, his selfishness, and lack of concern for my health and wellbeing, was a clear sign how people stop thinking rationally in times of crisis, how they are willing to turn on their neighbors and friends. I really don’t think it is a possibility that I have SARS, I was with the cute boy the other day and he was sick, he had all the same symptoms that I have now, and after a day in bed, he was fine. It was just the flu. But I will go tomorrow to a SARS assessment clinic, just to check it off the list of possibilities.

Monday, April 21, 2003

a little sick . . .what to do . . . I have an idea
soy delisious and pretty women . . . it does the trick every time

as I hang out with my family, my quirkiness makes sense, I mean my uncle was wearing a red bowtie and suspenders, he looked so cute . . .I have gotten to an age where hanging out with my family is no longer a chore, but an event that I look forward to and enjoy . . .they are so supportive and kind, and really me being my sensitive self it can be really refreshing to be with a group of people to not only love you unconditionally, they also think so highly of you and have so much faith that you will do great things. It is especially nice to have people around that weren’t all "so what are you going to do next year?" . . . So often I feel that if I don’t' come up with the perfect answer for that people will think that I am aimless and have no goals. Its not that I am aimless per say, but rather, the possibilities seems so open right now, I really feel like I could do anything and everything, I want to experience as much as possible, and at the same time keep up my relationships. Lately I have been sliding back in forth between the happiest and most confident then I have ever been and at the same time completely lost and unsure of anything. I feel the people that have it all figured out are lying to themselves, I mean its good to have a plan, but life has its own plans and in a sense there is no point planning. I mean it’s good to be prepared, but I really feel the most important thing is to have a positive attitude, and keeping doing things that you love and things will work out. I told this theory to a woman last month; she said "how retro of you" and didn't look impressed at all. She expected that I would have this grand plan all set out, where I was going and what I wanted to do . . . honestly the fact that I made it through university is such a feat itself. A few years ago if she asked me my plans it would have not including graduating, let alone applying to grad school I don't know if I will get in, but I tried, and if they don’t' let me in, its there loss, it shows to me that they don’t' really understand different ways of knowing, cuz I feel my way of knowing is different then the majority of the other applicants. My learning disability I feel should be an added bonus, really though, if I have made it this far and I am willing to work around my learning disability then they should know that I am willing to put allot of work into my projects and that I have a deep interest in the subject. I will wait to see what happens, and for all of those out there who are wondering what will Tobie do after she graduates, she doesn't know yet, but it will be good, so watch out and keep undated !!!