not a pretty girl

a new person with each new experience

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

warning the following post is coming from a PSM/pregancy scared moany girl . . . I was going to deleate it but alas, I have desided that I would leave it but warn you if you don't want to read a moany rant avoid this post!!!

Its final I hate hair salons, the thing is I love getting my hair cut. I like the feeling of someones hands through my hair artisticly comtemplating the next move. I like the siccor noises next to your ears. I like the feeling of the close shave at the edge of the hair line and the brush sweeping all the extra bits off. But today sitting in the salon with all those other people put me in such a mad mood. I started to hate the design the guy put in the back of my head, mainly because everyone was staring and dowing over it. The thing I can't even see the design so the dislike of it is not really a practical, every time I look in the mirror thing.

Being in the salon with all those "pretty people" I started to feel very ugly. The way he styled me hair didn't suit me, its one of those ultra straight bangs things that goes over your eyes. I felt that it brought out the hair under my lip and my second chin. One thing I felt good about was that I resisted the makeup, everyone else that was a model for this thing had makeup on. Some of them the make up was simple but others had huge green circles around there eyes.

I'm easy when it comes to me hair, hense letting this randomer from Toni and guy do a design in the back of my head. But I hate the idea that he tried to tell me what to wear, what look to pull off and that I should wear make up. The hair salon enviroment was worse then usual since there were a few people doing this exam. The guy who did mine had 13 people he coloured there hair and I'm sure the others had similar numbers. Since they were young and trying to impress they were trying the hippist, trendiest hair styles. Everyone looked straight out of a magazine.

The thing is he got marked on my whole hair cut and colour which mostly it was done my james. The T&G guy cleaned up the front, gave it a bit of shine but mainly did this newgrave flourecent swirl thing in the back of my head. They all thought it was great. the examiners talked about how he must have used a stencil for the star and that they loved the front colour. I wanted to say - yeah my boyfriend made a stencil and I used cherry bomb fudge for the colour in the front. It is the crazy flourecent thing in the back of my head that he did. And yeah the swirls of colour were done well, but fuck I have three random flouresent swirls in the back of my head and if you start doing this as a thing you guys all suck.

blah blah blah . . . can't wait to shave it all off . . .

later in the day my bad mode turned into sadness, I don't do well with leaving, I was seeing people I barley know and it felt bad that I didn't know them more that I can't say - lets get together next week, I can only say see you in the fall, and they don't even have fall here! Of course this sadness wasn't elivated by reading this girls zine that was thought tid bits and talking to this guy who randomly was the guy in my dream who through paint in my face, I didn't tell him that since we have never really chatted. Anyways he was talking about going on this mad adventure with his girlfriend, they were going to try and bike to australia from france. What made me sad about this was not his adventure which sounds great. Just that I can barely get james to hang out let allone go on mad adventures. He was suppose to go with me to london but no, then to vienna but no. and we talked from the beginning about going biking randomly and going camping and unless it happens this weekend, which it could but I doubt it, we won't have a chance to. He gets him self so caught up in campaigns that he is doing that he forgets to have fun and jsut enjoy him self. I was talking to him yesterday about burn out and that he needs to go out and have fun. I wonder if he is depressed - last night there was a punk gig and he didn't want to go, this weekend there is a weekend camping punk fest and he is not interested. These are things that I feel normally he would be all over. And then there is the thing that I found out that he got into the masters program and he didn't seem to care. He is so caught up in making posters, meeting and campaigns that he sees little else.

This guy that I ran into was saying that his girl friend was suppose to go home to canada in may but he begged her to stay and go on this adventure. It was that line that got me. The thing is when james and I are together it is great, but he seems like he could take it or leave it at any moment. When I was contemplating wether to stay or go he didn't care and when I said that I was going to miss him over the summer he said how would he know if he would miss me since I'm not gone yet.

His indifference to me at times can really get to me. He wonders why I need the reassurance, I wonder why he refuses to give it to me. When we are out with friends and his leg rests on mine or his hand rubs my hand I feel wonderful, and when we lie in bed it feels perfect.

tonight is a party in this squate in james neighbourhood, he is at a meeting till late so I don't know if he will be into it. Even thought I really want to go, it might not be the best idea, I'm not feeling so well and I have to get up early tomorrow. Then tomorrow night is a girls grassroots night. That leaves the weekend I really hope that he will let his stuff go for a few days and try to have some fun.

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Ladyfest Dublin!!! we had our first meeting today and it is really exciting. this one jenna was saying afterwards that she was in such a great mood, that she loves working with women and thought the energy, idea, creativity, thoughfulness was great. She said that women are so resourceful. I have to agree that I felt good in and out of that meeting. The girls were all more chatty then you would get a grassroots or other meeting but much of that was the relaxed nature of where we were and that it was a casual first meeting. Everyone in that room (there were 8 and 3 of them canadians- this continues the theory that canadians are trying to take over ireland) had likeminded ideas of what they wanted this to be but at the same time had such a wide variety of experiences. From those who have put on gig, to whole festivles, girls in bands, artist, spoken word artists, those who have been to lady fest, and so on and so on.

Much of the ideas that were coming out were that they wanted this as a opportunity to get girls involved in music. That they wanted bands to start because of this and play at ladyfest. That they wanted a huge variety of women making films, art, theater and so on to put on at ladyfest.

ugg so very tired, I seem to start writing at very late hours lately and either get into a mad writing session that keeps me up for all hours of the night or get to tired to get accross the ideas that were swirling around in my head. So there you have it I'm signing off . .

Sunday, May 23, 2004

Last night this guy said to me that I always seem bright eyed and bushy tailed. I have heard that my whole life, he said I seem like someone who eats healthy and gets tens hours of sleep a night. oh how wrong he is, In the past 48 hours I have slept six hours and have only eaten veggie burgers, chips and pop corn. Last night i walked home from this party and watched the sunrise, it was the perfect end to the day and night. earlier at the party my self and many other brave soles climbed up this rickety ladder on to the roof. A few people mentioned that the roofs and chimneys were very mary poppinish. I could have stayed there forever and my fear of going down the ladder was encouraging such ideas, but alas it had to end. There was something very movie like about that roof, very romantic. Not flowers, chocolate and bad poetry romantic, but kinda dreamy. you would expect midst to over over the chimmneys and watch dick tracy like characters chase each other with unrealistic jumps over alleys.

yesterday should be named in dublin history of the day of meetings. from ten to ten, there was onlt two hours that were not occupied by meetings. luckily i really like the people at these meetings, otherwise I think i would go mad. Its actually increduable how i feel at home with the grassroots crew. Its like going to the 519 when i first came out, lady fest, equity studies, the ethical lover group - its a group of people that i really feel good about and my nervous mind and body relaxes and I am able to be myself and enjoy these people. And that feeling is strong than it has been in past similar situations. I believe it has to do with the level of respect I have for the work and dedication these people have.

as this one guy said, if it were for the buzz drugs would be cheeper. ok james sleepy arms keeps hitting random buttons, so before i lose this post i'm out.