not a pretty girl

a new person with each new experience

Wednesday, August 20, 2003

leave it to herbal remedies and japanese food to make life bearable. I just mailed my registration forms, and instead of relieving the anxiety continued to build. Its crazy how little time these people give you, the form is due on the 28th and I just got it yesterday, bearly enought time to get it back to them, actually it will only get to them on time if it arrives on the 7 day of the 7-10 day estimate. This has been the case for all off the forms. Because of this I have had to express post several of them since it took me a few days to look them over. anyways . . . I took a walk over to the Aldaright foods in my neighbourhood and found the rescue remedy that I had given to marike. I felt better the moment I picked it up . . . I turned to pay and realized the whole store had been turned around that amount of inconsistancy was almost to much for me today. The cashier saw my confusion and told me that they moved the cash registers just the other day. I felt compelled to tell him that I had given my rescue remedy away a few months ago and with moving away I felt that I need to get it. He completley got me and we chatted a bit. Then the manager, who I talked to earlier this summer about getting a job, saw me and started to chat aswell. I walked out feeling much calmer and peacefully, but no completely. Only a few things could save me now, luckily across the street was a japenese resaurant. The decore brought a wave of peacefullness over me. I got my own booth surrounded by rice paper and bambo. I had the most wonderful lunch and left feeling full but a light kinda full, happy calm and peacefull.
august 20th how did it become august 20th, where did that time go, its crazy . . .I have an opportunity to go away from the 25th to the 28th, which I plan on taking, which means I have less time in Toronto then I originally thought, I work the next four days, go away for four days, work for three days and have a week to get my self ready to go. I hope I have a chance to see everyone that I love, I was planning to have a go away party but it seems like that idea is falling apart. Maybe I will have a select group of people out for dinner . . .

I have been switching back and forth between extreamly excited where people tell me my normal sparkle in my eye has turned to a full body glow, to feeling slightly panicy causing my mind and body to seaze up. Before Marike left to go back to Germany she was so nervous. I mean I had never seen anyone so scared to fly before. When she was planning her trip she looked into the possibility of taking a boat, who does that really you have to be pretty damn scared to fly if you are willing to take that long and those conditions to get over to cananda. Anyways I gave her my herbal rememdies for anxiety. I swear the stuff really works, but I'm thinking I will have to take a trip to the health food store and see if I can pick some up!!!

the past few days I have crossed many things off my to do list for the summer . . . both friday and saturday going pool hopping made a huge dent in the list . . . and today when at the islands with sk and lee we went to the clothing optional beach, I sat there topless with shorts and when we went in the water, I just wore my undies . . .I really enjoyed my time there, it was so comfortable to hang out with all these naked people. Mostly the people there were boies, males seem less intimidating when they are walking around with their dicks exposed and limp. There was this one guy running down the beach, it was funny to see him flopping all around. I have read that at nude colonies they play beach volleyball and other activities that cause ones body to flop around . . . call me immature but i think its funny. One thing that really hit me was everyone there was white. There was this one spanish guy who was with his white girlfriend, but that was it. I'm sure cultural differences can explain much of that, but I wonder if there is more too it. Since it is such a white dominated space are people of colour less likely to feel safe . . . I will have to think about this more.

again questions of nudity come up, on friday I got changed into my bathing suit in view of many other people including boies, it was dark and I had drank a few beers so I didn't feel self concious at all, on saturday I swam nude and walked around naked with two other girls, it was only the three of us and again it was dark. Today I changed out of my underwear in to a bathsuit (ready to work) and felt fine exposing my bum to the beach . . .BUT I still don't feel like I can walk around nude casaully during the day. I still feel a need to hide my ass . . . really. one step at a time . . .

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

oh how time flies by when you don't have internet access, it was been a strange week completely disconnected from the world wide web . . . and i think it was good, I did a lot of writing with paper and a pen I went to parties, pool jumped both with a bathing suit and nude,hung out on padios looked at mars and chatted with friends and acquantences . . .over all had a wonderful week. I think this power outage was the best thing that could happen to Torontonians. I really hope they think about.
The positive things that could come out of it are:
people spend more time with each other and not attached to machines
the government seriously start looking at solar and wind power as alternative forms of energy
business and government buildings turn off their lights at night
people contemplate wether the dependance on electricity and machines is really nessissary and they become more enviromentaly friendly
hybrid, and solar cars become the way of the future ( I just heard about this engine that runs on vegtable oil and these people have converted an odl truck to be the test pilot)

ok ok so these thoughts may have been realistic a few days ago but I think most people are going back to their old ways blaming human error in the design of the electric curcuits and not looking at there own and the communities consumption.

I just rode home from work and realized that I really like that job. That might sound strange since this job requires little brain activity, but really I love it. First of all as I have said before often I get paid to read, and I'm sitting outside by a pool reading, on my breaks I get to go swimming. Secondly when people are there I reallyu engage with them, I have created a great repore with all the regulars and get positive comments regularly. i was told today by this women that everyone is talking and saying that they really like me and they are going to miss me when I go away. Thirdly I have no immediate suppervision, there is a rotating supervisor that visits 15 different pools and he came by for the first time yesterday and I got a perfect evaluation. Other then 15 mins yesterday I am comp[leatley on my own and never feel any stress at all. Forthly being a social scientist this is such great place to watch people and learn there stories. I am fasinated by the family dinamics and the history of the poeple who live in this building.

I have only 2 more weeks at this building. And last week my adult swimming lessons were over. Since my qualifications do not cross over to Ireland this probably will be the last time I guard and instruct swimming classes, I really going to miss it. The feedback I get at the end of each adult sesson in increduable. This people really make me feel that my future is in education at some level. They all tell me that I have a nack for it, tha my dedication adn patience plus the way I break down the lessons made it the best swimming expereince most of them have had. not only do I love teach swimming because I actually am a fish (yes its true people you always thought I was human but I fooled you, ask anyone who grew up with me, they will tell you how it was growing up with a fish), the social scientist in me gets so excited. here are adults who are facing there fears and taking up an activity that a majority of people in our society learn when they are quite young. I love to hear why they are here, what was it that encouraged them to take the plunge (hehehe).

So this post seems all happy go lucky but actually I read Prozac Nation last and much of my thinking and writing has been about depression. There is this line in an ani song fuel that says
"They say that alcoholics are always alcoholics
Even when they're dry as my lips for years
Even when they're stranded on a small desert island
With no place in two thousand miles to buy beer
And I wonder is he different
Is he different
Has he changed
What he's about
Or is he just a liar
With nothing to lie about"

I use to think about that and wonder if they same aplies to depressed people, I have always been scared that I have a tendancy to depression and that I coudl fall back at any moment. that maybe I'm not differnet but I just have nothing to be depressed about. But I think that idea is part of depression, at Elizabeth says in prozac nation depression becomes comforable it becomes home and while you are there it is so easy to stay, but so much of battling depression is changing they way you think and if you think that you are not going to go back to that placde, that when you have sad days they are just that and you are not stuck in a black hole once again, you will beable to get out and not live in depression. When I am having sad days I have to remember how far I have come. Reading Prozac nation was really scary and sad because ultimatly my expereince was quite similar, the character in the the book tended to get annying and tedious, and I acted similar for a long time. No wonder I lost so many friends. Althought the character coudl be read as selfish, self absorbed and so on, when you are in that placed trapped in your head, really it is the only way you can be. you feel that if only you could be loved enough or helped enought it might be the only way out.

I realize it has been three years since I have been surverly depressed, I really never thougth I was going to get out, I thought that I was going to forever live my life liek that. Much like Elizabeth in Prozac Nation I was depressed at quite a younge age and had my first overdose with medication that would never actually do me in. When you have ten years of depression and you are in your early 20's you can see no way out. I feel that most people see suicide as a slefish act, they tend to get angry when some one attempts suicide. Prozac nation showed the discrepancy between the reation of the people who experience a freind or family member in that situation and someone actually in that situation. I do compleatly understand how suicide effects so many people not just the person committing the act and I woudl do anything in my power to prevent a person from doing it and try to get them help. What I don't like about the dialogue around suicide is it isjust a cry for attention or the person is being monipulative. The thing is it is often a cry for attention. Attention that mention illness is a serious problem, that this person cann't live in there own skin anymore and if they are to live they are going to need all the supprt they can get to get them out of there head and change the way they mind is working. I hate when people say that an attempt was just a cry for attention and that a person didn't really want to die. Because althought they might not have wanted to end life entirely, from my expereince many people do want to end this life, the memories and mind that is keeping them in suc a dark place. They would like to have a different life and continue to live.

So is suicide the best option NO but making people realize how serious depression can be. I just would love to see and end to calling people with depression lazy and selfish. They need help like anyother desease. One problem is the reaction of depression which I will sum up in another ani song Pick Yer Nose:
I think shy is boring
I think depressed is too
I think pretty is nice
But I'd rather see something new

the thing is if you are battling with depression who are you suppose to talk to, people like happiness, excitment, they don't want to hear about depression, I suppose that why there are support groups and therapists. But i wonder if we reacted to depression differently if things would be different,if you coudl talk openly about see a therapist and being depressed with friends and family maybe depression won't take over, maybe people would have more sad days that they can figure out with someone adn not feel issolated.

anyways I should really move on . . .
3 more weeks till I leave to Ireland!!