not a pretty girl

a new person with each new experience

Saturday, May 17, 2003

so hows the mono thing working for you?
~youre the only one that I have a hard time with . . .


Well at least I know that when I date someone seriously even though mono-poly issues seem to get in the way, I choose increduable people. I mean three nights in a row hanging out with 3 different ex, and I walk away feeling so much love and thinking they are the most beautiful increduable people. Here comes the honest and raw part . . . its easier being friends with some exs more than others. I feel that freindships works better or just makes sence with some poeple. I love them dearly and think they are increduable and I'm so glad that they are in my world. Yet they work within the framework of friends so nicely that it seems better that way. NOW other exs well, yeah the friendship part is good, but they fit so perfectly into my fantasy world that its hard to imagine not being with them. The chemistry is still there, we both feel it but we can't truely act on it. We both know it is more than friends. But are willing to keep it platonic for the sake of still being in each others lives. Damn I respect sks decision to be mono and to be with another women. I will not do anything to get in the way of that. But we would be fooling ourselves if we said this was just friends. Yet we say good night after an extended hug, tell each other how much we love each other and go to our seperate spaces . . .it would be so nice if sk could just stay the night . . .

Thursday, May 15, 2003

. . . or a kick in the box
this morning at work I wrote this happy-go-lucky prose about going to the ethical lover meeting last night, but that happiness will have to be replaced by the bitterness I now feel. As most of you know a few weeks ago I had an alergic reaction to some medication, and you know that last week I went to the alergist to get tested, and they asked me to came back this week for a 3 hour appointment. Well today was the day. I thought it was goign to be fine, I mean regan and I went down together, I had Stupid White Men with me, really how coudl it be bad. WELL, I get there early and sat reading the top 50 best companies to work for in canada and what your car says about you. Fifteen mins pass and I stand up wondering whats the deal. The nurse, who brutalized my arm last week is standing there. She asks if I bought the medication. I was slightly confused, "what medication?" I say, she says the doctor was suppose to give you a perscription and you have to get it filled. Ok not only did he not give me a perscription, he did not inform me that I woudl be responsible for purchasing the medication that they needed to test me with. I demanded to see the doctor, and of course he was not in yet. I had to wait twenty more mins before he decided to grace us with his presence. I asked him about the prescription and he said that it was not expensive -just under $20. I told him that I was very upset because he had not informed me about this cost, if he had I could have planned for it. The expectation that I would be ok spending $20 with out warning was absurd. I told him that I was on a tight buget and he had not only just wasted my day he caused me to spend $5 in transportation for no reason what so ever. He was slimmy and trying to talk his way out of the situation. Attempting to blame me for his forgetfulness. He handed me a perscription and told me to rebook the appointment. I took the prescription from his hand and walked out with out another word. The secretary gave me a sympathetic look as I marched out the door.
I was glad that my eyes stayed dry for the whole encounter. He really pissed me off, and usually when I'm really upset and I decide to be assertive in the situation I start to cry. Which sucks because then people dont' take you seriously. It is deffinalty something I have been working on, and I decided a while ago fuck who care if I cry, cause even though tI feel bad if I cry and feel that people do not respect me I feel worse if I am passive and a push over. And I have been getting better at it, I barely remember the last time I cried. Not saying that I didn't' feel like I was going to today, I had to hold back, and I'm sure my eyes were slightly watery as I walked out that door.
I don't think I will go back to Dr. Ho for the oral challange . . .I think I will go to Chris' dad, a friends father will have to treat me with more respect then the ho master . . .

Wednesday, May 14, 2003

ok I have to say that I love my friends . . . I just recieved this emial card from the one the only bri . . .
to read all the beauty, creativity and brillance that is bri click here not only is bri the most beautiful person, when I talked to her after getting this ecard, she said she felt bad about the hierical structure of the letter and wished she had made all of us anti-princesses!! Not to worry bri, I'm sure most of us identify that way anyways:)
You look human . . . can you spare 70 cents

Yesterday my bro and I were walking around the bay-front coridoor, on our way to pick up jays tickets. We were celebrating mothers day/seans b-day/toronto has sars . . . on our way to the redeem our tickets we say several homeless men dealing with the harsh wind. Which is such an improvment from the bitter cold winter we had. Anyways this one guy came up to us and said " You two look human, not trendy or suits, do you think you can spare 70 cents, if I get ten people to give me that I have $10 adn can get food and a place to stay" We handed over a loonie. Sean and I were talking and he said that he has a $3 a week buget to hand out on the streets. Its so hard to have to say no to some and yes to other, but sean is right we would be broke (not that we arn't already) if we gave money or food to everyone who asked for it. This guy was charming and we gave him money . . . i feel that it should be based on need and not charm. But really the problem with poverty and homlessness is so server, the people who make the funny signs tend to get part of my few dollar buget for the week.

What amazed me about this particular guy was four hours later, when I was walking on Spadina with my mom I say him again, he nodded and said "thank you" . . . so impressed
this city is so unfriendly to homeless people it makes me sick. The instituional structures to rid the visibility of this population is discusting. They have changed ttc benches so no one can sleep on them, they have removed ttc shleter compleately or partial walls so no one will stay there for pertection from the elements. banks have locked their doors after hours so no one can hang out inside. tent city was evicted, homeless peoples property is removed to avoid "eye soars". Shelters are not getting enough funding and the list goes on. Our city would rather push this already margnialized community further in to the margins in order to avoid having to look at them then deal the the problem of poverty in our city.

Imagine instead of having "toronto has sars" campaign to get poeple to spend money on the theater, restaurants and sporting events they had "toronto has povery problems" campaign to create affordable housing and safer shelters. It coudl be . . .join a protest for afforable housing, hand out food, blankets, medication etc to those who need it, give money to organizations that are trying to make a difference. We could have thousand of tickets for sale to an event to illiminate poverty . .. a limited time offer . . . Saddly the people who have money do not see poverty as something that directly effects their lives and therefore the campaign would be falling on deaf ears and preaching to the converted.

Tuesday, May 13, 2003

blog shy

When I first heard of blogs three years ago I was living with three boys up north (lawrence and bathurst). One of the boys started dating this girl who kept a daily log of her life. My roommate watched his relationship unfold and open to critque on the internet. We were all intritued by this online journal. One of our friends was particularily captivated, she read the blog obsessivley checking to see if anything she sad had capivated the writer enough to get an entry. I was so glad that it was not me dating this girl, I mean every moment of their dates was exposed, I would have been very self consoius. I think the roommate was going on anego trip since this girl totally dug him, they eventually broke it off, but I'm sure the blog kept them together longer just so said roommate coudl read about how all of her friends thought he was sweet and hot. Well my friend who was captivated met her dream girl, a girl who kept a blog. They started to date, my friend would read this blog daily seeing how her new crushes admiration was growing .. . .the thing was the blog girl didnt' know that my friend knew about the her blog. Regardless they are still together now!

I found both of these experiences very creepy. If you are starting a relationship with someone I feel that they should get to know you by talking to you not just reading about you. On top of that reading how your dates are percieved is just wrong, it take the fun out of the game, not to mention it gives the reader this unfair advatnage aobut knowing what the other person is thinking with out having to share. Plus I feel that one will act differently if their every move was being commented on not only by the person they are dating but also my their friends and admirers.

A few months ago when I started to read catsy, stephs and elianes blog I started to understand all the good things a blog could be . . .I realized how much fun it coudl be and that it is a great way to share random things with people that you don't see everyday. It also has been a great way for me to get over my fear of poeple reading my poerty since there is a seperation between them reading it and me. Aswell I have been learning some basic computer skills !!

Due to my expereince of dating and blogging, I have not been posting very much about cbeb on this blog at all. For a month I didn't even give him the address . . .but now he has it and reads it I feel I must continue to censor my entries. SK said to me why dont' you just write it as it is . . . and I do most of the time . . .I have writen poems about people knowing full well that they will read them . .. but again there is a seperation. I dont' see these people all the time, and maybe more importantly, most people who read this either know me really well or not at all so I don't feel vulnerable exposing my self to them.

Now that the cbeb can and is reading this blog I really wonder if I can just let myself say things as they are. I tried writing things in poetry form, almost disquishing the writing. I had hoped that he had read it and figure that I was talking about him. But of course he hadn't and I mentioned it to him . . .AHHH way to exposed, he now will be reading it with the awareness that I'm writing about him . . . so oh course I deleated the post ; )

This is just one small step back in the shy blog world, I will write more in the future that is raw and honest but right now I must take a step back. The one thing that I hate about blogs started to enter into my world and I just can't deal. Althought I deleated the poem the last line of it was "all that needs to be known is that I adore you"

Ok so I'm still exposing my thoughts but not the full poem . . .that was way to much . . . off to job hunt now . .wish me luck

Monday, May 12, 2003

The mistrial is the best news we could have heard. Early afternoon today the trail of the OCAP activist came to a close, the jury was unable to come to a conclusion to wether or not the activist planned and participated in a riot on June 15th three years ago. This lack of decision was so excellent, after months of being on trail and days of waiting for delibeartion, friends family and the three themselves have needed this moment of relief. The fear of being sent to jail had been held over their heads this whole time. Although it is not quite an acquital, I feel that this hung jury shows so much hope for the future of activism and protest. With the rhetoric of activist being terrorists, its nice to know that a jury was not quick to follow the construction of the activist. Thios is not just a victory for these OCAP members it is a victory for protestors everywhere . . .I feel that this result shows that the general public has sympathy for the work that OCAP is doing. I think that the morale of OCAP will be at an all time high, and activists will be rejuivinated to continue to fight for the rights of the poor and homeless.

PLEASE DON"T PAY ATTENTION TO THE POST BELOW THIS . . . . blogger has a glitch and I can't seem to figure it out . . . my two computer geek friends are not online right now for me to beg them to fix it for me . . . so skip to directly to the disturbing photo of the frozen baby in a cup :) thanks
No decision is the best news we could have happened, earlier afternoon today the trail of three posted by Reeuq @ 4:55 AM   5 Comments

Sunday, May 11, 2003

Babies babies babies babies!!!!! I had a full day filled with baby talk. First it was the baby shower, which I have to say my cousin scored at . . .I mean she got everything, from powders and shampoos, to cribs and change tables, she won't have to buy anything . . .well until her baby gets here and the next 20 or so years she has to support the child. I had fun at the shower, but started to feel nautious when the essentialist gender rhetoric was flying free and wild. There was no way to control it . . . not just about the gender of the child, also about the gender roles of the parents. I tried not to scream, but seriously at times I wanted to cry, all these intellignet women, sitting in this room saying so much crap . . . There was this sence of trapment, not just pressure to have babies, but all this talk of graduation moving on, the next stages of your life, buying into the system. NO I don't want to have kids, NO I don't want to buy a house, NO I dont' want to get a car, NO I don't want to get married, NO I dont' want to settle in the burbs and be brainwashed in to hegimonic capitlaist normativity!! Fuck. (the irritation I felt from this house filled with femme staight blond women was compounded with the fact, that I couldn't eat anything at the party, this I blame on no one but myself, I should have brought my own food, I just didn't think about it . . .oh well) Putting all of this aside, the party really was beautiful for claire, I mean, three of her friends that she has known her whole life organized a sweet party, everyone there had either has known Claire her whole life, or was related to her and just met her a few years ago when Claire met her birth mother. So much love was in that house . . .
in the evening Claire and I rented Rabbit Proof fences , which I recommend, while we were sitting on my bed, Claire grabbed my hand and placed it on her belly, I can't explain how beautiful it was to feel the baby moving around, stretching, trying to get comfortable . ..
It become so real at the moment, she is having a baby, a real live child in less than a month will enter the world. I felt so happy, proud, and in awe of this moment. I can't imagine what it must be like to have this child growing inside of you, knowing that your body has the capabiltiy to care for a living being . . .the pressure you must feel to know that soon you will be responsible for a life . . .I lied on the bed with my arm around claire dreaming about this little child that soon I will be the aunt of and soon my cousin, who I grew up as a child with was now having child of her own. I know she will be an excellent mother . . .and this time when I feel like crying they are the happiest tears that I have inside . . . .