not a pretty girl

a new person with each new experience

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

my mind has been working over time, and I feel emotionally drained. I thought that I was tired because of my weekends away adn being involved with so many things, but I realize that it is not my body that is tired it is my mind. I wonder am I getting to old for all of this, shutter at the thought of feeling old at 25 I plan not to be old before my time. Steph had on her blog before somthing about the blog being cheeper then therapy. It could be but evn here I don't want to overburden the blog with the workings of my mind, and I odn't want to be so serious all the time with people because I have to talk about stuff.

as weeks go by the more and more I feel distant from the idea of relationships, sustainalbe healthy relationships. When people use to talk about there girl friends- boyfriends I could relate to what they were saying. I connected both in the past and looking into the future, but now I feel so far away, I wonder if I have ever had a relationship like the ones I hear about, if I have put up to many barriers to get to the place where relationships make sence with out huge levels of drama. I know its neive to say that happy couples have an easy time maintaining there relationships, yet my mind wont even let me get anywhere near trying that. So now when people talk about there relationships I feel so distnat from it, removed not because I don't have anything now, but because I feel that it may not happen for me, that I might have these barriers up that prevent that from happening.

The past two months have been fun yet I don't feel as good about hooking up as I once did. I'm starting to think that I am reaching out fo rconnections with people because I don't have the network of friends that I once did. I think that I so despertly want a connection with someone that I have become a slut. Normally I would embrace this word and enjoy sex and sexuality, but suddenly I don't feel as good about it. the first month here when I hooked up with bug I was really into zi and was hoping for more, ans when I went home wiht the polish girl in london I was proud of myself for acting that free adn enjoying the moment.

Now two weekends ago I "got the girl" at the club nite and felt good about that, went out with her again, enjoyed kissing her, but the language barrier kinda stopped me from thinking beyond that. Then the boy at the student union weekend, felt good about that and hung out with him all week.

Now here is where the not so good feelings came in, this weekend I went down to galway with the boy, he was going down for the grass roots gathering. on the train was this queer girl that I know from around, she comes into my dry cleaners -- I started on the train with the boy and a few other grass roots gathers, but slowly moved over and chatted with the girl for most of the ride, it was not that we were into each other at all, it was just that she was a queer girl and I felt more at ease chatting about nothing with her then with the three anercist straight guys. The rest of the weekend surrounded by all the queer poeple made me feel so comfortable and at ease. I came to a realization by the end of the weekend, that is that I cannot date a guy exclusively, I really can't. I miss girls so much- just a week of this boy - although it was great and fun, I felt that there was something released while surrounded by queer kids. I realized that there is something with my relationship with queer grrls and boies that I can't get from a straight boy. Much of it is just a basic understnading of where I am coming from, but there is more to it. I know that I could be with a girl or several girls and not really miss guys. I have done it, and I always wondered what people really ment when they said that they only feel complete when they are dating both a guy and a girl. That wasn't my expereince. Yet this weekend I felt that I could not be happy ina relationship with a straight boy that something was missing. Even this past summer when I was dating cbyb and was totally into him I still felt the urge to date women. I went to the pussy place and started dating this women from the poly group.

I felt trapped already with dating this boy and this weekend went a bit mad, I gathered more hickeys which I am not proud of at all, I was quite popular with the girls, which I again don't feel to proud of. I slept in the same bed of the girls, didn't acutally sleep with her. Although she is beautiful and seems really cool, in the morning I just wanted her to disappear I just wanted everyone to disappear. I didn't feel good about it, I really felt that I had acting in a way that one would if they had just got out of a relationship had this sudden freedom to do what they please. I felt disappointed that I couldnt' have been happy enough that I had met this cool boy, that I felt a need to be with a girl.

When I got home, I tried to figure it all out in my head, the bi thing, the poly thing, the relationship thing, not to mention some gender issues that came to the forfront this weekend. I wanted to have this long talk with the boy about all of it, but I really don't think he will get it. Not that I can blame him, since I'm sure many wouldn't.

basically it comes down to that I feel that I have to much baggage, even thought I worked on all my old baggage stuff I thought I could never leave behind I seemed to have pick up much more on the way. I don't want to be in a relationships with all this baggage, or truth me told I don't think I am capable of one because of it. But I'm afraid that my easy going non commital relationships are starting to have a detrimental effect on me and will create even more baggage to unpack.

I know that I am being to hard on my slef in terms of my ability to have relationships. I have so many examples in front of me that show that I am capable of developing realationships, yet I see them as a anominatly, I wonder how my friends got it, I think that they must be saints to want to try and get me and open me up. Even though I do see these example, and expeirce so much love from them, I have not interalized my abilily to develop meaningful realtionships, and wonder if I will ever beable to have sex love and intimacy in the same person.

I think that is enough for know, I will leave the gender stuff for another day.

Monday, November 10, 2003

back from my second weekend away in a row, pink training this time, that is a group of 300 queer college students from around the country. We met in Galway which is a beautiful city, I would like to live there, it is this artsy progressive space. It is small but has almost as many queer clubs as dublin. We stayed in this hostel that was on Dyke street (hehehe). My mine feelings by leaving the weekend was how increduabley comfortable it was - leading to a shock to the system when we arrived back into Dublin and realized how straight the world is, that we are no longer the norm. The second was how apolitical the space way-which I relate to the fact that for many of these people it was there first time being surrounded by so many queers and it was more of a time to build a community then it was to fight the mainstream world. Don't worry though within the idea of building a community we pushed a few boundaries around the issue of trans and disabilty. There was the first ever gender queer group at pink trianing which only a small group of people came to, one of which was her first time coming out as gender queer. Plus another person who didn't come to the group came out as trans to me later. that was such a good feeling just know that us making noice and bringing up trans issues helped a few people.

I will write more soon, have to head to a meeting that was pushed forward an hour.