not a pretty girl

a new person with each new experience

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

I have suddenly gotten OLD. without acting or feeling old but aparently looking and being objecfied as old. So I suddenly have grey hairs, I don't mean a few grey hairs but a noticable amount of greys, enough that most people have commented and my mom who finds this funny mentioned at the age of 25 she went grey. my god I'm not out of school yet and I have hair that my mom can relate to. Then there is the lack of being asked for ID, in ireland that doens't mean much but in Toronto that means that I must look my age. Then there was this guy at work who is 21, he said that he was looking to date someone his age or older, but he wouldn't go for someone my age, he wouldn't even bother. this guy wanted to date an older women but I was over the top!

Being told constantly by those around me that I am old then placing with the fact that I have never been paid for a job that I have skills for except for teaching swimming lessons and that don't have a health long term stable relationship or have really had one is starting to make me seem like I have been failing in this life.

The thing is normally I don't feel that way at all, I look at the fact that I only ride a bike as wonderful, that I am doing my masters now as a great step for me, that I havn't sold out in the corporate world as something to be happy about, that I act and young and am filled with many ideals as a positive thing. I look at the fact that I don't have kids and don't nessissarily want them as freedom to expereince life. I look at my lack of settlement as possiblity for adventure.

according to our socialization these are the things you are suppose to do when you are young, you can have fun hair, not know what you want to be, take any job, just date, experience life etc. But in our capalist society you better make something of yourself, you are your job so you better find who you are and make money doing that thing, since this job will take away your free time and other sences of identity. when people ask me what I am going to do when I finish my masters, basically what I am going to be . . . as if getting a job suddenly allows you to be soomething when you were nothing in the past. I let them well I want to travel somemore, that I dont' know what I want to be , that I'm not much for long term plans since every thing I do and every person I meet changes me and I get introduced to new things. I am more for putting myself out there and following what ever path that my life takes me on. The thing is I know how I want to live but not nessissarily what I want to do.

For example I want to live in coop housing, I want to live cooperatively with people without a landlord, I want to be more self susutainable, I want to eat healthy and connect my food to politics ie veganism. I want to be creative and athletic. I want to try new things all the time, I want to make connections with people, do projects with them and do things that challange, create positive changes and spaces that allow personal freedom and expression. I want to write, do workshops, go to workshops, learn and learn somemore. I would love to have a community centre. do education work . . . basically I want to feel like I am always alive that I am creativity, that I am changing that I am active and young.

I know many people in their thirties, fourties and even a few 50 and up who I would say are young, who are beautiful regardless of grey hair or wrinkles, that are lovley, creative, energetic people. And I have seen way too many people in their twenties who are OLD, who dress old, who act old, who are as typical and close minded as you can imagine.

I figure in two years when we have a ten year reunion from univeristy (I'm assuming there is one, but don't look at me to organise it) I will be surrounded with people with titles, doctor, lawyer, engineer, teacher, etc etc, I will be surrounded by fathers and mothers, wifes and husbands, I will be surrounded by people who are are seen as successes or failures and when asked what I am doing I suppose I will have to say that I am work towards a better future. I'm sure the title I have at the moment in time will be a temperary one and will not reflect who I am and what I am doing, it won't nessisarily relfect what I have done.

When I ride up on my bike I'm sure I will be put in the failure catigory of the people that are there, but that is a dicotomy we need to break down. Sometimes I think that life is just a game that their is no reason to have fear, that life is too short to hold yourself back or allow anything like money or others expectation get in your way. There are times when I get too caught up in the material nature of this life and get too involved with the momentary drama and pain of everyday life. Then I get on my bike and laugh it all off realize how free I can be if I just choose to be and how everyday brings new things, new people and new ideas. That if I just relax I can take part in the process of creativity and not self distruction.

Yesterday I ran into an old friend, this guy danville that I dated a bit in highschool. He is fixing stuff at the ex, he came back to say hi and asked for 'heather' when he didn't see me there, they told him where to find me after some minor confusion on the name thing. I havn't seen him in years, when I was living in the east end I chilled with him for awhile since he is from scarbrough. He is another runner, they seem to be showing up in my life lately. He has alwys been so chill and relaxed about everything. he never got my depression thing or depression in general, he has always been this free spirit who lives life and doesn't let the daily things get to him. Possibley it is growing up in jamacia that instilled this attitude since it is not a typical one for a torontian.

He told me that about a year ago this guy we use to chill with, dans best friend through out highschool and much of life commited suicide, that he jumped off a bridge. Aparently nothing serious had happened in his life, he had not been acting any differently, he was the same old amere as dan says. He was worried about jobs and he was worried about his girlfriend (they had been going out on and off for ten years or something), the relationships as I gather was not giong well. He didn't say anything or give any indiction he just jumped.

of course danville being dan is ok, has just gone on with his life, he is thinking of leaving toronto since now there is one less person keeping him here and he wants to live his life. He didn't understand why amere did what he did. I know depression is real and it is devistating, I also know that life is forever changing and you have so much control to make it what you like. you may not have much control over work, or other peoples actions in relationships but you do have control over how you react to these things and how you let them effect you.

Amere would have been a few years older then me, being part of the scarabrough crew like much of the others that him and dan chilled with he didn't go to university or college he lived with his mom who raised him as a single mom in a small apartment just off pape a few blocks north of the danforth. I'm sure being a poor, brown male without credentials was tuff. His expereince is something that I can never relate to. We did talk about depression before and although to most of his friends he was a joker and a partier I know that he did suffer from depression. I havn't talked to his in years, after coming out and both dan and him where interested in the idea of threesomes more then respecting my choices and wanting to come with me to the dyke march to check out girls more then understanding that I wanted to be part of a wider community and meet more people who were like me, I slowly distanced myself from them.

I don't know what else to say about this except that hearing what happen to amere and being reminded of danvilles attitude to life it reinforced that idea of living in the moment while at the same time seeing the possibilities of the future. Dan tells me that he is just 24 then 25 I start to think he is is being pressured by the number of years he has been here and the supposed accoplishments we are suppose to have. I remember being just 16 and dan having a full licence and car so there is no way he is younger then I am. he has always been secretive about his age, birthday and such but it is funny the closer we get to thirty the more the pressure gets on, even for someone who tries to live outside the mainstream, even he has the capitalist pressure of being something by this age . . .