not a pretty girl

a new person with each new experience

Saturday, July 12, 2003

I'm off to buy a lap top . . . I'm heading to PCUsed . . . whats crazy is the cost of a old laptop is about the price of a new desktop!! I'm really excited about havign a laptop, the mobility to move and to do work where ever I see fit makes me *giggly* but I will be sad to lose some of the features of my pc. I can't seem to find a used one that has exactly what I want . . . maybe I can have them make it just for me *dreamy*

ok enough of that . . . no more computer geek moments

My new job has been a test of my sanity the past few days. The way it works is I work at a condo pool, I'm there for 11 hours and get two hours unpaid. The first hour I do maintnaice then I gaurd which I do allone . . . and due to the cold and rain the past few days that means completely allone. Yesterday I had one women come by in the first 20 mins of my shift, and then I spent the next 91/2 hours by myself. The highlight being kids were playing tenis next to the pool and they continuously hit the ball over the fence and on to the deck . . . I proceded to through back to them, that was the extent of my human interaction. So your thinking bring a book, this is the ultimate opportunity to get paid to read. Well I'm on top of that. I brought the 4th Harry Potter book both days. When I started my shift on Thursday I was at pg 150. Yesterday at 4 I finished the book, leaving me 5 hours with nothing to do. I read the Toronto star, eye magazine and the policy and procedure manual and cleaned cleaned cleaned . . .aHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, July 10, 2003

withdrawal from high speed . . . now that I'm living in Etobicoke, my only internet access is on my moms dial up computer which is in her room. So when I come home at night and am ready to post, am bursting with posting energy-- I have to respect the fact that she is sleeping and if my presence didn't wake her the dialing modem certainly would. So I'm starting a new job today-- its good since I will be able to save some money for the rest of the summer. But I feel that I don't have much time left here and want to make sure that I get to do everything that I want to do. This new job will although only 4 days a week, I will be there from 10-9 which is taking much of my day, if not all considering I live in Etobicoke. On my three days off, two of them I am already working at hart house, so really I only have Saturdays off. Which kills my need to go camping. I have been saying for months that I want to camp, but I think I will have to put that on hold till I move to Ireland. My Saturdays are going to be busy - - - but they can't be too crazy since I do work the next morning. Here is my list of things to do before I leave.

take photos of school, random Toronto streets, parks etc
go canoeing, kayaking, and rock climbing
see Shakespeare in the park
clean up the beach - - - collect rocks
dance under the stars
have picnics with my friends
go out to the light house on Leslie street spit
explore the bike paths that I haven’t yet
go pool hopping
---thanks to my friends this list is now half the size as it once was,. . .but if you have any suggestions please feel free

Tuesday, July 08, 2003

a few days past and I don't post . . .and I can't think of anything to post - has the sun captured my mind . . .I read for hours on end but can't seem to put two words together to make a post. . .still I try . . . I feel like I only have other poeple stories to talk about and therefore should let them post . . . ahhhh I do have something to post about . . .the other day I read Kaniz's blog, he wrote this post about saying goodbyes and how they effect him. He thinks that since his father was always coming a going for months at a time due to his job goodbyes aren't hard for him, and he usually doesn't miss people too much. Yet he wrote how is is going to miss Sal and I (which I thought was very sweet---he said "Tobie, is Sals not-evil roomate who is more fun then I can describe") yeah!!! anyways. . . his main point was that he makes his home where ever he lays his hat. And although I have always lived in the GTA I can relate. I tend to spend time with people who are in close proximity to myself, I have moved from the west to the east back to the west to the north, central and now west again. Each time I tend to not miss the people I left behind too much. Mainly because the move was no real, I was only a few miles away. I know that I would see them again blah blah blah . . .but the past few years that has changed, for example I have maintained a relationship with sk even though we live in different citys. It has become more and more about the people and not about the location. So I'm living in Etobicoke again yet I am trying to maintain the same level of friends that I had when I lived downtown plus keep in touch with my friends who have moved out of town. Here is the hard part . . . I can feel that I'm still a person who is attached to her location. So I'm worried about what will happen when I move to Dublin. I have never been good at maintaining long distance relationships, partially because I'm not a good phone person. I like to talk on the phone to make plans and occationally have a long conversation. I will have to start working on those skills, cuz I love my friends here and I would be devistated if they just washed away because of an ocean.

I can feel myself pulling away from people now, as if spending less time with them will make saying good bye easier. But I caught this and am going to make a valiant effort to stay close with people . . . because it won't make the move easier and it will make everyone involved sadder and loner now when that is not nessissary. I should really try to be as social as possible since I will be on my own when I first get to Dublin. So if I'm seeming distant thats whats probably going on -- I will try to make the effort to stay happy and active . . . anyways off to read the 4th Harry Porter book -yes I too am addicted.

Sunday, July 06, 2003

one more fear has been faced . . . today my mom and I biked over to the local pool, the pool which I worked at my first summer outdoors, the first three guards I saw I knew from the Olympium. Olympium is the indoor pool that grasped my soul for 6 years. It was the pool that watched and wispered as I went through the insanity of adolence. They were the people you gossiped and issolated me my years there. These are the people who I would rather never have to see again. A few things have changed from those dark years, I have developed a stronger sense of self, I have developed confidnece and I have grown my body hair!! The lifeguard world is so compleately hetero, so compleate jocky and so compleately against having any body hair. While I worked with these people I often flet self concious about my body hair. the thing is it is impossible for me to ever have smooth legs the way these girls do . . . mainly because of the PCOD I have lots of dark think hair. Being away from these people has freed me to celebrate my body hair. I love it --- I use to allow these people to have power over me. I use to let my emotions be controled by their comments--- as I locked my bike up I had a momentary feeling of dread by facing these people. This moment of uncertainity was filled with thoughts that if they ask me what I'm doing what will I say living at home looking for work ahhhhhhh, its kinda like the highschool reunion thing you want to be able to say that you are suceeding at some level. But them I remember even though this work was easy money how much I hated the job. So many people get stuck in it and are close to 30 and are still guarding. So I walked in head up high sporting my body hair, and my disinterst in working with the city. I said hello to everyone did the small chat caught up on the gossip went for a swim and waved goodbye realizing that even these people can't get to me. I have passed a level of confidence never to go back.