not a pretty girl

a new person with each new experience

Saturday, November 29, 2003

I was sitting on my bed reading about critical legal theory and rights discourse listening to ani . . .when I had a realization about one of her songs. I had never really listened to closely to the lyrics of "Light of Some kind" before, but its about being poly, about being bi. As if I didn't already have enough reason to love ani, but this has been an extream confirmation of that love . . .

i wish i didn't have this nervous laugh
i wish i didn't say half the stuff i say
i wish i could just learn to cover my tracks
i guess i'm not concerned about getting away

'cause every time i try to hold my tongue
it slips like a fish from a line
they say if you want to play
you should learn how to play dumb
i guess i can't bring myself to waste your time

'cause we both know what i've been doing
i've been intentionally bad at lying
you're the only boy i ever let see through me
and i hope you beleive me when i say i'm trying
and i hope i never improve my game
yeah i'd rather have these things weighing on my mind
and at the end of this tunnel of guilt and shame
there must be a light of some kind
there must be a light of some kind

i must have blown a fuse or something
cause it was so dark in my mind
she came up to me with the sweetest face
and she was holding a light of some kind
and i still think of you as my boyfriend
i don't think this is the end of the world
but i think maybe you should follow my example
and go meet yourself a really nice girl

'cause we both know. . .

in the end the world comes down to just a few people
but for you it comes down to one
but no one ever asked me if i thought i could be
everything to someone
there's a crowd of people harboured in every person
there are so many roles that we play
and you've decided to love me for eternity
i'm still deciding who i want to be today

'cause we both know. . .

Friday, November 28, 2003

what a day, I did absoloutely nothing, this results from the fact that I didn't sleep at all last night. I mean not even for a moment. Ready was over and sound a sleep, my lack of sleep had nothing to do with the fact that their was someone in my bed. My mind just wouldn't relax so many things were suddenly taken over in my mind. I eventually left my room and sat in the living room cuz my constant movement was waking him up. He was aksing me whats wrong, in one sence I wanted to sit up and tell him everything on my mnd, but I realized that he was probably half asleep still and the last thing he needed was for one of my rants to keep him up in the middle of the night. SO there I went to the living room and tired to meditate to relax my mind. I realized going over and over the things that were bothering me would be very unproductive and prevent me from sleeping. I did eventually get to sleep at 1 in the afternoon. FUCK!!

I hate days like this - it is so hard to function the day afterwards - its not like I get much sleep anyways but this no sleep thing really impeads on my ability to get anything done.

of the many many things that were going on in my mind last night, the last thought that came out was about alcohol. I have been thinking about it lately. Why we drink as a culture, why I drink as an individual. The way that alcohol controls cultural production. I mean the way that hours of drinking therefore determines the hours of concerts and clubs. Because bars here have last call at 11 and stop serving at 11:30, all shows start really early and last buses are at 11:30. you can then go to a club afterwards that serve till 2 or something but those are ment only for insane late night drinking after the other cultural events one takes part in. They are not about the music or the conversation but rather for those who have been disappointed that serving hours have cut short there evenings.

why have we let alcohol control our entertainment? our culture?

I'm not even taking about alcoholism as it effects indivual lives and the people around them, I'm taking about soical alcoholism. A society that is dependent on a drug in order to socialize.

so why do we drink, do we drink to forget, do we drink to let go, do we drink to connect . . .

some people say they need alcohol to let go to relax enough to dance. I'm not that person, I really enjoy dancing for the sake of dancing, I can get lost in it all with the music or the joking around with friends - so why the alcohol. The enviroment is condusive to it. It encourages drinking - its a level of peer pressure, its a level of suggestion. We often drink just because others are getting something to drink, we go allong with it.

why is it that we need alchol to go dancing, is our culture so uptight that one cannot have fun on their own innsitive. has it comsume in order for one to dance - is it that if one is dancing they are making a fool of themselves - and the reason people make fools of themselves is related drinking.

how would sponantious dancing on the streets be comprehened in a culture that associates dancing with alcohol and drugs. would by passers assume that the sponanious dancers were drunk-high-crazy . . .

why do we drink at dinner?

to ease conversation? have we become so individualized and emotionally segregated that the only way to open up to someone, to feel at ease is with the use of a drug? When one drinks at dinner usually it is not to the level of extream drukenness. It does not take away all inihibitions. People at dinner drinking wine or beer rarely do things that they would regreat the next day, or that will create another one of these drinking stories that magority of people in our culture carry with them. the alcohol consumtion at dinner is said to relax you, to compliment the meal, to entertain. even though it does not reach the levels of the drukenness one sees on the streets after closing hours. It does have the effect of relaxing inhibitions. why do we have such inhibitions to talk to people who we enjoy over a meal.

this is all coming from someone who does enjoy having wine with dinner, who does go danicng and drinks, who does go out for a pint or a picher with a friend and talk for hours. But I also enjoy going out and talking for hours over tea. to have water with dinner and dance with only natural endorphins giving me a high.

I question my own intake of alcohol, and I question the culture that encourages the citizens to forget themselves in drink. I have heard people say that they enjoy the relax activist community here in ireland because things get organized in a relazed atmisphere in the pub. I understnad what they are saying, the enviroment does allow for the free flowing of ideas, with out the stagnation of white institutional walls. could that same relaxtion happen with tea? I think it could . . . because although the ideas are free flowing and people are relaxed I wonder to the extent that things get done after such organizing. I have a hard time talking someone at there word when they make statements or promises while drinking.

I remember back to the women and war conference where 10 of us or so went out for tea after the talk. I think it was great and really important that we stayed together and chatted. That we discussed the lecture and shared our ideas, and I thought it was brillant that we all got tea and juice. The waiter probably wasn't to happy with us- we shared two plates of fries between the 10 and only got tea and juice, when he say us coming he probably assumed that he was going to get a huge tip. but the point is there was no alcohol and we still had that sence of community.

I also remember last newyears in chicago (much better then the new years before in newyork where I know we had a good time but don't remember to much more than that) where I was with marike and we went to this straight edge party. not everyone was straight edge I would say probably a third of the people. An dI did have something to drink - but only one glass of champaign at midnight. But I had a great time playing cheraids. I can't imagine doing that here. Actually we palyed cheraides with the LGB society- but it was shots and cheraides and before each time you acted out you took a shot. It was great fun. Yet the underlining idea was that one could not act silly infront of a group of people with out the help of alcohol.

I became fasinated with the straight edge culture three years ago when I started meeting straight edge kids who stopped drink not because they thought they had a problem with alcohol but rather they just say problems with alcohol. I have never even contimplated being straight edge, I mean it is linking with a certain culture that I am not part of first of all. and secodly even though I question my intake of alcohol and the socially consturcted reasons for drinking I cna't see myself having strong enoght arguements to convice myself NEVER to drink again. I don't think that drinking itself is inheritly bad or wrong. just as I don't think doing drugs is wrong - the social constuction of acceptable drugs and unaccepable drugs is another story. But I do get into the "weed vs alcohol" debate on many occations looking at the hard the alcohol brings to our society vs the harm that weed does. I think there is a really strong arument for alcohol being much worse for the physiall health of the individual, the emotional health of the individual and their family adn friends and the ammount of fights and violence that comes from alcohol. Espeically compaired to the effects of weed - but like I said that is another day.

I feel one reason that I would not give up alcohol is that I would become very hard on myself. Creating too many rules that I must follow in order to be a "good" person. I already am hard enough on myself and have to constantly be reminding myslef that it is ok just to be me and live lifely as freely as possible. Even though I have very strong view on the veganism thing, I do see how I am constantly controling myself. Even thought I believe truely that it is for the best. I do releaze the connections between controling food and being a women and the ideal body etc. I have always been agianst dieting and I dont' see the veganism associated with dieting at all. But I still am aware of self regulation . . .

I seem to be moving far away from my original point but really what do you expect from me, when I start my rants they are not preplanned they just happen. they begin with one thought and flourish often into something compleatley different.

as for the spelling and grammer that occure during these rants, I say fuck it, I have to be careful and concoius about those things in so many other aspects of my life, I feel that the point of rants is to get the general guist of it, which is possible with the mistakes through out it. It is not to analysis each and every sentence to see if it is logically sound or gramatically correct. So again I say I hope you understood what I was saying and if not, Im sorry but this is suppose to be for me anyways and doing a spell check would just ruin the whole sponaniety of it . . .

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

"Thirty-one states allow all qualified citizens to carry concealed weapons. In those states, homosexuals should embark on organized efforts to become comfortable with guns, learn to use them safely and carry them. They should set up Pink Pistols task forces, sponsor shooting courses and help homosexuals get licensed to carry. And they should do it in a way that gets as much publicity as possible. "

holly shit you guys need to check out this site . . .pink pistols

I was about to write this whole long post about how I extreamly dislike bio boyes socialized in this sexsist homophobic society that have not onced questioned their priviledge. (note I am not a man hating dyke, I'm very specific with who I dislike!!) but instead of going into all of that I was distracted by a letter addressed to me, with the return name and adress of my cousins baby. Yes I realize the 5 month old did not write me the letter, but it was a cute touch allong with the winnie the poo stickers on the envelope. My cousin or rather her baby sent me photos, ohh soo cute.

I really wish I could there helping Claire out with Elise, I think its my one regreat. I mean I miss my friends and the rest of my family, but we are all big kids now, we can take care of ourselves and I know that our relationships will be maintained through distance. But Elise, I only got to spend 2 months with her, I really would like to see her do all her "firsts". I want to take on the aunt role, plus I really want to help claire out. She is my age and has a child, she needs all the support she can get. When I was in TO we lived around the corner from each other just a moments walk away. I spent allot of time with her during her pregnacy and the first two months of Elises life. I know that I was a huge support system for Clare, both as someone who is willing to do her dishes, change elises diper etc but also as a social support of someone to talk to. It is abandoning that role that I feel bad about hense my one and only regreat about leaving TO for Dublin. Oh the baby is so cute!!!

When I was in Paris (I know I know shut up already about paris) but I bought elise this cute brwon hoodie, and I bought Claire this baby book. You know those once where you fill in the fmaily tree and record all the details of the babies first few years. Well I got the cutest one of those, in FRENCH!! Its really great, claire is speaks french fluently and I'm sure that she wants to teach elise french and what better way then to document her life in french.

ok back to the bitching - you knew that I couldn't leave it allone!!

ok I had to poster today for the second library sit-in and a protest against cutbacks in education funding with the IT guy on exec. grrr I already don't like the guy from previous conversations that went something like this.

him: ok I understand that the sue me screw me poster is offensive - but why are you making such a fuss and attacking all the societies
me: the sue me screw me poster was just the icing on the cake, there have been sexist posters from most of the societies since freshers week
him: NO there havn't (read you are a women so I will not even take anything you say seriously)
me: (list the long list of posters that I found offensive saying they have sexist)
him: Those are not sexist (read my only deffinition of sexism is blantant discrimination based on sex such as you can't get this job becuase you are a women and women should be in the home cooking, cleaning and having babies)
me: these posters have detrimental effects on women - body image, self esteem etc. I'm not just making this stuff up there are many studies done to prove this and huge amounts of discourse around the issue of images, representation women and there effectrs.
him: send me there link
me: the feminist link?
him: yeah send me the link . . . I have to run

our relationship has been set, there is little he could do now to make me like him, and it gets worse, he is incharge of the games society. Ready and a few other people caught him tearing down a union poster that was covering a gaming poster. As an executive union member this is a big no no. There was a motion to ask him to resign last council meeting, not only for th eposter thing, but also becuase he hasn't done anything yet. the rest of us have office hours except for him, he hasn't created the web site or email list like he is suppose to. And so on. The point of this is to demenstrate more how the two of us will not get allong, since ready is the one who put up the motion and ready and I are together, this continues the bad air between us.

anyways we got stuck doing posters together. he acted in such a typical male way that I could only laugh at his stupidity. For example we ran into another pair doing posters, they had run out of one them so we went to hand them some, I grabed a bunch to give them but MR.IT decided that wasn't the right amount we should give them 1 more, thats right he stopped the process of me making the desition of how mnay posters to give them a grand total of 1 more.

as we walked around he told me his theories of pro-business and fuck the enviroment, expaining that the enviroment is here for us to use (abuse). This all came up becuase there was garbage all over the science building - he didn't see this as an enviromental issue or an issue of disrepect, he say it as mans (note the male is used to say men and women) right to use the environment and that it was someone elses job to clean it up.

he continously told me his options without listening to me or if I did get a word in his typical reponce was NO.

he decided where they all were to go, if I put one up, he would move it an inch or so in any direction, anything to take the control and power in the situation.

at one point when I had droped a poster becuase he requested me to hold two at the same time with one hand, when I dropped it he jokingly called me week, then I jokingly told him to fuck off.

When ever he tried to cover the social worker party posters I made a fuss, even though I don't agree with the party politics persay, I would rather have there posters around then have people like MR.IT taking over.

our postering section continued much like this, we even had another talk about the poster, where I tried to explain how language was powerful and the combination of the pictures and the quotes is what is in question.

his arguements were as follows,
1) women find the female form much more appealing then men find the male form, so it would make sence that you would have a women on the poster isnce a majority of the people will appriciate it.
2)humans are sexual beings, the perpose of our existance is to reproduce, and therefore images of women should be displayed as sexual objects.
3) the poster that says become a player with apicture of a half anked women on it is a form of equality since it really says that women can be players aswell, it is an empowering display of female sexuality
4)the point of advertising is to catch your eye and play with words, therefore these posters are excellent

come on how does one argue with logic like that, yes MR. IT you are right these posters are empowering, right and the point of advertising is to be sexist. and since we are sexual being it only makes sence to dispaly the female sex in sexual ways to grab the attention of those who naturally want to procreate. right . . .

lets just say that I was estatic when we finished our hour session of postering!!

Monday, November 24, 2003

ghosts or am I lossing my head

today when I left for work I didn't take my mobile, this is only slightly odd, I mean I usually take it with me but I don't really need it so its not a big deal. At work as usuall I ocme up with detailed plan of what I'm going to do during my lunch. Teh thing is I have 30 mins, 12 mins of that is taken walking home and back to work, so I don't have time to figure out what I'm eating and what I'm doing while I'm at home. So today I realized I had to phone this women from the library so I would have peanut butter sandwiches to save time on cooking and eating so I could phone her. But I couldn't find my phone. It was extreamly odd since my room is sparkling clean and the last time I used the phone was last night when I got a call when I was already in bed. I can't be far . . .so I look under the bed, beside the bed on my desk, and bed side table, I take off the sheets and put them back on. I go online and send myself a text message. But no such luck, it is no where to be found. I go back to work very confused.

after work I come back with fresh eyes, I pad down my pillow look inside the bag beside by bed, remake my bed. And turn to my computer to send myself another text in hopes that I will hear the vibrations, maybe it took a while to go through last time and I already left before it went off. Before I do this I turn around randomly and look at my freshly made bed, right infront of me sitting perfectly is my phone.

I can't understand how it got there and how I didn't see it before, the thing is I through my sheets up in the air several times, so even if it was on my bed before, it wouldn't be sitting neatly on the edge right in the center. I can't really explain the situation at all, but it did give me the creepy jeepies :)

Sunday, November 23, 2003

I love pirates - they're anarcists

its my roommates b-day on Wed, her mother sent her this b-day package which included a getto fabulous track suit, snicker bars and twinkies. It may have included other things but that all that stuck in my memory. She said that she was getting a crazy suger rush from eating all the twinkies and nothing else. So of course I had to bring up the Twinky Defence. For those who don't know back in 79 there was this case where this guy in sanfransico killed the major and harvey milk he used the infamous twinky defence to say that he had to much junk food in his system as a result of eating too many twinkies and drinking coke. His senstance was reduced to manslaughter and only served 7 years and 8 months for both of the murders. So we know it is horrible but the two of us we rorring laughing as we read online the details of the case. As she sat there with a bottle of coke in front of her and many a twinky in her system we contemplated what she coudl get away with while in this state.

this is just one of the many things I did today to procrastinate doing actuall work, and very soon I will be doing one more procrastination measure. I'm about to watch amelie. I have seen it before but it will be in a new light now that I have been to paris, and stayed in the area that it is based in. oh if only melissa was here we could fall into the dream world together, not only is melissa in love with the movie (we saw it together and shortly afterwards she got the hair cut) she is more madly inlove with paris then I am. I just reread a bunch of old post cards, I got this one from melissa in paris saying:
Paris is the most beautiful city in the entire world ( I would have to agree- not that I have seen every city in the entire world but out of the cities I have seen including london, rome, etc it is the best)
one day I will live here (I feel the same but I would have to seriously work on my french)
the food is fantstic (well the food in the jewish neighbourhood was and the couscous is great but there is meat almost everywhere else)
you can hear just about every language and the metro takes you everywhere(its true the diveristy was refreshing and the metro even put the underground to shame imagine what it does to TO's subways self esteem!)
also while the champs Elysees is certainly commercialized (and by that I actually mean amercianized since its hard to commercialize a road devoted to shopping) there's only one GAPO and there's not starbucks in the entire city (did you hear that no starbucks and only the one gap - TO has allot to learn, paris is all about the small shops and cafes, non of these huge box depot stores that we seem to be so proud of, and each cafe is unique not a replica of the one across the street).

thanks melissa for contributing to this post!

as for the title of this post, its a comment that ready said this morning, I thought it was great espeically since mairke said a similar thing less then a week ago. I have got to a point in my life with the friends that I have that comments like this are said on a regular basis.

ok back to foucault (another french thing- I really am going through a phase right now)