not a pretty girl

a new person with each new experience

Saturday, April 17, 2004

I found a new way of dealing with today; I started with writing one airy fairy poem and listened to 2 ½ girl and guitar songs. Then I realized what I need to do was listen to grrl punk music. I turned on The Need, The Haggard and of course Bikini Kill. I looked into going to lady fest in Vienna since it is only a week before Marikes born in flames festival. I changed the wallpaper on my desktop to this great one of tank girl stitching up her own arm. I’m going to finally go swimming today then to clares for vegan food and ice cream, a movie and sleep over.

ok before I start I have to rant about the credit card I got in the mail, I ordered a student credit card so I could order flight tickets online and so on. i came today and I only put in my application two days ago, I suppose beuracracy and the postal service work very well when it comes to giving credit cards to people without jobs. You would think that their plan would be for you to go into debt now so they can make a fortune off you and then when you get your big fancy job you will beable to pay it back and be already in the habit of buy things on the card so you will continue your pattern of debt. They made two mistakes, I'm in equality studies and will never have that big fancy job and secondly the design of the card is such that I will never use it in public. The card has various people from various ethinicities who are all making funny faces. Like the blond girl crossing her eyes, the asian boy scrunching up his face with his hands, and then the best one, a maori looking guy with facial tattoos sticking out his tounge. fuck that is going to have to be hidden, what were they thinking?

today was the last day of classes, on wednesday night it was decided that a reclaim the campus was going to be organized for today. We were to meet by the lake at noon, so this morning I woke up dehydrated from the drinks I had the night before and thinking damn I really should be studying but I should show up to this party. Show up eh, interesting idea, I left it at nine thirty and it was still going strong. Ran into a few people on my way home from james at two and they said ten people were still there.

maddness I tell you - It would be hard to sum up the day with any one phrase since after the party i went out for chipper food with james and we broke up, well no he broke up with me. It was a simply said in causal conversation as "can't finish my burger, oh ya, I think we should break up." Teh next few hours I was mainly in shock, I went through a really sad moment, and indifferent moment, an angry moment, a disappointed moment, a moment of self depricating thoughts, and ended up biking home in a slow latharic kind of way.

Side track cuz I don't want to dealve at this moment. the party was great, there were reclaim the campus banners, music, dancing, chilln', smoking, drinking, laughing, piggy back fights, skipping, tree climbing, poy with and without fire, a bond fire, a guy breathing fire, tickle fights, people jumping and being trown into the lake, mooning from local kids, free drink from a labour confrence, guitars and sign alongs, political chatter, nonsense chatter, peeing in forests, and general roudy good times.

I got a few photos I will see about putting them up once I recharge my battery.

ugg relationships, I think I need a break, I know I just started to see this new women, but we have only gone out twice, I think I might have to say to her that I can't do this right now. There is no way that I can be completely into it when I am dealing with the break up. I think I will need some space, she could so easy go from new interesting person to rebound. thats the last thing I need to do to someone.

The next few weeks will be wierd, and perhaps even wierder after the stress of exams and all that is over. I'm sure that after it is all over part of me with be really confused forgetting that james and I broke up and just thinking that we didn't see each other cuz of the exams. I really hope that we get to the friendship thing quickly. He did apply for equality studies next year and a job in the union. he said he applied to do it part time so there will be a high chance that he won't be taking the same courses that I will - but then again it would be interesting to have him in my classes but thats for another day. The point is that its not like he is gone from my life now that it is over he will be part of my daily existance (ok maybe jsut weekly) next year.

I pinkie swore that I would not hate him - which when he said it I wanted to punch a whole in a wall, it reminded me of this song by skarlet o'hara that I listen to the other day (for the first time in about a year-forshadowing?) It is a break up song and the girl says to the singer, I bet you hate me now, I met you never want to see me again and the signer replies that would be good for you, good for you but what about me. When he asked if I would pinking swear not to hate him I was thinking (this is when I went into my mad moment) yeah that would be great for you -you get off with feeling less quitly and I walk away not only hur tbut promising not to hate the root of the pain. But after I to him I felt angery it seemed to leave my system. Realized what I knew all along that this is for the best - that it sucks big time, that it is extremely painful that I will be sad and miss him like hell but really I can't possibly hate him.
I can bearly be mad at him at all, the thing is when things are good with us we connect really well, but since the initally break up scare there have been periods with both of us where you can see that doubt is in our minds and when the doubt is there we were not good to each other which would make this perpetual situation of half connections.
that is no way to have a relationship. And the best way to end this pattern (which saddly I thought was over, I thought that we had gotten past that and things were good and looking up, I have developed a new sense of confidence in the relationship and was feeling like I had fallen for him all over again but there you go my ignorance of human behaviour shines through) is to break up with the person. It all makes sense in this abstract rational way, if you are not the two people involved.

I know it is all for the best and I think it will help my self esteem since I will stop wondering how come other people seem to give me a chance see good things in me, enjoy my company but my boyfriend doesn't. I told him that it is painful to think that the one person who knows you the best doesn't want to be with you anymore. I suppose that is a big part of the pain for all relationships. He asked me if anyone had broken up with me before, although yes I have. They were only in odd situations like drew(sk) via email and our relationship was odd to begin with intence passion and desire with long bouts of absence and silence . . . but in terms of an everyday local relationship I have always been the one to break up with the person.

god it hurts - and to everyone I have done it to, fuck i hope the pain was not that bad, somepeople were just bad for me and had to go but others were wonderful people, it was just not working - damn it I'm sorry.

I was just thinking the break up was so timely. I say james for the first time at the first student union meeting I went to. we talked for the first time outside this pub with many of the same people were out today danicng and singing with a similar enviroment as today. Adn we got together at the training at the begging of term for the student union. And not we break up on the last day of term. It was like it wasn't real at all, it was a accidemic year and studnet activism year relationship. We never had a summer or a time when we were not part of each others everyday existance. Tomorrow would be the first day that we were outside of that world and "we" and "us" no longer exists.

looking for the perfect break up song is never quite satisfying -other expereinces are only partially what you want to say but of course you can never go to wrong with ani . . I first choose both hands but then was sucked in with diate

Ani Difranco - Dilate Lyrics
life used to be life-like
now it's more like showbiz
i wake up in the night
and i don't know where the bathroom is
and i don't know what town i'm in
or what sky i am under
and i wake up in the darkness and i
don't have the will anymore to wonder
everyone has a skeleton
and a closet to keep it in
and your mine
every song has a you
a you that the singer sings to
and you're it this time
baby, you're it this time

when i need to wipe my face
i use the back of my hand
and i like to take up space
just because i can
and i use my dress
to wipe up my drink
i care less and less
what people think
and you are so lame
you always dissapoint me
it's kind of like our running joke
but it's really not funny
and i just want you to live up to
the image of you i create
i see you and i'm so unsatisfied
i see you and i dialate

so i'll walk the plank
and i'll jump with a smile
if i'm gonna go down
i'm gonna do it with style
and you won't see me surrender
you won't hear me confess
'cuz you've left me with nothing
but i've worked with less
and i learn every room long enough
to make it to the door
and then i hear it click shut behind me
and every key works differently
i forget everytime
and forgetting defines me
that's what defines me

when i say you sucked my brain out
the english translation
is i am in love with you
and it is no fun
but i don't use words like love
'cuz works like that don't matter
but don't look so offended
you know, you should be flattered
and i wake up in the night
in some big hotel bed
and my hands grope for the light
and my hands grope for my head
the world is my oyster
the road is my home
and i know that i'm better
off alone

after pasting this I put in that skarlet ohara song to hear that line that I was reminded of with mention of the pinkie swear . . .one of the first lines is about says "I took dilate out of my cd player", I suppose when they broke up the singer used ani and this specific song to sit in sorrow with. of course untouchable face is on that cd and can't think of the others but I'm sure there are many more angry break up songs. here is skarlet ohara song, Its a bit self centred, I think the title is "what about me" thats not the direction that I'm feeling but for the two refernces here it is:

Today you know what you want to do,
come tomorrow you mind will be on something new,
you were just the way I pictured you to be
you did just the thing I expected you to be
I took dilate out of my cd player, I guess that’s a good sign
But there a still some questions that are left unanswered that echo in my mind
What about me what about me, where do I fit what about me
You seem like the person that doesn’t finish what they begin
What about me what about me, what am I suppose to do
How about me how about me getting used by you

The going get tuff and the tuff get going so do you
You just pack up you bag, cut your losses and ride some where new
Start again leave it all behind
There was no past with us, no future in your mind

You said I don’t know how you are feeling right now, if you hate me never want to speak to me again, well
That would be great for you, great for you since you’re the one, you’re the one, but
What about me what about me, where do I fit what about me
You seem like the person that doesn’t finish what they begin
What about me what about me, what am I suppose to do
How about me how about me getting over you

and here is the song that I wish I could be singing right now, by doria roberts

Let’s take a picture now
I do not want to forget
The way you look at me when everything is perfect
A perfect memory of when things are so good
And everything has worked out just the way we knew it would

I bought a picture frame
I made room on the wall
I hold you close to my chest
Because I’ve made room in my heart
You ask me what I’m doing
I say displaying our love
I can see you when I’m awake and you’re the one I’m dreaming of

I love the sun when it shines
I love the sky when it’s blue
I love the color green
Because it reminds me of you
I’ve been thinking about you all night
A warm bed and a cozy fire
You put you arms around me and lift my head
And then you kiss me…

Friday, April 16, 2004

Ok are you ready for the line up at the outdoor two day weekend camping gig . . .
Basment Jaxx
Black Eyed Peas
Chemical Brothers
David Bowie
Franz Ferdinand
Kings Of Leon
Massive Attack
PJ Harvey
Snow Patrol
The Cure
The Darkness
The Libertines
The Strokes
Wu-Tang Clan

how can they be serious, wu-tang and the cure, pj harvey and massive attack, the stroke and david bowie, muse and basement jaxx, chemical brothers and the darkness!!! this seems unreal, its true the prices are also unreal 130 euros for the two days and camping, but might it be worth it?
I first want to say that although I cleaned the microwave after the quorn incident, the smell still permiates the inside and I get a woof of it each time I open the door. I told death today (on our second date) that I'm poly, and got the best responce one could hope for. First she asked what that was, and when I explained she smiled said that she has never heard the term before and now she had a new label for herself!!! you can't really ask for a better responce then that.
had a great time with her, I met a few of her friends, who were lovely and chatted endlessly with her at the bar. My second biggest uncertainity with her, other then the poly thing was that she seemed so trendy, she is always wearing stilittos. I mean it these thin high heals. The other day it was red leather ones with metal heals, today they were pointy black and shiney. Well besides the insanity of the heals -she does not spend allot on them!!! this might seem to be a silly thing to worry about, but when you are someone who only buys used clothes it can make you feel uncomfortable if you are sitting next to someone who spent hundreds just on there shoes. But allas we had this whole long chat about money and clothes. I would not snub someone for there style, cuz lord knows that I am not one to judge, but if someone is willing like the drycleaners crowd to spend a fortune on assessories that would be conflictual with my philosophies.
I decided to come home after tea at her house and a great alterting kiss. I get this thing, when I care little about the future of the relationship and I'm drunk I will go home with someone especially after a great kiss like that. But with her we have started off slowly and there is no reason for me to jump into something that will complicate my life so. I'm sure that I will see her again soon, oh do I look forward to it.

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

comments not working so I will write my comment here: mud the email it self does not make him sexist, he just is all the time, I wrote about him before, he is the one who grunts when attractive women are on tv, the one that had this girl over that was making him dinner, after dinner he didnt' offer to help clean up so she did the dishes as he watched porn in the other room. I see her around campus all the time now, she told me one day that he is most sexist person she has ever met, the girl see was sitting with agreed. The only reason she made him dinner was since he helped her with an interview, but hte whole time he perved on her and was condisending. His msn name now is Victoria Secret Show Cancelled!! how can they
Here is an example of the emails my sexist flat mate writes to us, pay special attention to the section on food - it is this level of condinsendment that drives me mad . . . my nice flat mate, Anne (who is saddly never here) told me today that when she was home for a month we wrote her a text saying that everyone was waiting for her to put in her electricity card, then when she texted back saying that she put money in before she left, was she not at par with everyone - he text back saying if she needed a loan he could give her one to pay her share. ohhhhh, we don't like him!

Hi guys,

Hope you had a good break.

Now that exams are looming for all or most of us
I think it is especially important that we make
an effort to keep the place ticking over smoothly
and tidily. The last thing you want when you are
studying is to come home to a mess.

It was all going very well and thanks to Anne who
put a lot of effort in. Then it just went ot shit
before Easter. Tobie cleaned the place over the
weekend and I mopped as soon as we the mop

There is only a few weeks left so please make an
effort. It's not rocket science, just common
sense, manners and consideration.

Also can you please make ure that your food isnt
rotting in the fridge or elsewhere!!! There are
guidlines on most packaging and its normally in
relatively simple English. If you have any
problems please ask.

I know these emails are boring and tiring but
mostly for me cos i have to write them aswell.

Good luck in your exams.

the sexist asshole

Monday, April 12, 2004

blab away

Today I chatted on the phone with sal, sean, clare, my mom and my aunt. Even though sal called me, adn both my aunt and mom phoned me right back, I will used up the 20 euro phone credit I bought earlier today. Mainly it was the long conversation I had with sean. I love that guy, I will dedicate this post to him and his post-ironic irony. He is moving to london on the third and has a gig on the 13th, which I plan on going to. After talking to him I put his stage name nwodtlem in google to see what came up. It kept me laughing for ages. He has this record label call "Heres my card records" each cd is the size of a business card, the music is all speedcore and such jazz so each song only last 30 secs or so and you only get a few songs on each cd. I went to his site for nwodlthem and heres my card records, I will lift up your day with a few quotes from these sites.

Here's My Card Records is back again with another dismal failure.

This time combining Canadian health advertisments with breakcore. Thus limiting the appeal of the release to a handful of people, i.e. Canadians that actually know what is breakcore. Others may be able to appreciate the music but to trully understand the inner essence of this release you need to be Canadian. On top of that most do not get our brand of post-irony ironic humour, either by approaching music from a more serious angle or simply lacking a well developed sense of humour.

If you go to the product section of the Here's my card records page and go down to the bottom, the second record you can see a great pic of my dad "dadcore all the way"

ok now for some more of seans humour, it cracks me up . . .

Here's My Card Records brings you the second installment in the Softkore Series. An event so devoid of enthusiasm, that in of itself, it becomes somewhat of a marketing gimmick: A culmination of depression, stress and overwhelming pessimistic tears of failed IDM beats streaming down our faces.

Softkore 2 personifies the "last ditch effort", before a long descent into the depths of unrepentant bitterness into the pit of sorrow and despair. Softkore 2 is more of an acceptance of defeat; Defeat of any sort of hope or ideals that one may have had at one time or another. The ultimate understanding of the predictable nature of human behavior; Anger and frustration associated with such a reality, rise to the eventual plateau, drifting into the horizon of apathy and disinterest.

Softkore 2 is the by-product of the descent into an all encompassing sorrow. Devoid of any happiness that which mere hugs and self-appreciating support, that could maybe at one point in time sustain our self-worth , can now no longer offer its vitality-increasing love potion of thick enthusiastic smiles of overpowering glee. Glee that seems to have been, ages ago, a sign of comfort. Glee, ever so distant in the mind's eye , that one could believe it was only a dream, a child's fantasy, a mirage that fools the minds of thristy men lost forever in the desert of doom. Doom is now our scene of anguish and rejection.

Deep down in the cave of sorrow, far beneath the surface of common society, Softkore lurks within the cold depressing air of the knowledge that just a few levels above the cave, past the ogres and goblins, beyond the evil dark Wizard’s lair, there lies the unreachable destination of acceptance and the light of support. Support and acceptance that so many others seem to have taken for granted, and yet it lies far out of reach of the few of us that fall under the dark, torn umbrella, of Softkore.

what a way to sell your self and now for seans bio


Nwodtlem jumped out from behind a curtain, tripped over items scattered around his set and sang the song he composed, "Who’s always smiling, never sad? It’s Nwodtlem!" He tried tricks that usually fizzled and then introduced cartoon films. Kids were invited to the show to be dressed in clown costumes and join the singing and dancing. Nearly every kid in town knew the Nwodtlem song “get crackin’” and many of today’s baby boomers can sing all of the verses.

what a crazy kid, its no wonder I miss him so!

ok thats it for now . . . watch out for the grogs, nwodthlem, and here's my card records, cuz you don't look hard for them you will never see them!!

Sunday, April 11, 2004

Will the smoke ever go away?

today on easter sunday I was having a lazy day, one of those days where seventies tv shows, books, internet, music and curling up fills your day. I thought I might even do some cleaning and laundry, perhaps pick up a few groceries. Around one oclock I thought I would be ultra lazy and microwave this veggie burger so I coudl have a quick yummy protein kick. I put it in the microwave and got caught into the soap lives fair city, the dub soap opera. Smelling something funny I ran into the kitchen to see smoke bellowing out of the microwave. ahh, I turned on the stove fan, opened the microwave and opened a window all in one quick swoop. The smoke immediatly filled the whole room and I waved through it to pull out the burnt burger. The centre was charcol . . . smoke was steaming right from the centre of it, I through it in the sink and turned on the water. Opened the other windows in the kitchen and living room and waved a towel around. This seemed to make it worse since the smoke detector suddenly went off . . . After dealing with that I took out the garbage and headed to the store, the whole time there I could smell the smoke on me. I hoped that the smoke would be gone when I got back. It really was the strangest thing, seeing this burger turn into charcol. It was a quorn burger, I got it for the first time yesterday, it has milk and egg products in it so I had never tried it before. I had it in the pita bread with hot sauce and mushrooms yesterday and it was delicious. My after this experience I have to wonder what is really in this stuff. The web site makes it sound like it is all wonderful, it doesn't mention anywhere that it will spontaniously combust if you put it in the microwave. I know that the microwave was not one of the recommended heating instructions but fuck I figured everything that you could fry or grill could go inthe microwave - you expect it not to be as good, not to be crispy but you figure it will just be a fast way of dealing with hunger.

When I came back from the store I was alread able to smell the smoke from the stairwell (I'm on the third floor). I don't even want to go to the kitchen, even though I had every intention to wash the floor the smell is a bit much right now. I think only one of my flat mates is here, he didnt' come out when the smoke mayham started so maybe he already left . . . so its just me and the smoke. DON'T TRUST QUORN PRODUCTS!!!