not a pretty girl

a new person with each new experience

Saturday, September 27, 2003


So the other day as I was feeling sick :( I sat in the kitchen chating, (actually listen cuz I had lost my voice) with two of my roommates, I had left the conversation earlier cuz they had been talking about cars and money and I had little to add . . . and when I came back the conversation and swiched to religon. It was now more of a monologue of one of my roommates. this one has not really hung out much so I don't know her aswell. She started off asking why people were not more religious in ireland. WAIT A MIN . . . DID I MISS SOMETHING . .. but she filled us in, she ment that the youth here didn't go to church and were not part of the religious community. John and I echoed each other with stories of disenchanted with organized religon and catholisism in our youth. She said that she understands that type of rebellion but feels that we took the negative route instead of the route she took which was to create a more lively energtic church community. She went on to talk about the her fellowship with god and so on. I again talked briefly about problems with organized religon as a whole and the possibility of being a spiritual person with out going to church on sundays. It ended with her saying that each person can choice there own way fo relating to god BUT they need to ask if its the right way. In other words, to be cristian is the only way to be and everyone esle needs to be saved . . . fuck I'm scared of my roommate. Because she hasn't hung out much, she dosnt' know I'm queer, I don't want to have to sit through another preaching session like the other day, especially if she is condemming me.

So I move on from the religon and worry about the movement. I thought I had found a good group of queer activist, but as bug and I sat at the community centre allone we realized that we were the only ones showing up and the girl with the supplies for the banner was actually out of town. so now what, we don't know where to find spray paint and other nessissities for this event, we don't want to pay for the room and everything by ourselves and neither of us really are artisiticly gifted . . . my disenchantment was only slight but still the disappointment stung. After chilln' at a anti-smoking free outdoor concert with a guy screaming rock while playing a twelve string aucustic gautar and a guy wearing a shirt that said pants, we went over to the film festivle cafe and chilled with a few queers. This one guy who is doing his Phd at UCD and has been there since the early 90's talked to me aobut his struggles to make the community active and his subsiquent failings. We talked about the Queer Diusscussion group that I am eager to go to and how they are just acidmemics and refuse to be political. adn the social group and how they also shy away from politics.

I walked away again only slightly disenchanted, my newness, eagerness and desire to create something will not be broken by a few tales of bitter souls. I continioulsy meet people who complain that the community is not political enough, so I figure if all of those people connect it coudl be possible to create an active group. Bug said ze would be willing to help me. I went home last night to find a postcard from sal. On the front was a pic of an ACT UP demenstration from 88, and he wrote " I figured you guys could use an inspiring image of queer activism asn you go about the queering of UCD." Never has a postcard been so right on the money, I needed that and do you know what it did inspire me.

Today I created a yahoo group called Irish Gender Queers, and I made a flyer for todays protest. Here is the copy of the flyer:
Irish Gender Queers
This group has been started to question gender, challenge binaries, create a safe space to explore trans and gender issues. It is open to all trans people, MtF, FtM, intersexed, gender queers, gender benders, gender fuckers, drag queens and kings, and their supporters.
Trans issues are so very important and we need to mobilise to make a difference. Trans issues effect everyone: lesbians, gay men, bisexuals, queers, straights, and all trans people. Once gender and sex binaries have been abolished, we will all be free to explore, express and perform the sex and gender we feel at home with at the time.

This group can be used to explore trans issues, create solidarity, mobilise for change and much more. Would you like to live in a society of transnormativity. Would you like to see the decriminalization of transpeople. Would you like to see the end of transphobia is all its manifestations. Would you like to see forms include more gender options. Would you like washrooms to not exclude. Would you like to have other pronouns embraced and so much more.
If you are interested in becoming involved contact us at:

085 147 6275

Its more exciting in its formatting (but not much more, I am new to this flyer making business)
I want to make posters and spread them around the bars, community centre and campus. Plus a few days ago I met up with this guy to talk about the irish social forum . . . he wants me to get invloved around queer issues, I'm thinking if it is ok with the people at the social forum . . . I will set up a bouth on trans issues. Hopefully it will get the word out and maybe just maybe people will want to get invloved. AHHH!!! I really hope that I can motivate people to get involved . . .

Friday, September 26, 2003

religon, grafetti and the movement

I'm not actually thinking about religon within the anti globalization movement, but that would be an interesting idea to press later. Actually they are two very different topics and experiences I have had in the past twenty four hours. Last night I went to the front lounge which is this queer trendy pub. It would be a cafe but people here tend to only go out for pints, so every place becomes a pub. I was meeting this girl there who had an art exhibit in the queer community centre of photography of protests in the states. We decided that we wanted a queer presence at the protest this weekend against the occupation of Americian troops in well almost everywhere!! There were only a few people at this meeting that I hadn't met in the past few weeks . . . just giving you an idea how small the community is. We are creating a banner tomorrow and trying to get a strong queer presence at the protest.

Today I went to social event with the queer group on campus. I mainly went to recruit people for the protest . . . the event was called shots and schereades. As I found out that means that you get into groups and there is a scherade compition. Before each person goes up to do there scherade they are given a shot . . .hense the name of the event. At first I was thinking that I needed to ditch ASAP, but my mission of recruiting was keeping me there. Then my buddy Joe and another guy from GR walked in . . .suddenly I didn't feel like this old queer kid crashing a frosher party. WE had a great time and my team made it to the finals!!! The best part next to standing on the stage and turning this socila evnet into political recruiting . . .was I had to join the society. They keep strict accounting of everyone, for funding and so on, so they actually give you a memeber ship card . . . so I am offically a card carrying queer!!!! I'm ready to start recruiting, if I get five I get a toaster oven . . . .hehehe

On the the graffetti, well this week on campus was froshers week and all the societies had there signs up trying to get people involved. Well the biggest groups on campus put up these extreamly sexist ads. They had a girl it the play boy outfit. They had a pic of madonna and Britney kissing saying get everything you want out of society. They had one that had huge cleavage and said get it off your chest. They had one with a girl with a blck block infront of her mouth saying women should be seen and not heard a debate on women's rights. And so on. I was so pissed. But I took action!! I bought a big black marker, and the other night went around and wrote stop sexist ads on a magority of them. Someone else was mad to, cuz there was this stensle that said "still objectifying women" spray painted on some of them. Most of those posters have been taken down, and there is a new set of ones with women in bikinis. last night coming back from the queer event I started tearing them down. ahhhh a girls work is never done.


Tuesday, September 23, 2003

A good pair of legs
I have been running with my roommates the past few weeks in the mornings . . .It has been getting easier and we have gotten faster . . . the first few days I was sore and stiff, but now I'm good to go after a run. yesterday it was just john and I and we ran through the rain and the wind . . . it was exillerating. But this morning it was a beautiful fall day, dry and cool, perfect running weather some would agrue. But today was the first day I couldn't get my head around the question WHY? Most none runners always ask that question, they say things like I run for the bus but thats it. The think is one I enjoying being in shape and running around. Those who know me from UofT know that I was frequently literally running from one place to the other. And those who know me from Siena also may recall my super power was running. But here is the clincher in the past when I use to run, there always was an answer to the why . . . for the compition. I had to keep running so I could run faster and win the race.

Now two things are holding me back- first of all I don't have a sport or compitition to keep me going, that is I don't have a goal for my running(being in space has never been much of a goal, I like to do things for their own sake not for being healthy). Secondly I think much of my running in the past, grade school and high school, was done to get attention (from the coach, family, school . . . ) to prove that I was good at something, worth peoples time. But I don't need to do that anymore. Its not that I am 100% sure of my self at all times, it just that I realize I have more to offer the world then a good pair of legs ;)

If I do join the mountaintearing team and/or the swim team and they have land training ie running I think I will keep it up . . . but as I stand today with out being involved with those teams I'm having a really hard time answering the question WHY?

Monday, September 22, 2003

swimmin wimmin and other misconceptions

Other other day at the poetry reading I picked up the queer mag and say that there was this group called swimmin wimmin - a queer women swim team. So me being a swimmer and loving to meet more queer women gives them a call and finds out where they practise. On Sunday I using a hand drawn map ventures to an area of dublin I have not yet been to and find were these women are. I get there a bit early, you know the drill when you don't want to be late, so you arrive way to early. Anyways I'm sitting there writing poetry (it was a crazy day of poetry for me, which I attribute to the previous night at the reading) and this women walks in, close to 40 full mullet. Teh one that is short spiky dyke hair and then long string country girl hair all together. I knew at that moment that I was in for an interesting not cute night. Well it was not a team at all, it was just a women only swimming hour. There I was swim swim flip and so on, while these middle age dykes swan head up breast stroke. After 20 mins I couldn't take it anymore, I sure was the odd one out and the point of this group was to feel connected. But the lifegaurd let me know that I could use the jacuzzi. It was sweet, me chilln' in a jacuzzi while the swimmin wimmin floated in the pool below. I was sitting there smiling remembering the last time I was in a jacuzzi. It was this past summer at the pussy palace, naked sitting next to other nake women . . . as if the room read my mind, I had a sudden urge to turn around and read the sign that said absolutly no nudity at any time . . .I suppose this is a big problem!!

Another big problem I noticed was a sign in the change room. It said don't leave your sheep skin jackets and other valuables in the change room, as we are not responsible . . . blah blah blah . . . do people really wear so much sheep skin that it needed to be mentioned above and beyond all other valuables.

well so much for the swimmin wimmin, I walked out as discreetly as possible . . . I today I email the UCD swim team, they don't have a pool on campus but if its not to far I might join . . . I am going to see about the mountainteering team. The have a climbing wall in the sports centre and the team goes on tons of great trips. It will be a great way to see the rest of ireland. And dude climbing is the best thing ever. A few years ago I went to this magic activism workshop, in one section they put us in pairs had us tell the other person one of our favorite things to do and why. Teh purpose was to work on our active listening skills, so who ever you are debating with feels like there options are being listen too, adn when they are all done, then go in with the perfect rebuttle. Anyways I talked about rock climbing, I think the guy I worked with talked about mountain biking. Even though I already loved mountain biking he was able to get me so very excited about going . .. I think I went both rock climbing and mountain biking in the following weeks of the workshop. I'm not sure if I did any magic activism though . . . .

Sunday, September 21, 2003

oh gender

yesterday I went out to this new girls night called kissed. I had seen posters for it, but was not confident about going on my own. Earlier in the evening I went to a poetry reading at the queer community centre and say some girls that I met a few days earlier with bug. We hung out at this queer bar for a bit with these other girls, one of which recognized me from the dry cleaners . . .funny thing is we were sitting there talking about being poor . . . and she was like yeah I know what you mean, but at the same time I know she is a regular at my work and pays tons of money to have her fancy new clothes cleaned . . . anyways . . .I think I am just bitter with her 'cause she was justifying irelands racism and was against the welfare system cause as she says it "it pays for women to have children". I was going to leave from that bar and head home, but got stopped by this aussi, how knew my accent was canandian and not american. He also thought I was 21 and said that I looked really good for my age (I dont really know how to take things like that - as if 25 is an old bag age, and the fact that I'm not filled with wrinkles is some accomplishment - - ) anyways due to our conversation I missed the last bus home, so why rush to take a cab, I mise well party a bit. So the two girls from the other night and myself headed off to kissed.

gender - - - well last night I was wearing guy dress pants, suspenders and my grey "paddy" hat. with my black sleater kinney t-shirt (the one that made regan think I want to be friends with that girl). So I'm at this club dancing and having a great time. And I keep getting looks from all these femmie girls. Ahh but not what I'm into. There are these two yes only two sexy butch girls in the club and I have my eyes on them. A few of the femmy girls come up to me and we chat for a bit . . .a get asked to dance, its all fun and flattering but I'm thinking damn this gender thing, girl you are wearing makeup and I just don't dig. So the first of the sexy butches comes up to me (yeah ) expect she is coming to introduce me to her shy femmie friend ( oh well ). Then the second of the sexy butches comes up to me, but her accent is so thick I don't understand a word she is saying. Partially it is due to the noise of the club, but she was saying soming about leaving a mark on her, and I couldn't tell if she said that I spilt beer on her, or if I had rubbed against her and she could still feel it. Either way I apologized and walked away . . .

all in all it was a good night and this girl recognized my shirt, she also is a huge sleater kinney fan and we exchanged numbers so we can go out for coffee some time. Aparently not to many people are into that here. Since its the trendy thing back in TO its refreshing to meet a real fan . . .