not a pretty girl

a new person with each new experience

Monday, January 05, 2004


I was just reading a friends blog about how her and her girlfriend are thinking about having a baby. They are looking at the possibility of placing of the girls eggs into the others body. I do think this is the lesbian way for the future, one women carries the baby and the other one provides the egg. you still need sperm of course but it seems there is an over abundance of that stuff ;) It made me think back to my last few interesting months of baby thoughts. It all started in Paris, I was having baby dreams the whole time. In paris I heard you are suppose to fall in love. But no I the grrl who even as a child didn't want to be a mother was suddenly having images of motherhood and the joys of it all. I spent a good deal of mental energy finding the perfect baby gift for my cousin and dreaming of buying all the cuteness for my own child. I supposed it had something to do with being in a new stage of my life, being 25, and being around my cousin during her pregnacy and few months of her new born.

Strangely enough during the whole pro-choice fight on campus, I started to think more how I would actually want a child. silly pro-lifers they all think having the choice means "killing" our babies. I just want control over my body and and reproduction.

Well all those dreams were distroyed with a dash of reality. PREGNANCY SCARE!! wow it was not fun. sleeping with a boy really changes the responsibilties of sex. I have been spoiled falling for girls these past four years, with only a few intermitant boys to break it up. But this constant sex with a boy thing really changes all perspectives. The thing is I was always sure that I couldn't get pregnant adn being diagnosed with PCOD, reinforced that. But here in Dublin I am living with 3 other women. And what they say is true, the hormones flying around really cause your periods to synranise themselves. SO I had been getting my perios frequenlty, so the possiblity of getting pregnant was suddenly there.

I even had mud bring over 'the keeper' since some how in my travels I lost mine. Well she brought over 'the diva' instead which is suppose to be even better. but my period never came. after a passing joke from mud about me sleeping with a boy and being pregnant I was forced to deal with the reality that yes indead I might be pregnant. That we were not as careful as we should have been one time and made a mistake. that I hadn't got my period and didn't really have a cycle so didn't know when I should be expecting it.

The diva become the embodiment of wishful thinking. As we left for our adventures I left it behind convinced that I did not need such a thing. The next few days a bitch came out of me like no other I was moody, depressed, and out right PMSing with out realizing it. I had convinced myslef that yes indead I was pregnant. And how I realized I was not ready. I mean I don't want to have to raise a child allone, in a country I'm not a citizen of. I don't want to raise a child allone and give up my dreams of doing my masters and move back home. And to be realistic, even thought I may have fallen for this boy, he is young and I would not want to have to depend on him to help my raise a child.

so when three days after my moodiness I started to bleed I felt the need to celebrate, with a guiness of course. I texted readying in a drunken state in the middle of the night saying "I got my period, I'm not pregnant" . . . what a trip that must have been for him, I didn't even fill himin iwth the whole fear thing, cuz, I didn't know for sure, and we were in too different parts of the country. Leaving him worried and sitting there alone except for his family would really wreck his head.

so there you have it. im baby free and want to keep it that way for some time!!