not a pretty girl

a new person with each new experience

Friday, June 20, 2003

There's a bum in the back seat of my car

Last night we were chillin' at Tango's watching some old time drag queens do their thing, it was getting late past last call, and Chris said goodnight. We continued to dance and laugh till suddenly Chris came back in he said "I got a ticket and there is a bum in the back seat of my car!" Somehow we knew what to do, Regan and I ran out the door, I gave a brief glace to see if I could find Ellysa to explain our leaving, and had to hope she would understand . . . we got to Chris' jeep and yes there was a man passed out in the back seat of her car. We foudn out later that he must have got in from the truck that doesn¡¦t' lock. I got in from the front and started to shack him lightly, but he was passed out, quite comfortably might I add. Chris' mom has a cushion that she sits on while driving and this guy was using it as a pillow. Brian and Kevin who weren¡¦t as quick on the uptake showed up at that point and brian took over. We were all saying you got to get out, this is our car, we need to go sort of thing. Regan was like "were going to brampton, you got to get out". Brians methods were not a gentle but more effective, he started to bang him with the cushion saying you got to get out, you have five mins. After a little encouragement he sat up, mumbled something about this being his car and slowly slid out of the jeep.

I have to say, and I feel that I can speak for everyone who was there, that was one of the strangest things that has happened to us . . .I've never even heard anyone say that they founda homeless guy sleeping in the back seat of there car before.

The situation was crazy, scary, sad at the same time. Here is this guy drunk off his ass just wanting a place to sleep. He didn¡¦t' want to steal, he just wanted a comfy place to lie his head. We are just glad that chris say him before he started to drive. How scary would it have been if Chris had driven away and on his way home looked back and say this man. He would not have been able to deal with it on his own. We were able to work together and support each other. CRAZY I tell you . . .

Now that you are alumni GIVE US MONEY!!!

I have to say going in drag to convocation was one of the best ideas I have had in a long time, really the gender fuck kept me amused throughout the hours of otherwise boredom.

The highlights of the day included
---- knowing 10 people at the ceremony!!! (which might sound supper small --- but since we graduate with our college and not our program it was an impressive number)
---- the ceremony was under 2 hours, this can be attributed to SARS, since the chancellor and the principle were afraid of the undergrads, we were not allowed to shack there hands, instead we did a nod . . . this as ridiculous as it was saved us so much time!!
--- They called me tobie, when they announced my degree . . . earlier when we were getting ready, they had given us a card with our names, degrees and a number to keep us in order, I was number 146 . . . they said we could change our names to how we wanted it to be read, so I crossed out Heather and wrote in Tobie!! When they said Tobie Marven, Hons BA I was so trilled
--- I sat next to the classic underachiever who didn¡¦t care about anything, he was only there on the threat of death or losing of body parts from his family. We were able to make sarcastic comments the whole way through the line up and ceremony. Both of us went up and did the nod thing and got hooded at the same time. It was a bit of a gender fuck cuz I got announced as tobie and he got announced as sara . . is name is Saro, apparently this is a common mistake people make.
--- I nodded off during the mutual fund guys speech ¡V once again avoiding boredom---

Things that didn¡¦t surprise me but still piss me off:
----the mutual fund guy, who given an honorary degree was the fishing buddy of the principle of UC . . .It was so blatantly old money, old friends, the rich white male crew padding each other on the back for having money . . . it made me want to puke
---- the principle of UofT plugged the alumni thing so hardcore, he was like don¡¦t forget who provided this education for you, blah blah blah give us money blah blah blah . . . we asked three separate times to give money before we even had the chance to look at our degrees

wow you are looking really hot!

ok so this whole drag thing worked really well, I felt very comfortable and at ease the whole time. And I actually felt confused about which washroom to use hehehe . . .If I didn¡¦t have so much anxiety about being on stage I would totally want to be a drag king . . .its not like I wasn¡¦t already performing, it just the whole lip syncing thing and dancing around for 3 or more mins that puts me ill at ease.

I did the side burns my self and had regan help me with the goatee . . .a friend of mine who is a drag king was going to help me out, but she had to go to work, but she stopped by the bar after work to see the finished product. She was impressed. Actually everyone was impressed. Several drag kings come up to me and asked how I did hair, I was like well I saved off my bangs and glued it on my face!!!

The most common comment was WOW you look really hot! I have to contribute most of that to the snazzy suit that craig lent me. A three piece brown pint stripped suit that fit as fit it was tailored for me, and the perfect shoes and tie I found at by the pound. Not to mention the confidence I must have radiated from wearing that outfit and the cute boy white briefs ļ

I wanted to say thanks to everyone who came out yesterday and sunday . . .you guys rock . . . for last yesterday thanks to mellissa, sean and craig for flowers, angeli, ellyssa, and regan for drinks, brian for the candy necklace, kevin for shining my shoes . . .and everyone else that was part of the graduation celebrations. lots of love


So my cousin who was over nine months pregnant now has a baby girl, they induced her yesterday at 11am, she started to feel pain and contractions around 6pm and only after a few hours she gave birth to a 8pound 11oz baby girl. The time of birth is 10:45pm. I¡¦m trying to get a hold of her but her hospital line is busy. AHHH its so crazy, there is this whole person that is suddenly in all of our lives. Claire is suddenly a mother. It really blows my mind.

Thursday, June 19, 2003

So todays the day, the day I get my "reciept" as a co-worker said to me this morning. The day I am offically done my undergrad and can move on to bigger and better things, the day I go in drag to convication hall just to queerify the cerimony a bit ;) This is a day I never really thought would come, a day I'm sure many people in my life never thought would come. So you leave school (ie drop out) twice and they write you off . . . so little faith I tell you. I have the suit, the shoes, the tie and the boy underwear . .. I don't know why I didn't think about it before, boy underwear is so cute and super cheap! I feel like I am realdy for anything. Which is good considering the speaker I'm about to listen to. I'm graduating with University College, this college is home to programs such as Aboriginal Studies, Peace and Conflict Studies, and Sexual Diveristy Studies. They also have a program in Canadian Studies, this is the program their is this guy who runs AGF mutual funds, who has given money to UC for the Canadian Perpective of Economics or some bull shit like that, so they felt they need to repay his generosity by allowing him to speak at UC's graduation. The irony is the UC business students are graduating this morning with a different college. So it will only be us artsies there listening to this bullshit. Anyways I got to go put on my facial hair now . . .
lately I have been hearing stories about bikes getting stopped by cops. This one girl said that she got stopped by a cop after running a stop sign, she told him he was late to work and luckily he didn't give her a ticket. Damn do you know how many stop signs I run, for that matter how many red lights. Once my feet are clicked into my pettle I try at all costs not to stop. Last night cbyb and I say a motorcyle cop pull over a bike, the biker didnt' have one of the essential items ie. a front light, back light and bell. This cop was writing him a ticket . . .BASTERD I say . . . in the midst of a fantasy of stealing a cop's bike we both realized that we don't have any of the three essential items. So the combination of cops doing a bike checkign frenzy, running red lights and not having the essentials I realized htat I am fucked, the tickets for not have just 1 of these items is over $100 - - - I know that its for safety, but in cars it is essential that you wear your seat belt, SO every car is equiped with a full set of seat belts . . . I feel that bikers should be provided with these items. If at that point they still arn't usign them fine the biker --- they will learn their leason blah blah blah . . .

Wednesday, June 18, 2003

FUCK I just wrote a really long emotionally driven post about my day with sal, our talk about the future and my views on how I plan to live my life . . . WOW I can't believe it disappeared. maybe I will try again tomorrow, until then grrrr

Monday, June 16, 2003

Thank you for holding, your call is being kept in sequence and will be answered by the first opporator able to help you.

Yesterday, on one of the first things I have actually chewed on since the surgery, caused a crunch noise in my mouth. I looked at the touth that caused the noise and say a fault line. AHHH!!! It was rough to my tounge and caused me to say things like #*@%#@$!!!!! Much later that day the piece fell out. Although it did not expose the nerveyet I still felt all disjointed this was a part of me that just FELL OFF! First thing this morning I phoned the surgon who took out my wisdom touth and told them what happened, that fast talking secratary is trying to cover her bosses ass and kept saying how it was unrealted to the surgery and it could have happened from any number of reasons. Her list grew humourious, I had to stop her and say listen No I didn't bite on an apple or any of those other things, yesterday chewing on a grape still caused some dicomfort. This is the tooth next to where your boss performed surgery and I feel that it is connected to that. Apple sauce last time I checked doesn't have the capasity to crack teeth. Well this didn't get me too far since my surgon doesn't do mundane work like fixing chipped teeth. FUCK!

So I then phone the UofT dentist school, I know I cna't afford to see my family dentist. For a full hour I wait on hold as a chiper women continuoulsy thanks me for holding and ensures me that my call is being kept in sequence and will be answered by the first opporator able to help me. So the appointment will only cost me $37 but I have to wait a full week. If the student dentist says that they think this is a result of beign knocked during surgery I make those bastards pay for this appointment! hehehe

Sunday, June 15, 2003

It is really interesting how ones present location easily becomes the norm for them, regardless of ones position we still see ourselves as self and everyone else as other. Even in marginalized places you can see how society does not see you as the norm but in your own community it is so easy to feel that this is the way things are.

That random line comes from a week of remembering that my knowledge, experience and location are clearly not like others and likewise I do not have the same view that others have. My politics on sex, gender, sexuality capitalism etc, do not always fit into the mainstream views. Yet I seem to surround myself with people who have similar views or are open to accepting that I have these views. Therefore I sometimes forget that my views are not the mainstream since they frequently validated in my world. Since I received this validation and respect for my ideas I have not often had to articulate them to people with views that are extremely opposite to me. With strangers I can defend my option if need be, but when people that are closer to me have very different views than I do I feel that I don’t always come by as articulate. I feel this comes from this deep imbedded desire to be liked. Sometimes I don't want to give my option because I'm scared that I will be judged and a friend will lose respect for me. The irony here is that I have dom't have a problem if others don’t feel like me, I don't lose respect for them..

For example, I deal with the poly issue all the time and many if not most of the people closest to me do not practice polyamory, and they do not think it is for them. At the same time they respect me decisions and I feel safe in expressing how I feel about those issues. But I didn't always feel safe in freely talking about it since I knew that the people around me didn't think polyamory was a good idea. Poly is something that I have gotten more and more comfortable with over recent years and have shed away much of the guilt that I feel comes with that way of approaching life. It is sad that those who do hold the mainstream option are privildged in that they don't need to go aroudn deffending there option. But the moment you step out you have to continuously explain or defend your position.

Having children is another clear example of this. How many people are questioned why they want to have children, it generally is accepted that when someone wants to have kids later in life that that is the normal behaviour. But if you are to say I don't want to have kids, many things happen. First of all people will question you, secondly they will not give you respect, instead there will be this surge of patrinizing where they tell you things like oh that will change, you will want to later blah blah blah. Those who are having the kids need to be stopped and questioned not hte other way around!

I my life I feel I'm in a constant process of unlearning. And much of that unlearning has to do with letting go of guilt. I feel we are socialized to be heterosexual, monosexual, capitalist, along with other things. To decide that you don't want to fit into those constructs carries with it guilt that you are disappointing those around you. I have felt that guilt with a few things, but as my confidence builds up I drop that behind me and try to live up to my ideals and that those of others. So poly is one issue that I no longer am scared to express and I'm not scared of being judged because that’s who I am. I respect monogamy {even though sometimes I get frustrated with it ;)} and I respect all those who believe in it and practice it.

My point of all this is that in everyday life I am becoming more and more conscious that my ideas are not always the norm. I'm use to respecting others options and ideas since they are the ideas that I was raised with but I don't always expect the same level of respect for mine. It really should be that friends, family and people in general respect each others difference and diversity of thought, how I respect my friends who choose to eat meat and animal products and they respect my decision not to. But this is not how things are and sadly I'm use to people not respecting veganism, queerness, poly etc.

In the past week or so I have come up with many run-ins with things that are central to my being. I have had discussions around drag, transgederism, poly, porn, bathhouses, being out, queerness, anti-capitalism, and veganism all with people have very different ideas then I about them then I did. Being out of school this is something that I will have to deal with I felt that I dealt fairly well with these discussions. Most of them the people gave me space to hear what I had to say and I tried to do the same. Yet there are some discussions that I felt that from the get go the person writes me off as being to radical and doesn't talk what I have to say seriously. Or they say what you are doing is wrong, instead of that’s not what I would do.

When from the get go I feel that I'm being judged I don't feel as safe to express myself. And referring back to my first line, writing me off as too radical sees really funny to me. First of all from my perspective my options don't seem radical at all. I understand I'm left but I don't feel radical or way out there. Just as I see my life as norm and not that radical, the people who I have had these talks with see there ideas as norm and since I'm more left then them that places me in this category as radical to them. But anyone who knows me know that’s I'm not to out there . . . anyways that’s all relative.

I really feel that it should come down to respect and treating people with dignity.

This will have to be continued later, it’s been a wonderful day, but very long and tiring . . .