not a pretty girl

a new person with each new experience

Monday, October 27, 2003

rules of attraction

I went out tonight, or yesterday actually with this girl from the LGB society who is super cute, she basicaly is a pixie . . . anyways we were in que for this one club called The George, which is kinda trashy and full of boys, but we were meeting someone there . . .luckily the girl we were meeting came outside and we were able to convince her we should go else where. This a long weekend in dublin and everyone is so excited they don't have to work tomorrow morning (today) that they all go out. So the george had a line that one would see at some pretensious straight club in the club district. I had seen a poster for this girls night and had convinced the girls that we should go there. We stopped in the front lounge first to get a drink and find out the scope on this girls night . . . so the three of us are dressed femmie. I'm wearing this outfit that I wore to kims 30th b-day party. These flare green linen pants I got in rome, and this great top with safety pins and interesting angles. I wasn't sure if I was going to wearing it because I have been thinking about gender so much lately, and the way I feel the most comfortable, the sexiest and so on. But the thing was since I am going through such a boi phase right now I wear all my boi clothes during the day everyday, and I really wanted to put on something new. So there we were in the front lounge the three of us all femmed up and drinking cocktails. When I noticed HER. I turned to Ife and said that is my crush for the evening . . . she responded by 'I say her first!' We agreed that crushes can be had by many a people and cruising the same girl would not be a problem. So there are looks glances, smiles - basically flirting from a distance. . . .as we are leaving ife manages to spill on of the hot girls friends drinks and her apology leads her to tell them where we are going . . . we have made contact . . .

we get to the bar and hot girl (megan) showed up shortly afterwards . . . there is a little bit more flirting from a distance, I get a 'hey there' as I walk by, ife and friend talks to her for a bit. To make a long story short, basically this girl was completely into me and we danced, talked and with the encouragment of my friends (Jump her, have you seen the way she looks at you, you know you want her and if you say the way she is looking at you know you would know that she want you to) we kissed (yum). Last time I was at this bar was over a month ago . . . I wrote about it on sept 21st.

gender - - - well last night I was wearing guy dress pants, suspenders and my grey "paddy" hat. with my black sleater kinney t-shirt (the one that made regan think I want to be friends with that girl). So I'm at this club dancing and having a great time. And I keep getting looks from all these femmie girls. Ahh but not what I'm into. There are these two yes only two sexy butch girls in the club and I have my eyes on them. A few of the femmy girls come up to me and we chat for a bit . . .a get asked to dance, its all fun and flattering but I'm thinking damn this gender thing, girl you are wearing makeup and I just don't dig. So the first of the sexy butches comes up to me (yeah ) except she came to introduce me to her shy femmie friend ( oh well ).

so I'm sitting with megan when I suddenly realize I recognize her friend, this girl last time I was at this bar, tried to get me to stay, but I had been drinking and just wanted to be home in bed, not to mention that she was femmie and she had her sexy butch friend introduce us . . .

then I look at megan and realize that she is the sexy butch girl from september!!!

in my more femmie outfit, the sexy butch suddenly can't get enough of me and her femmie friend didn't take any notice. In a sence I felt good since I got the girl . . . but I felt frustrated since I have come to realize that I'm only attracted to boies, boys and sexy butch grrls, and I have come to realize that I feel sexiest dresses as a boi . . . but its as if we are stuck in forbiden love in the 50's and the butches can only be with the femmes - but it doesn't nessisarily work the other way around since the majority of girls here are soft femmes so the soft femmes get with the soft femmes frequently and the rare butches can only be with femmes. It seem the opposite in TO, soft butches are the norm because of that many soft butches get with soft buthes, but high femmes seem to get mainly with butches. Ok identity and gender is getting so complicated. All I know is that fluidity of my gender performance will keep me moving around unable to stick to one catigory.

the crazy thing is neither megan or her friend recognized me at all, to them I was two very different people. I didn't get hit on by any femme girls tonight, but I got looks from the few butches in the room. I feel like it is a huge game and the rules of attraction, do not always coinside with the performance of gender . . .