not a pretty girl

a new person with each new experience

Saturday, February 07, 2004

i'm too young for heart disease

Just moments ago I went to the OSAP web site after checking the OCAPwebsite and my heart when from filled with joy to a possible heart attack in only moments. I have had so many problems this year with OSAP since I'm living so very far away. Even though I filled out the application form in June and had my college fill out all the forms they needed to in august, I still am waiting on the money. Which isa a bit of a problem since the second instalment of my rez fees and tution was due on the first of Febuary.

The good news is from the web site it looks like they have sent me the money, the bad news is that I clicked on this section money given to date; fuck I almost had a heart attack. First of all they included the disability bursary from this year and the nice mulenium one from last year (i don't get that one any more since I'm living out of the country - I got the same amount as last year but more loans and less bursarys) which I don't need to pay back, but at initial glance it seemed that I did. The amount stopped my heart from beating.

You see I took two years of college and worked my way through so the first three years plus my mess up year and the ryerson coursed I took I paid on my own. In my last year of college I said fuck it I need to get a loan. It will only be one year of money to pay back, but I can work less concentrate on getting good marks and school activism which will help me get into my masters.

The plan back fired, in the sence that it worked perfectly. If I didn't take the first loan I would have had to work more my last year, got lower marks as a result and be less active in SEC, FEP, ESSU and so on. This would have resulting in me not getting into the postgrad program and subsiquently not needing the second and the soon third loan. But the plan it self was to get into my masters and here I am.

Last week at UofT they had this debt graduation, to fight the rise in tution fees. It sounded brillant. And at this point I have a significant number that I would be able to join in such senanigans. And salvo, in a sence I am starting to feel the anxiety you feel when dealing with your student loans.


Thursday, February 05, 2004


I was quoted in the student newspaper this week, it was the third time (pro-choice motion, shannon success and now homophobic society), and each time they don't print what I wish they would. It because I start to rant when I talk to them and through that they are able to get quotes of things that yes I said but were not central points at all. I relaly need to learn how to talk to them so what I want to be quoted is quoted. For example this past weeks quote was in reference to this event on campus called "what women want" it was a male strip show (not the full monty) and only women were allowed into the event for the strip show and it was open to all after 10.

I got a call at work the other day asking my option on the matter. I said it was a rediculous policy, that refelcted the heterosexism on campus with the assumption that only straight women would be interested in this event. And it showed blanet homophobia in terms fear of the male gaze on the male body. I then said something about this policy prevent 10% of the student population who may have wanted to attend the event from doing so. SO what did they quote Toby Marven told the observer I definaelty think it is a huge problem and that 10 persent of the UCD population [that is gay and bisexual men] would have like to go (to the event).

ugg I think they may be scared of the words heterosexism and homophobic . . . what can you do . . . .

this issues also proved my theory on the little UCD bird, in the option section there was a piece writen on the upcoming sabat elections and talking about the current sabats. It said that the welfare officer and myself are having a good barney. Interesting that. The two of us had a difference of option in terms of what to do with positive space, but thats as far as it went. She still supported the campiagn when the decision was made to go through with stickers and has been very helpful. We get allong just fine. The one chance of us having a fight would have been months ago around the pro-choice issue since I believe she is pro choice, but as her postion mandates she takes a non derectional appraoch to hte issue. anyways basically I think someone overhear us disagreeing on what to do next with positive space and felt it was newspaper wearthy.

SO this form of recognition is not nessissarily positive but who cares, I will be interested to see what they say about positive space and rainbow week.

The other recognition I got today was odd, I went to my class on sexuality that I'm taking for audit, there are only 6 of us and we get into good discussions. Today we had a guest lectured who I have never met before. Whne I sat down he turned to me and said "I say they quoted you in the paper". That kinda shook me up, I have refused to have my pic in the paper so how would he know what I looked like? But it came much clearer later on when things actually go wierder. The class was an overview on queer theory which he said that he was not an expert on and if we wanted to add anything please go ahead. bascially looking at me when he said this. Later in the class he asked if I would expalin stonewall its significance and then he asked if I woudl talk about reclaiming of the word queer and finally if I would talk about ACTUP and their stratigies.

It was all very odd at first but then I was able to put it all together, our lecture much have told him that I took sexual diveristy studies in my undergrad and with only 6 people in the class its very easy to discribe me - the girl with a saved head except for this one long section in the front and a star and lightning bult on the back of her hair. Plus last class I went to my lectures gaff for dinner and was telling her how I was creating a board on stonewall and activism like ACTUP for the history day of rainbow week, and I told her about the fight to get queer added to the positive space sticker.

It all made a great deal of sense but really I was protrayed as the queer theory expert when I'm far from it.

The one annoying thing about it was he assumed I was americian. Fair enought just because he asked me about stonewall and ACTUP doens't mean that he assumes I'm Americian but it was when he was saying dates that countries legalized homosexuality he said canada's date without looking up and then looked at me for confirmation with the american dates.

fuck that I'm tired of people assuming I'm american. I have toronto pride . . . today when I was at a mates house she should me this rough guide to Toronto that her sister had, and after excitingly looking though it I disregarded it as rubish since it didnt' mention honest eds. I got a postcard in the mail from regan with a pic of honest eds on it so I was able to explian with visual aid the insanity that is honest eds to my mate.

A final moment of recognition happened yesterday when this guy recognized ready and I and scared the shit out of me. Ok let me put this into context. Yesterday the two of us bike to the video store to return "What to do incase of fire", both of us were very hungry. My day consisted of going to work for three hours then straight to this talk by the new president (who is an idiot) which they had tons of free food at but none of it was vegan, I then dragged ready to go ot the restuarant with me - but they were closing up and I only was able to get a very small bowl of soup and a bun, I then read for an hour, and then had three hours of class, went to a debate on aboriton and then the gender queer group. When I me up with ready in the bar on campus I was beat prepared for bed (especially since I only slept 4 hours the night before) and basciaclly straving. But off we wnt to return the film avoiding the late charges. Ok enough back ground . . . we went to this italian place which fooled me since they put there lunch menu in the window but gave avery different menu when you sat down, a bit more expensive. We thought about leaving but really I was at the point that I needed to eat then.

we split a small vegan pizza and bruccetta. The min charge per person was 8.50 euros. fuck more then we wanted to pay. we talked about ditching on the bill, ready was jokingly pushing the whole crimthink on me, but still we both knew that we were serious. I slowly as we eat put my layers on and orgnaized all my stuff. Ready rolled a cigerette and when the manager went into the back and the wait staff were nowhere to be seen we got up and walked out, and then started to run . . .

we ended up walking in a maze of lalleys winding our way back to our bikes outside the video shop only a few blocks from the restaurant. thirty mins or so of wondering the alleys we poked our bodies back on to the main street. This guy out of no where says "that waitress was looking for you"

I froze, what waitress says ready . . .

this guy was quick to tell us that we was on our side, that we was walking by and say us start running after we walked out of the place and then say this women run out look both ways but we had already darted into an alley.

that recognition was enough to give me a heart attack.

When it comes down to it, I may be anti-capitalist. I may at times steal things. But getting caught ditching on a bill fuck that would be a blow that my politics could not hold me up on. Actually getting caught stealing I think would be worse but still fuck.

Now I have writen on my views of stealing before and about free food. But I have never blogged about ditching on a bill, that is because first of all I have only done it once before years ago under very strange circumstances on christmas eve. And generally I don't even think about it. this has to do with the fact that once you do that you can't go back and most places that I can actually eat at I like to be able to support and go back and back. Secondly in Toronto for example ditching a bill has extream negative effects on the workers, they are denied their tip and in some places the cost of the meal is deducted from there wages.

In dublin tipping is not part of the culture (except for in horrible situations like the women and men in the washrooms handing you a towel who are all black and apartenly dont' even get a wage). so they workers are not directly effected by the ditch in terms of pay. If this was a large chain restaurant, I would not only not have aproblem of doing it I would encourage it but those restuarants are constructed in such a way that you can't get out easily. know smaller restaurants, umm this is another quesiton. For some it doesn't matter at all explotation is explotaion capitalism is capitalism etc. But in this case, they used 1 peice of toast to make the brucetta and the pizza with out cheese was gave each of us two pieces. How does that result in a min charge of 8.50 each. converted would be around 10 canadian or more each to share almost nothing.

I do not want to make a habbit out of it - then I would always be watching my back when ever I biked or walked in any area in dublin and also I want to keep the veggie resturants an option.

But I have no regreats for last night at all, actually I happy about the idea (which I will have to give ready the credit for).

Monday, February 02, 2004

flying words, blurry lines and vegan meltdown

Last week during womens week, I mentioned briefly to the womens officer and this lefty running for president next year that I might be interested running for womens officer next year . . . i suppose I must have said it in front of a little bird, because three days have pasted and everyone knows. To be even more clear on the quickness of the rumour ready hear about it before I had the chance to tell him, it was the same day. Elections are not until after our 3 week reading week. Campaigning is only for a few days, and the womens officer said she would help. I think that I could do a good job in that position. It will allow my feminist furry to flourish . . . I think we could keep up the Staff and Students campaign and have running in full action for freshers week. They dont' have addiquate daycare on campus and this is a huge issue for many women, so I could run a campaign about that. I would like to do more pro-choice stuff on campus and get more access to sexual health info and testing. I'm sure I can also come up with many more wonderful ideas.

The song I'm listening to know has all these little beeps in it, which sound just like my phone - another clear sign that I'm way to dependent on this little form of technology.

Last week I had a meeting with disability services and we discovered something spictacular ( if you are me). We were working on proof reading stratigies, after a page or two I developed a serious head ache. Partiall it was a result of the frustration of going through a paper that I proof read myself and then having her read it out to me hearing all the mistakes. But there was more to it then that, which I would have never known if this women was not so supportive.

She showed me this yellow pad of paper and asked if reading off that was easier. I said of course but that is because there are only a few words on the page. She came back with my essay photocopied on yellow paper. It made a huge difference. She expalin that manyh people with learning disabilities have a problem reading off white paper, and many people without them still have a problem with the paper. Part of it is the bleach used in the paper causes reflection. Only she says that people have an ultimate hue that they read the best from.

It made lots of sence, and I could relate to so much of what whe said, especially since I have perfect vision but have been getting head aches from reading. I discribed the blurryness and how when I look at the page the white spaces between words stand out like a river of white, above and beyond the words. She said this is a commen responce from people who have a hard time reading off white paper.

I used this yellow folder to read my articles this weekend and it seemed to make a difference, I need to head into a stationary place to find the ultimate colour for me.

In the mean time I feel like I am back at the first month of veganism. Back when I could easily stay away from eggs, cheese, milk, yougart, mayo, butter etc. But was having a hard time with the whey powder and dried egg yoak that slipt there way into my foods. Plus I have been having urges for chocolate. The thing is the ice cream chocolate bar thing is not the biggest issue. Its just a matter of not having the vegan options easily accessible. It is more when you get veggie burgers and they have egg in them. I have been having a hard time with those things lately. If I see in the store that its not vegan I won't get it, but some times I don't look close enough or assume that its fine and notice it when I get home. And I eat it anyways, with no guilt, expect for afterwards when I wonder how fessible it is to be vegan at all times. This question cannot be answered now, mainly because I'm not prepared to make any grand statements.

Sunday, February 01, 2004

personality liberation front

Last night after a wonderful night of dancing to drum and bass with ready and a few friends I decided to go home on my own. He was gong back to a mates house, his ex’s and there was going to be a continued party from there but I decided to ditch that idea and jump on the bus to get to my bed as quickly as possible. When I got home after the usual eating of random food (this time included instant oatmeal with soy milk combined with deep fried tofu squares and soy sauce) and lied into my bed and was reading this zine that I got last week called Personality Liberation Front. The intro to the zine talked about living in the moment, taking opportunities to enjoy the here and now and allowing herself to open up and share real experiences and have real connections with people. Instead of feeling guilty for ditching on the crew and being worried about the tomorrow and not the moment. I felt even better about my decision. In reality I was knackered and I know myself, I know that I needed to spend some time on my own. I didn’t want to sit there and say nothing because I felt like a zombie then get all paranoid that I have been so silent then have that paranoia perpetuate itself into a circular trap of silence.

I also know that my emotional health is in direct relation to the amount of food and rest that I get plus the amount of me time that I take in. And at that moment in order to continue have a good weekend and a good week and to get ready for the upcoming rainbow week and all the stresses that will bring along I would need to have some alone time to regroup and energize.

Today I’m ready to get up and go again, not only that,I think it was important for me to sit back and read this feminist zine. In doing so I feel surer of myself more connected to who I am and what I want to be. More inclined to live in the moment and open up to have real relationships with people.

While I sat back reading the zine, I realized that yesterday was exactly 3 months since I got with ready. A few thought went through my head, including another feeling of satisfaction with my decision to come home last night. The thing is things are good with him, and the few miscommunications we have had seem to have resulted in a better understanding of each other. Since we run in many of the same circles and both go to the same college it is possible for us to spend endless amount of time together. I think it is important to maintain our individual identities and sense of independence.

One way of this is not assuming that we will automatically be going home with each other. Sometimes you have alternative goals for the night and they don’t necessarily co inside with each other. So why make the other one ditch there own plans just for the sense of couplehood.
I believe in the radical possibilities of pleasure

I have got to such a good place in my life now in terms of sex, I have figured out what I like, what I like to do. I have started to communicate both of these things much more openly. I am comfortable letting go and making noise on my terms. I am able to relax enough to cum. And I know there is so much more to explore, which I look forward to trying. Now that I have reached such a place it would be nice to have a girlfriend and explore with her. For the moment I’m not into having one night stands since the constant sex has been such good sex that keeps getting better. The reason it keeps getting better is the trust and comfort that is there between us. I have been having sex for 7 and a bit years now, and I have to say that right now is one of the best times, I suppose it only gets better to. They say that a women in her thirties is at the peek of her sex drive, I look forward to that time and hope that I will have someone wonderful to explore and have fun with at that time.

In the past I had been slightly preoccupied with roles and with expectations. When I first started having sex with girls I did a switch over from being the one who pleases to be the one who is pleased, but in reality that didn’t change all that much, in both cases I was more of the passive one in the relationship. Not that this was a hard and fast rule, I did try many different things. But the girls I went for tended to be very boyish themselves and many of them would identify as genderqueer or trans and from that gendered position were more inclined to take the active role. And this is also not to say that I havn't been having great sex for these years, its not that I'm talking about its more the feeling of comfort that I didnt' even nessissarily realize I was missing that is making the difference.

In many but not definitely all of my sexual relationships there has been this sense of holding back, not quite comfortable, not saying exactly what I wanted to say and so on. Even as I discover the power and joy of fisting both doing and receiving there was something (shame, embarrassment, awareness of self) that held me back from the true potential of pleasure and comfort.

I could look back at all the reasons for those experiences which many of which would result in the invasion of my body and space from many men who did not have the same sense of knowledge and respect for sexuality that I feel I am now in procession of.

Instead I want to look at where I am now. What I would say has happened now is that I found a relationship that is healthy and egalitarian. I have found something that is fun and easy. And in this relationship I am able to bring together my years of experimentation and exploring with confidence. And I am able to try new things on the same level as the things that I already know are true and true. And with being with an open minded boy I am able to explore my own boy side with out feeling there are any conflicting roles.

Who knew that it would be with a boy that I got over the boy – girl roles and expectations of what sex is. Who knew it would be with a boy that memories of horrible sexual experience would play no part. Who knew that I would bring into practice a radical possibility of pleasure on a constant basis . . .

I Like Fucking
Hey! Do you believe there's anything
Beyond troll guy reality?
I do, I do, I do
It gets so hard
Just to be okay
Sometimes being happy baby is what
I'm most afraid of
Baby, you know, it gets so hard for
Me to fight
I don't know how I guess I never did
Why don't you show me how
How to lose control?
(She's so very, I don't care)
Just cuz my world, sweet sister
Is so fucking goddamn full of rape
Does that mean
My body must always be a source of pain?
No, no, no
(She's so very I don't care. She's so very, I don't care)
Just cuz I named it right here sweet
Chickadee don't mean for a minute you
Should think I'm opposite of anything
But if you wanna know for sure
I'll tell you
We're not gonna prove nothing nothing
Sittin around watching each other starve
What we need is action/strategy
I want, I want, I want
I want it now
I believe in the radical possibilities of pleasure, babe
I do, I do, I do