ok before I start I have to rant about the credit card I got in the mail, I ordered a student credit card so I could order flight tickets online and so on. i came today and I only put in my application two days ago, I suppose beuracracy and the postal service work very well when it comes to giving credit cards to people without jobs. You would think that their plan would be for you to go into debt now so they can make a fortune off you and then when you get your big fancy job you will beable to pay it back and be already in the habit of buy things on the card so you will continue your pattern of debt. They made two mistakes, I'm in equality studies and will never have that big fancy job and secondly the design of the card is such that I will never use it in public. The card has various people from various ethinicities who are all making funny faces. Like the blond girl crossing her eyes, the asian boy scrunching up his face with his hands, and then the best one, a maori looking guy with facial tattoos sticking out his tounge. fuck that is going to have to be hidden, what were they thinking?

today was the last day of classes, on wednesday night it was decided that a reclaim the campus was going to be organized for today. We were to meet by the lake at noon, so this morning I woke up dehydrated from the drinks I had the night before and thinking damn I really should be studying but I should show up to this party. Show up eh, interesting idea, I left it at nine thirty and it was still going strong. Ran into a few people on my way home from james at two and they said ten people were still there.

maddness I tell you - It would be hard to sum up the day with any one phrase since after the party i went out for chipper food with james and we broke up, well no he broke up with me. It was a simply said in causal conversation as "can't finish my burger, oh ya, I think we should break up." Teh next few hours I was mainly in shock, I went through a really sad moment, and indifferent moment, an angry moment, a disappointed moment, a moment of self depricating thoughts, and ended up biking home in a slow latharic kind of way.

Side track cuz I don't want to dealve at this moment. the party was great, there were reclaim the campus banners, music, dancing, chilln', smoking, drinking, laughing, piggy back fights, skipping, tree climbing, poy with and without fire, a bond fire, a guy breathing fire, tickle fights, people jumping and being trown into the lake, mooning from local kids, free drink from a labour confrence, guitars and sign alongs, political chatter, nonsense chatter, peeing in forests, and general roudy good times.

I got a few photos I will see about putting them up once I recharge my battery.

ugg relationships, I think I need a break, I know I just started to see this new women, but we have only gone out twice, I think I might have to say to her that I can't do this right now. There is no way that I can be completely into it when I am dealing with the break up. I think I will need some space, she could so easy go from new interesting person to rebound. thats the last thing I need to do to someone.

The next few weeks will be wierd, and perhaps even wierder after the stress of exams and all that is over. I'm sure that after it is all over part of me with be really confused forgetting that james and I broke up and just thinking that we didn't see each other cuz of the exams. I really hope that we get to the friendship thing quickly. He did apply for equality studies next year and a job in the union. he said he applied to do it part time so there will be a high chance that he won't be taking the same courses that I will - but then again it would be interesting to have him in my classes but thats for another day. The point is that its not like he is gone from my life now that it is over he will be part of my daily existance (ok maybe jsut weekly) next year.

I pinkie swore that I would not hate him - which when he said it I wanted to punch a whole in a wall, it reminded me of this song by skarlet o'hara that I listen to the other day (for the first time in about a year-forshadowing?) It is a break up song and the girl says to the singer, I bet you hate me now, I met you never want to see me again and the signer replies that would be good for you, good for you but what about me. When he asked if I would pinking swear not to hate him I was thinking (this is when I went into my mad moment) yeah that would be great for you -you get off with feeling less quitly and I walk away not only hur tbut promising not to hate the root of the pain. But after I to him I felt angery it seemed to leave my system. Realized what I knew all along that this is for the best - that it sucks big time, that it is extremely painful that I will be sad and miss him like hell but really I can't possibly hate him.
I can bearly be mad at him at all, the thing is when things are good with us we connect really well, but since the initally break up scare there have been periods with both of us where you can see that doubt is in our minds and when the doubt is there we were not good to each other which would make this perpetual situation of half connections.
that is no way to have a relationship. And the best way to end this pattern (which saddly I thought was over, I thought that we had gotten past that and things were good and looking up, I have developed a new sense of confidence in the relationship and was feeling like I had fallen for him all over again but there you go my ignorance of human behaviour shines through) is to break up with the person. It all makes sense in this abstract rational way, if you are not the two people involved.

I know it is all for the best and I think it will help my self esteem since I will stop wondering how come other people seem to give me a chance see good things in me, enjoy my company but my boyfriend doesn't. I told him that it is painful to think that the one person who knows you the best doesn't want to be with you anymore. I suppose that is a big part of the pain for all relationships. He asked me if anyone had broken up with me before, although yes I have. They were only in odd situations like drew(sk) via email and our relationship was odd to begin with intence passion and desire with long bouts of absence and silence . . . but in terms of an everyday local relationship I have always been the one to break up with the person.

god it hurts - and to everyone I have done it to, fuck i hope the pain was not that bad, somepeople were just bad for me and had to go but others were wonderful people, it was just not working - damn it I'm sorry.

I was just thinking the break up was so timely. I say james for the first time at the first student union meeting I went to. we talked for the first time outside this pub with many of the same people were out today danicng and singing with a similar enviroment as today. Adn we got together at the training at the begging of term for the student union. And not we break up on the last day of term. It was like it wasn't real at all, it was a accidemic year and studnet activism year relationship. We never had a summer or a time when we were not part of each others everyday existance. Tomorrow would be the first day that we were outside of that world and "we" and "us" no longer exists.

looking for the perfect break up song is never quite satisfying -other expereinces are only partially what you want to say but of course you can never go to wrong with ani . . I first choose both hands but then was sucked in with diate

Ani Difranco - Dilate Lyrics
life used to be life-like
now it's more like showbiz
i wake up in the night
and i don't know where the bathroom is
and i don't know what town i'm in
or what sky i am under
and i wake up in the darkness and i
don't have the will anymore to wonder
everyone has a skeleton
and a closet to keep it in
and your mine
every song has a you
a you that the singer sings to
and you're it this time
baby, you're it this time

when i need to wipe my face
i use the back of my hand
and i like to take up space
just because i can
and i use my dress
to wipe up my drink
i care less and less
what people think
and you are so lame
you always dissapoint me
it's kind of like our running joke
but it's really not funny
and i just want you to live up to
the image of you i create
i see you and i'm so unsatisfied
i see you and i dialate

so i'll walk the plank
and i'll jump with a smile
if i'm gonna go down
i'm gonna do it with style
and you won't see me surrender
you won't hear me confess
'cuz you've left me with nothing
but i've worked with less
and i learn every room long enough
to make it to the door
and then i hear it click shut behind me
and every key works differently
i forget everytime
and forgetting defines me
that's what defines me

when i say you sucked my brain out
the english translation
is i am in love with you
and it is no fun
but i don't use words like love
'cuz works like that don't matter
but don't look so offended
you know, you should be flattered
and i wake up in the night
in some big hotel bed
and my hands grope for the light
and my hands grope for my head
the world is my oyster
the road is my home
and i know that i'm better
off alone

after pasting this I put in that skarlet ohara song to hear that line that I was reminded of with mention of the pinkie swear . . .one of the first lines is about says "I took dilate out of my cd player", I suppose when they broke up the singer used ani and this specific song to sit in sorrow with. of course untouchable face is on that cd and can't think of the others but I'm sure there are many more angry break up songs. here is skarlet ohara song, Its a bit self centred, I think the title is "what about me" thats not the direction that I'm feeling but for the two refernces here it is:

Today you know what you want to do,
come tomorrow you mind will be on something new,
you were just the way I pictured you to be
you did just the thing I expected you to be
I took dilate out of my cd player, I guess that’s a good sign
But there a still some questions that are left unanswered that echo in my mind
What about me what about me, where do I fit what about me
You seem like the person that doesn’t finish what they begin
What about me what about me, what am I suppose to do
How about me how about me getting used by you

The going get tuff and the tuff get going so do you
You just pack up you bag, cut your losses and ride some where new
Start again leave it all behind
There was no past with us, no future in your mind

You said I don’t know how you are feeling right now, if you hate me never want to speak to me again, well
That would be great for you, great for you since you’re the one, you’re the one, but
What about me what about me, where do I fit what about me
You seem like the person that doesn’t finish what they begin
What about me what about me, what am I suppose to do
How about me how about me getting over you

and here is the song that I wish I could be singing right now, by doria roberts

Perfect
Let’s take a picture now
I do not want to forget
The way you look at me when everything is perfect
A perfect memory of when things are so good
And everything has worked out just the way we knew it would

I bought a picture frame
I made room on the wall
I hold you close to my chest
Because I’ve made room in my heart
You ask me what I’m doing
I say displaying our love
I can see you when I’m awake and you’re the one I’m dreaming of

I love the sun when it shines
I love the sky when it’s blue
I love the color green
Because it reminds me of you
I’ve been thinking about you all night
A warm bed and a cozy fire
You put you arms around me and lift my head
And then you kiss me…