not a pretty girl

a new person with each new experience

Sunday, February 01, 2004

personality liberation front

Last night after a wonderful night of dancing to drum and bass with ready and a few friends I decided to go home on my own. He was gong back to a mates house, his ex’s and there was going to be a continued party from there but I decided to ditch that idea and jump on the bus to get to my bed as quickly as possible. When I got home after the usual eating of random food (this time included instant oatmeal with soy milk combined with deep fried tofu squares and soy sauce) and lied into my bed and was reading this zine that I got last week called Personality Liberation Front. The intro to the zine talked about living in the moment, taking opportunities to enjoy the here and now and allowing herself to open up and share real experiences and have real connections with people. Instead of feeling guilty for ditching on the crew and being worried about the tomorrow and not the moment. I felt even better about my decision. In reality I was knackered and I know myself, I know that I needed to spend some time on my own. I didn’t want to sit there and say nothing because I felt like a zombie then get all paranoid that I have been so silent then have that paranoia perpetuate itself into a circular trap of silence.

I also know that my emotional health is in direct relation to the amount of food and rest that I get plus the amount of me time that I take in. And at that moment in order to continue have a good weekend and a good week and to get ready for the upcoming rainbow week and all the stresses that will bring along I would need to have some alone time to regroup and energize.

Today I’m ready to get up and go again, not only that,I think it was important for me to sit back and read this feminist zine. In doing so I feel surer of myself more connected to who I am and what I want to be. More inclined to live in the moment and open up to have real relationships with people.

While I sat back reading the zine, I realized that yesterday was exactly 3 months since I got with ready. A few thought went through my head, including another feeling of satisfaction with my decision to come home last night. The thing is things are good with him, and the few miscommunications we have had seem to have resulted in a better understanding of each other. Since we run in many of the same circles and both go to the same college it is possible for us to spend endless amount of time together. I think it is important to maintain our individual identities and sense of independence.

One way of this is not assuming that we will automatically be going home with each other. Sometimes you have alternative goals for the night and they don’t necessarily co inside with each other. So why make the other one ditch there own plans just for the sense of couplehood.


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