what a day, I did absoloutely nothing, this results from the fact that I didn't sleep at all last night. I mean not even for a moment. Ready was over and sound a sleep, my lack of sleep had nothing to do with the fact that their was someone in my bed. My mind just wouldn't relax so many things were suddenly taken over in my mind. I eventually left my room and sat in the living room cuz my constant movement was waking him up. He was aksing me whats wrong, in one sence I wanted to sit up and tell him everything on my mnd, but I realized that he was probably half asleep still and the last thing he needed was for one of my rants to keep him up in the middle of the night. SO there I went to the living room and tired to meditate to relax my mind. I realized going over and over the things that were bothering me would be very unproductive and prevent me from sleeping. I did eventually get to sleep at 1 in the afternoon. FUCK!!

I hate days like this - it is so hard to function the day afterwards - its not like I get much sleep anyways but this no sleep thing really impeads on my ability to get anything done.

of the many many things that were going on in my mind last night, the last thought that came out was about alcohol. I have been thinking about it lately. Why we drink as a culture, why I drink as an individual. The way that alcohol controls cultural production. I mean the way that hours of drinking therefore determines the hours of concerts and clubs. Because bars here have last call at 11 and stop serving at 11:30, all shows start really early and last buses are at 11:30. you can then go to a club afterwards that serve till 2 or something but those are ment only for insane late night drinking after the other cultural events one takes part in. They are not about the music or the conversation but rather for those who have been disappointed that serving hours have cut short there evenings.

why have we let alcohol control our entertainment? our culture?

I'm not even taking about alcoholism as it effects indivual lives and the people around them, I'm taking about soical alcoholism. A society that is dependent on a drug in order to socialize.

so why do we drink, do we drink to forget, do we drink to let go, do we drink to connect . . .

some people say they need alcohol to let go to relax enough to dance. I'm not that person, I really enjoy dancing for the sake of dancing, I can get lost in it all with the music or the joking around with friends - so why the alcohol. The enviroment is condusive to it. It encourages drinking - its a level of peer pressure, its a level of suggestion. We often drink just because others are getting something to drink, we go allong with it.

why is it that we need alchol to go dancing, is our culture so uptight that one cannot have fun on their own innsitive. has it comsume in order for one to dance - is it that if one is dancing they are making a fool of themselves - and the reason people make fools of themselves is related drinking.

how would sponantious dancing on the streets be comprehened in a culture that associates dancing with alcohol and drugs. would by passers assume that the sponanious dancers were drunk-high-crazy . . .

why do we drink at dinner?

to ease conversation? have we become so individualized and emotionally segregated that the only way to open up to someone, to feel at ease is with the use of a drug? When one drinks at dinner usually it is not to the level of extream drukenness. It does not take away all inihibitions. People at dinner drinking wine or beer rarely do things that they would regreat the next day, or that will create another one of these drinking stories that magority of people in our culture carry with them. the alcohol consumtion at dinner is said to relax you, to compliment the meal, to entertain. even though it does not reach the levels of the drukenness one sees on the streets after closing hours. It does have the effect of relaxing inhibitions. why do we have such inhibitions to talk to people who we enjoy over a meal.

this is all coming from someone who does enjoy having wine with dinner, who does go danicng and drinks, who does go out for a pint or a picher with a friend and talk for hours. But I also enjoy going out and talking for hours over tea. to have water with dinner and dance with only natural endorphins giving me a high.

I question my own intake of alcohol, and I question the culture that encourages the citizens to forget themselves in drink. I have heard people say that they enjoy the relax activist community here in ireland because things get organized in a relazed atmisphere in the pub. I understnad what they are saying, the enviroment does allow for the free flowing of ideas, with out the stagnation of white institutional walls. could that same relaxtion happen with tea? I think it could . . . because although the ideas are free flowing and people are relaxed I wonder to the extent that things get done after such organizing. I have a hard time talking someone at there word when they make statements or promises while drinking.

I remember back to the women and war conference where 10 of us or so went out for tea after the talk. I think it was great and really important that we stayed together and chatted. That we discussed the lecture and shared our ideas, and I thought it was brillant that we all got tea and juice. The waiter probably wasn't to happy with us- we shared two plates of fries between the 10 and only got tea and juice, when he say us coming he probably assumed that he was going to get a huge tip. but the point is there was no alcohol and we still had that sence of community.

I also remember last newyears in chicago (much better then the new years before in newyork where I know we had a good time but don't remember to much more than that) where I was with marike and we went to this straight edge party. not everyone was straight edge I would say probably a third of the people. An dI did have something to drink - but only one glass of champaign at midnight. But I had a great time playing cheraids. I can't imagine doing that here. Actually we palyed cheraides with the LGB society- but it was shots and cheraides and before each time you acted out you took a shot. It was great fun. Yet the underlining idea was that one could not act silly infront of a group of people with out the help of alcohol.

I became fasinated with the straight edge culture three years ago when I started meeting straight edge kids who stopped drink not because they thought they had a problem with alcohol but rather they just say problems with alcohol. I have never even contimplated being straight edge, I mean it is linking with a certain culture that I am not part of first of all. and secodly even though I question my intake of alcohol and the socially consturcted reasons for drinking I cna't see myself having strong enoght arguements to convice myself NEVER to drink again. I don't think that drinking itself is inheritly bad or wrong. just as I don't think doing drugs is wrong - the social constuction of acceptable drugs and unaccepable drugs is another story. But I do get into the "weed vs alcohol" debate on many occations looking at the hard the alcohol brings to our society vs the harm that weed does. I think there is a really strong arument for alcohol being much worse for the physiall health of the individual, the emotional health of the individual and their family adn friends and the ammount of fights and violence that comes from alcohol. Espeically compaired to the effects of weed - but like I said that is another day.

I feel one reason that I would not give up alcohol is that I would become very hard on myself. Creating too many rules that I must follow in order to be a "good" person. I already am hard enough on myself and have to constantly be reminding myslef that it is ok just to be me and live lifely as freely as possible. Even though I have very strong view on the veganism thing, I do see how I am constantly controling myself. Even thought I believe truely that it is for the best. I do releaze the connections between controling food and being a women and the ideal body etc. I have always been agianst dieting and I dont' see the veganism associated with dieting at all. But I still am aware of self regulation . . .

I seem to be moving far away from my original point but really what do you expect from me, when I start my rants they are not preplanned they just happen. they begin with one thought and flourish often into something compleatley different.

as for the spelling and grammer that occure during these rants, I say fuck it, I have to be careful and concoius about those things in so many other aspects of my life, I feel that the point of rants is to get the general guist of it, which is possible with the mistakes through out it. It is not to analysis each and every sentence to see if it is logically sound or gramatically correct. So again I say I hope you understood what I was saying and if not, Im sorry but this is suppose to be for me anyways and doing a spell check would just ruin the whole sponaniety of it . . .