intense emotions

It has been six months since I have seen my mom, today broke that pattern when she arrived at dublin airport and gave me a hug that may have never ended except for that I can only take so much :) The morning leading up to her arriving was very intense and not in a way I could have fully predicted. First of all at 5:30 am I had such a soar throat and headache that it woke me up. I finally got back asleep in time to miss my alarm. Waking up late brought me back to a very strange place. I felt that by being late meeting my mom and her friend at the airport would have put a reflection on my level of responsiblity that I felt was not reflective. Yet the last time they say me was six months ago during the whole passport scherades so it leaves a pattern of irresponsiblity that I can not shake. Not to mention that I have always felt around Janet that what ever I was doing was not up to par, being late meeting her would just add to that feeling. You would think as adults we could get beyond these things, but everyone still plays into. I still don't want to disappoint them, and want to show that I am fine on my own. And they still treat me like the child that they can patrinise.

In reality it was not a problem at all, after paying way to much to get on an airport express bus after taking a regular bus in to the city, they had only been waiting a few mins. But as I sat on the bed looking like "a fourteen year old on their way to see radiohead", feeling like I wanted to cry and wishing I could disappear - reality was not a strong force at all.

The day was lovely and the three of us had a good time walking and talking and eating :) there were pockets of moments were I felt sad thinking I will never have what my mom has with her friends, she has known janet since highschool, they have a huge history and are deep rooted friends. I will never have that, I lost that chance when I went through my depression/suicide part of my life and the coming out process. Its too bad, I see other friends who stil have these great friends from primary and secondary school, but all my ties have been cut, although not fully, enough that I cna't get back to that place of intense closeness. We have all moved on and did our own things.

I know this is a moony post but I have to vent, this day I had with my mom, 12 hours or so of laughs, hugs and stories ended on a disappointed note. BAsically my mom is still unease about the whole queer thing and more specifically I believe anything that is gender queer. Hos this plays out is that she is willing to come to a house party out of the way tomorrow night and drink cans with my mates at a party, wether she ends up doing it or not is not the point. Th fact is she is willing to consider entering a strange enviroment and hang out with a bunch of random drunken strangers to have a better understanding of my life here. BUT tonight there was this drag queen event going on in the city centre, in a building that we were walking by. With a group of people I consider my friends. I menitoned the event to her hours earlier and she dismissed it. She brought it up later, mentioning that she is not interested in going to a place like that, it would make her uncomfortable.

The fact that it was filled with friends, filled with so much of what is part of my life here, but she is not interested in that part of my life. She dosn't want to meet those friends. She is still uneasy about gender and sexual diversity even though her sister has been out for a good thirty years or so and I have been out for four or five. yet she still wants to pretend that it doesnt exist.

There is nothing I can do to change her comfort levels. But it does make me sad tha blanet difference in interaction she has in my life in terms of anything queer and anything straight.

Tomorrow will be a new day, lets hope my energy levels come back, I'll sure they will as I leave work tomorrow for the last time. Leaving that job will do wonders for my mental health.