another week passes with no posts, why you well I will tell you I was in paris for 5 days! yes thats right gay pari . . . adn I will tell you that I love that city. More than Rome, London, or New York. The major problem is the language, but for the first time I felt the urge to learn french. If only I had known about this city and all its wonders years ago when I had all my horible french teachers I would have looked beyond there classes and really try to learn the language. I would love to go back to paris. This time I went with a few friends from dublin and met marike. It was so great to see marike, a friendly warm face. a personality that I connect with. Someone so passionate, warm and wonderful. Just seeing her gave me a sence of reassurance that I needed to know that I was ok. That there are people out there who get me, who love me and will always be there.

a week ago when I wrote the last post I was in such a state, it was the point of two months being away, which I have learned from others in the worst pooint. It was the point for me where the novety of living in dublin was wearing off, it had become part of life. And it a point where I had developed friendships but not deep enough connections. I expressed these feelings to others who had done similar moves and they said that they had felt the same way. [most of them with out the gender and sexuality issues]

I cried last week for the first time is well a really long time, I don't remember the last time I cried-it could have been the first moment I realized how much of an ass the other roommate was, that was almost a year ago. I woke up on tuesday the morning after writing the post about to deleate it, too much honesty I figured. I checked my email first and there was a message from AB. After reading it is when the tears came down. I lied back on my pillow which held all my tears.

The next day I met up with boy and told him everything-how my head was wrecked. I listened and took me to this nice pathway in ucd witch I never new existed. I didn't really know what to say, being a straight male he couldn't really relate to the issues around fluidity of sexuality mixing with poly and gender fluidity inquires. Plus being a guy from ireland we could really relate to the limbo feeling of moving cities. Strangly enough I didn't scare him away though. We went to chicks on speed that night, it was nice to have him around. I went back to his house and hung out with him and this guy Terry who is completely insane. Or rather just lives in a insane world, talking about this groups of activists who had this 30 min meeting and at the end up of they decided there next plan of action would be to blow up a police station and kill cops. In 30 mins with little resistance this group came to this conlusion. Terry wan't part of this group and acknowledged how crazy it was, but knew some people in it. Fuck I'm only 3 degrees of seperation away from that level of insanity.

I talked to Marike about all of this the last night in paris, the conversation started with me feeling sad and with out any hope, but her words warmed me up and it made me think if The Alcamist and following your destinsy by continiously listening to your heart. The idea that the fear of following your dreams is harder then the actualily of following them. that so many people silence there heart because of the fear and become stagment in their lives. Talking with marike, talking about the book and remembering all of my friends and people I love back home, create a resurgance of energy, they energy I held when I was back in Toronto. I felt like myself again. I felt confident that I could do anything that I wanted to do. REalizing that this past week was only a small stone in my path, and even though it may have seemed like an unmovable bolder, I jumped over it and am ready to face the next one.

Oh I must run and get some school work done, I will dream about paris again really soon . . .