The new LGB officer at your service,

today was the day, and I was ready . . . I typed up my proposals for the year, and how I planned on accomplishing them. On my handout I had a pic of a rainbow flag actually on a flag pole. I had a speech writen and important points writen out for easy reference. I walked in the room early to get a feel of the space I would have to talk in. I felt butterflies build up as the lecture room filled up and there were almost 80 poeple there, but I knew I could do it. Because the Alchemist said that the fear of suffering is worse then the suffering itself, which can easily be whiched to the fear of failure. So after all this build up and preperation I was nominated, second by many and went on contested. Everyone clapped but I sat there with a feeling of unfufillment. This was going to be my moment I wanted it . . .but how can one really complain when they get what they want in the end. The position is mine, I'm on the executive council, I have office hours, I have power to make a difference . . . I just didn't win it.

The other thing that took away from my excitiment of the night was a text from bug asking for a raincheck . . . we had plans to hang out tonight, ze was going to come over to UCD for the first time and I was going to shave ze's head. I got this text while it the student union meeting at 7:20 . . . ze was going to text me between 7:30 and 8 when ze got to the campus and I was going to leave the meeting . . . so not only did ze ditch me it was only mins before we were going to hook up. the thing is when I dig someone I put so much into it, I get so excited about being with them, I always accomidate them in what ever way I can going to lenghts to make sure we get to chill. Because of the excitement I feel when I get messages like this I feel crushed. This can not be seen in issolation bug has serious disappearing tendancies. Because of this I backed away adn refused to put energy into seeing ze. But when ze showed up to the meeting the other day and wanted to chill today I put my heart back, thinking maybe ze really was busy and really wasn't feeling ok before. But I must have miss read the signs and ze is at the same place as before non commital to even the most casual of encounters. I didn't have credit on my phone so I didnt' text ze back, and I really don't want to . . .

Maybe I am destant to be single and have a series of one night stands and short term sexual relationships with wonderful friendship to fill up my intimacy quotiant. This may seem very mello dramatic and I'm sure it is, at the same time if the past 3 -4 years has any bearing on my future relationships that just might me the result. Those who know me know that I have falln' in love amny a times in the past few years and there have been relationships that have been must more sustainable then just one night stands and short term sexual relationships but they had so many problems and there inconsistancy have not given me much hope on the ability to find and maintain meaningful relationships that are both sex based and friendship based. Seeing Regan do it gave me a ray of hope but I'm afraid that there has not been a trickle down effect in the love department . . .

I should feel much happier about the possiblities that lie ahead for my position on the council. And I'm sure I will tomorrow . . . but right now I just wish that there was someone to currle up next to . . .